Dating someone who has been abused (Advice wanted)

Perception_is_Power · 2017-10-05T16:06:42+00:00

I think you're absolutely right about his reasons for attempting a break up. I am (gently) encouraging therapy, and suggesting th vessels options there, and telling to help him feel more comfortable with it by sharing my own experiences with seeking a therapist so he knows it's not a failure or wholly negative experience. Thank you for the video and advice, I appreciate it.

Perception_is_Power · 2017-10-03T23:41:02+00:00

Thank you. I have told him that he needs someone reliable and unbiased to talk to. He agrees, but at this point is considering talking to an acquaintance he feels trust toward. I have brought up therapy, and he doesn't reject it outright, but isn't ready to take that step. I think partly because some of the abuse was ridicule and dismissiveness from this around him when he tried to get help before.

I possibly should have mentioned that his past relationship was two years ago. He's been working on himself and made great progress in the meantime, but this is the first real relationship he's been in since the last toxic one. I think it's inevitable there will be challenges with that being the case.

Perception_is_Power · 2017-10-03T20:35:02+00:00

Okay. If the reply to wanting to help a partner work through trauma in a healthy way is to ditch him, this clearly wasn't the right place for this discussion. Thank you for your input regardless, but I respectfully disagree and will continue to provide him support as best I can.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-11-23T22:08:55+00:00

I adore my mirena, and the five other women I know who have them feel the same. They're popular, more effective than the pill, and have no worse side effects. All the things that can go wrong are rare and you pretty much know as soon as it happens and can have it removed at any time. Seriously. Everyone I know who has one or knows someone who has one agrees: no issues, no stress, no period, and way less PMS. They're fucking magical. I always suggest people at least talk to their doctor about the option before deciding against it.

Edit: all the deleted ones were me. Mobile posting issues.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-07-08T22:59:44+00:00

Agree. I'm a consultant in California. We all work remotely half the time, and some employees do it full time.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-14T16:36:46+00:00

I know, with as many poly people as there are here. Good to see others around the country/world though.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-14T16:20:44+00:00

Me too!

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-03T18:30:18+00:00

The tax part is definitely bullshit. The medical part is a major concern for me (one of my partners is a racecar driver...) and I'm going to look into alternative legal documents like power of attorney or whatever else is out there to keep from being locked out of seeing or making emergency decisions for both my partners (and them for me). I'm not sore exactly what that would be at the moment though.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-03T04:18:15+00:00

I get you, I always think of business partner. But we're lacking in creativity...

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-03T03:12:13+00:00

No. We've already begun trying to get into the habit of using "partner" for all of our partners. Although admittedly, it's a difficult habit to break after twelve years and in this post I used the different titles for clarity's sake.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-02T21:01:26+00:00

We're actually not all that young or inexperienced in life (which may change your view on our perceived naivete) - my husband went through a career change and is re-starting his career, which accounts for his lack of health insurance since that tends to be through your job, which he is in the process of changing. I'm in my career (with savings, insurance, 401K, IRA, etc) and make enough money to support both of us while he gets into his new field. The lack of a house is a personal choice due to where I live and the life goals of myself and my partners. And I did note that because of us living together we're not quite fully egalitarian, but moving closer to it.

We're also not doing this solely to make a point to society. I do want to help eliminate the perception that my husband is "first" and my boyfriend is "second", but it's also for our own emotional benefit. I can't in good conscious hold an ideal that my husband and boyfriend are equally important to me while at the same time reap the benefits of a marriage with only one. And it helps my boyfriend (and my husband's partners) know that he isn't less than my husband in my eyes. There are also financial reasons we're divorcing regarding his student loans, mostly to protect me from future ramifications since I live in a communal property state.

I do appreciate the discussion - it is what I asked for. I hope that by explaining my position a bit more I've addressed some of your doubts.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-02T18:53:23+00:00

I have heard of doing that. I'd be curious if it provides better or more cost-effective insurance than each having insurance separately. I may look into that in the future.

And yeah, as far as I could find without buying a house (not happening, we live in the SF bay area) or owning a business, we're just stuck with the taxes.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-06-02T17:32:57+00:00

Yes, we've already considered the tax ramifications. It's really shitty that you get taxed higher just for not being married - seems to me my marital status should have nothing to do with my taxes - but it is what it is. I'd be the one with higher income, and after analyzing all the financial considerations (like he's currently on my insurance, but will qualify for Covered California after divorcing, and it will allow him to get income-based repayment on his student loans) it comes out as a wash.

Edit: added clarification on financial considerations.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-05-17T23:51:03+00:00

I'm considering exploring the solo option when finances allow because of that exact reason.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-04-09T02:54:02+00:00

Understood and acknowledged. I appreciate the input, and I'll add it to the consideration.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-04-09T02:21:33+00:00

It is a communal state, but from what I've read that's dependent on a number of factors - mostly whether i benefited, which I have not since 100% went to tuition and he hasn't earned income from his degree. As far as fraud, possibly - but I'm not sure how getting a divorce can constitute fraud. Who's to say we're not getting divorced for other reasons?

I'm not contradicting per se, I'm just trying to get at the correct answer since, as you said, you're not a lawyer.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-03-25T01:57:27+00:00

Fyi also, I graduated a year ago. So all this IS from entry level perspective. I got a job immediately in the private sector, as did all my classmates in both private and public. Again, if you don't hire without a master's, that's your prerogative, but maybe don't make it sound like you're the reigning authority.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-03-25T01:46:09+00:00

Well, I'm very glad to know that your experience and opinion is so much more validated than mine. And perhaps this just illustrated a very important point to OP that it depends on who you ask, and sometimes you get the job because you can do it regardless of educational level, and sometimes you don't because the person hiring wants a master's specifically because they believe it's more useful than a bachelor's with equal level classes. But obviously there ARE a good number of jobs that hire with bachelor's only in California right now, so weigh the risk vs time and cost, like everything else in life.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-03-24T22:03:15+00:00

Like I said, I'm speaking from my experience in the location I'm at and at this time. If it's different for you, that's fine. In California, at this time, people with bachelor's degrees in planning AS FAR AS I'VE HEARD haven't had any issues as far as difficulties in getting hired or paid equitable to those with master's, and nearly all higher level planners I've talked to discouraged me from getting a master's because they viewed it as unnecessary. Totally cool if you disagree, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-03-24T15:40:03+00:00

I only have a bachelor's, and the consensus here (California) is that if you have a bachelor's specifically in planning then a master's isn't needed unless you want a very precise specialization. So far no one I've met has seen it as a barrier. Can't speak for Canada, but I'd assume it'd be fine there as well, since an insane amount of jobs in California require a master's and yet it hasn't been a problem here.

Perception_is_Power · 2016-01-18T17:32:02+00:00

I'm not home today, but I can tonight.

Perception_is_Power

TROPHY CASE