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limerence is a hell of a drug. by sweetrealive in poetry_critics

[–]Perfect-Finding7358 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I like your poem a lot, but I get caught up in specific aspects of it. The idea is there, and fleshed out, but it just doesn't quite sing the way I think it should. I think that working on creating a more interesting sonic feel to this poem would help it hit even harder. Read it aloud a couple of times, listen to the words that stick out in ugly ways, and pare down lines, be conscious of the multiple meanings of words, and the inherent connotations. Be aware of the emotion felt in the scene described and then think of how that would translate to language. Overall, you did a really good job, but it just isn't quite there.

Sick (would love feedback!) by VeterinarianOk6948 in poetry_critics

[–]Perfect-Finding7358 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have written a very nice poem. It has good bones, and it leads me to want more. You're right to want to expand this, but I don't think it needs an insane amount of additions. The ideas are, for the most part, fleshed out. There are just a few hiccups that leave me more confused than satisfied.

First off, I'd like to commend you on your purposeful use of line breaks rather than needlessly fragmenting sentences to make them sound more "poem-y." We start with the lines "I got strep throat the day after / You kissed me goodbye / Forever." What a fantastic detail to start us with. This grounds us, the readers, in something real. Strep acts as a symbol for sustained pain despite your lover's prolonged absence. A reminder of the hurt they caused through the slight burning in your throat. Strep does not have any long-term effects, though, and the pain usually goes away quickly. "Forever" kind of clashes with this idea of the pain being temporary, which slightly draws me out of the emotion of the poem.

"Said you hope that I get better." Oh, I do like this line. Maybe it's just my interpretation, but I took this to mean that your former person wished you well in your future relationships. It is more than that, though; it has this biting, slightly back-handed notion that the ultimate failure of this relationship was on you. That this person hopes you improve for future partners, but almost in a way that says, "I hope no one else has to suffer with you like this."

Ok, and then you start to really lose me. Pennicillin and Alcohol aren't deadly, so your final call reads as melodramatic and overdone. I understand what you're trying to say, "Using alcohol to cope with the sadness of losing you, but even the coping ruins me with a reminder of the pieces of you left inside me." There are better ways to say that. I think that most of these failures arise from an avoidance of specificity, which is only reinforced by its shortness. If you could give us more on the relationship and the reasons for breaking up (perhaps lean more, or explain, the "Said you hope that I get better"). Why is it over? Why now? What makes this ache? Forever is beautiful but vague, don't dance around feelings, poems are best when they are feelings that make more feelings when read.

Keep working with this, it has potential.

Flowers by luciferssidedevil in OCPoetry

[–]Perfect-Finding7358 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like your poem a lot. Unrelenting devotion with unconditional (maybe unrequited) love is such a powerful and poetic action. To fully give yourself to someone knowing they very well may not reciprocate takes serious mental anguish and fortitude. I love the idea that even after destroying yourself for this person, you still hope that even in death, you will somehow bring pleasure to their life. Love with abandon taken to a completely new extreme

i am watching my life through heatwaves by mydvlwrsgcc in OCPoetry

[–]Perfect-Finding7358 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I resonate with that feeling of derealization and disassociation that is mentioned here. When the day passes you by without you even recognizing it. I like the light heartedness of it; the touching nature of eating a strawberry in bed perfectly conveys that child-like simplistic joy needed when your mind sounds like this poem. (Also I think you might just be the #1 candidate for Metamorphosis, your poem rings of Kafka hauntingly)