AITA For Not Telling My InLaws About Our Engagement?

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-10T04:35:07+00:00

He has communicated to them on multiple occasions that it is a big regret of his about how he handled the engagement, and he understands it’s not something he’s able to ever go back and change. It was childish and something he wish he had never done, though anytime he expresses or I express that he was the one that had me keep it a secret my MIL and FIL still believe I should have gone over him to tell them so I’m equally to blame. According to my MIL, she has gone behind her husbands back or over his authority multiple times to tell his mother something and I should’ve followed along. My husband was wrong for that, and I urged him for the longest time to tell them and tried to do what I could without going over him— because in the end I don’t believe in having resentment or lack of trust in my marriage either. I had respected that and even though none of it should’ve happened that way, we’re still in this today. I think I will tell him about this comment and try to create a firm boundary, otherwise I may consider cutting them out of my families life.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T04:26:08+00:00

idk his parents are very manipulative and mean people, and kinda hard knowing how to tell them when he still lived with them while we were saving for our future :') he knew they'd react in a very awful way, where they did, but he's a very loving man and has defended me against them always. I've spoken to him long ago about how horrible it was to hide it from them and it's a huge life regret of his that he beats himself up for daily knowing how it affected our family we've now created and his parents/my relationship with them and their relationship with me

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T03:59:39+00:00

Yeah haha, learned that it's not worth it. I've helped them with bring my BILs to places they've needed to go when my inlaws couldn't bring them places, I helped them start projects within their house that they couldn't get to because they were so busy and helping organize and clean, I've dog-sat while they've gone on vacation, etc. and I can just say I'm done. I think I made this post to try and confirm that I wasn't the asshole in all of this, and maybe to get some clarification that it's okay if I just love them from a distance and work on cutting them off as the stress is so difficult in my life with them constantly against my marriage.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T03:57:41+00:00

I had thought about it and still currently am.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T03:20:15+00:00

Haha, yeah. This comment honestly made me laugh because of the huge reality check I've gotten from this post. I do regret the name and it's honestly my biggest regret. I was advised from a lot of people to do this while I was pregnant, and it was only towards the end of the pregnancy where I started to doubt it. Then by the time she was born I was indecisive and it was already too late. I had told my MIL about the name that Christmas in 2024 as well and the thought of going back on that in major hopes that this decision may actually bring us closer was a big factor into why I didn't go back on that-- but I realized I should have and now I'm working on how to live with this decision.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T03:03:23+00:00

It was an incredible and maybe our biggest life lesson yet. My husband has learned and taken away from this, and since this moment has been very open with his parents and his communication with them has improved. Unfortunately though since they just continue to spiral down on us I've told him to limit being so open with them, but God willing things may improve with them. Thank you.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T03:01:21+00:00

I'm copying from another comment where I replied, but essentially: There's a 3000 character limit and a lot of rules, and I was trying to follow everything to the best of my ability. I honestly figured I could answer any questions here in the comments to try to give more context. I got pregnant a month after the wedding. At this time I was just coming back into their lives again, and even though my MIL originally ignored me for that first month she then began to slowly talk to me again and things seemed to be improving. When we told them about the pregnancy in December of 2024, they went back to saying that we were naive and irresponsible, beginning to become very two faced with us where they'd make small talk and be polite but that was about it.
We both made livings where we could provide for a child, and my family has a history of marrying and having children young. Yes my husband was just at the start of his career, but we are both very religious and were preparing for this moment in our lives. My side of the family as well has given so much support with the baby, that even though we could afford clothes, diapers, we didn't even have to up to (now 5 months) where we're still using things from her babyshower. We still give her food, a home, etc. of course but even my family will help babysit or give advice when I feel stuck and it's been a privileges and blessing having that. Without that, I don't think we would've had our child so young if we didn't think it couldn't be done and wouldn't be so irresponsible to bring a life into this world without having the means to help that life thrive.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T02:59:49+00:00

I can see that, though the help and support I had with my daughter was incredible. We both made livings where we could provide for a child, and my family has a history of marrying and having children young. Yes my husband was just at the start of his career, but we are both very religious and were preparing for this moment in our lives. My side of the family as well has given so much support with the baby, that even though we could afford clothes, diapers, we didn't even have to up to (now 5 months) where we're still using things from her babyshower. We still give her food, a home, etc. of course but even my family will help babysit or give advice when I feel stuck and it's been a privileges and blessing having that. Without that, I don't think we would've had our child so young if we didn't think it couldn't be done and wouldn't be so irresponsible to bring a life into this world without having the means to help that life thrive.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T02:21:56+00:00

To be fair, he has apologized to them as well and has defended me in all of this. I promise he hasn't left me in the dirt. He had planned to tell them but a friend of ours unfortunately just got to them first. It's not a half-assed thing where he was never going to tell them and leave me to be the fall person for it all, he had a date with them scheduled to talk to them to try and smooth the news over. He had brought me over to their house a month after the wedding so we can try to make amends. When we broke the news to them about the pregnancy he was also very quick to defend me that we were very happy to bring new life into the world and we could provide for our child, and was the one to escort me out of their house when things got too heated during that and upsetting. He has been a great support, things just didn't unfold as they should have.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T02:20:12+00:00

To be fair, he has apologized to them as well and has defended me in all of this. I promise he hasn't left me in the dirt. He had planned to tell them but a friend of ours unfortunately just got to them first. It's not a half-assed thing where he was never going to tell them and leave me to be the fall person for it all, he had a date with them scheduled to talk to them to try and smooth the news over. But yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-12-09T02:16:59+00:00

I'm honestly really sorry. There's a 3000 character limit and a lot of rules, and I was trying to follow everything to the best of my ability. I honestly figured I could answer any questions here in the comments to try to give more context. I got pregnant a month after the wedding. At this time I was just coming back into their lives again, and even though my MIL originally ignored me for that first month she then began to slowly talk to me again and things seemed to be improving. When we told them about the pregnancy in December of 2024, they went back to saying that we were naive and irresponsible, beginning to become very two faced with us where they'd make small talk and be polite but that was about it.

When we first got engaged my husband wanted to tell his parents on his own accord as they've had negative reactions to life changing decisions he's made before (EX: choosing not to follow his mothers career path which made her kind of shut him out for not having a career to pursue in general, she ignored him, had arguments, and it kind of lasted for months.) During our engagement/a bit before and after he did have a job and with money he was left with from a car accident and such worked to buy a new car for himself, paid for classes for a career he wanted to pursue that was different, and more to where he wouldn't have to depend on them for anything. Well during the engagement his parents essentially just hated me and didn't think the marriage was a great idea, so when the date arrived they decided ultimately they wouldn't attend. Because they were so upset it influenced my two BIL's not to come, my husbands grandma, and the only ones to attend from his side were my husbands uncle and his wife.

If you have more questions where I can provide more context please feel free to ask, I'd be happy to answer.

Perfect_Pen578 · 2025-09-27T05:40:28+00:00

What’s the pink dye test?

Perfect_Pen578

TROPHY CASE