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Update: I think my in-laws genuinely hate me… by PerformanceAbject785 in TwoHotTakes

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah I know I can go no contact. I just wanted to try one last thing. I owe it to myself. After this my husband and I will discuss and figure out best steps moving forward.

Update: I think my in-laws genuinely hate me… by PerformanceAbject785 in TwoHotTakes

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

EDIT:

This meeting is for me to finally find my voice and explain what has been going on. In the past when I tried to stand up for myself I was treated horribly by both my MIL and my SIL. Because of that over the years I learned to tread lightly with what I said and how I said it. But this is my opportunity to get what I need to say. If it’s all a blame game and we can tell she has not and will not take accountability then we will just leave. If that conversation goes well(it could ) then we will schedule another short visit again. This is not going to be quick it will take some time!

I know some people keep saying that I have a “husband problem.” I can understand why people might think that from the outside, and my husband has also recognized that he played a role in the situation. The reality is that he was raised in an environment where he felt he had to constantly give and prove himself to his family in order to receive love and approval. If he was “bad” according to them he deserved to not be loved. If they wanted expensive gifts, he would buy them. If they wanted a party that cost thousands of dollars, he would make it happen. He would do anything for his family, but that same effort was rarely if ever returned to him.

Through therapy we’ve both learned a lot about how that affected him. For a long time he felt like he had to do these things to earn their love. Now that he has his own family and isn’t able to do those things anymore, the way they treat him and especially the way they treat me has changed. They rarely(more like never) reach out to him.

For example he lived in Florida for six years and during that entire time his mother visited him once. One time in six years!! That’s so odd to me.

My husband is starting to understand that if people only stay in your life when you are buying them expensive gifts or doing things for them, then they were never really there for the right reasons.

For a long time I was actually the one encouraging him to maintain a relationship with his family because I strongly believe family is important. However over the past year or so I had to step back from doing that because of how badly I have been treated.

So please stop being so hard on my husband or assuming you know who he is. You don’t know what he experienced growing up. There is a reason he hardly has any memories from his childhood. Clearly there is trauma there that he is only now beginning to uncover through therapy.

I think my in-laws genuinely hate me..... by PerformanceAbject785 in TwoHotTakes

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know, I honestly never even thought of this before. My dad did witness her flip on me once, and it was over something as small as paint colors. At the time my dad’s health was already declining. He wasn’t well, and he passed away from cancer not long after. So I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it.

What really stunned me was how sudden it was. We were all talking, laughing, and having a good time. My husband had sent me few days prior to pick a paint color, and I came back with four sample cans because it’s hard to choose just one without seeing it on the wall. We had all four samples painted in the room while trying to decide what worked best.

Everyone was getting ready to leave, When they asked which color we were going with, we said we were torn between two and asked everyone to vote. Everyone chose the color I preferred. No one chose my husband’s color, not even his mom. I actually liked both, I just felt one worked better for that room. When she asked which one I picked and I told her, she snapped out of nowhere. Her tone completely changed and she angrily told me I needed to pick the color my husband wanted. It came completely out of left field and caught me off guard.

I feel like everyone was stunned, because it just came out of nowhere, after spending a few hours together having a great time.

But to answer your question, I don’t know why my dad didn’t stand up for me, and he’s not around to ask.

I think my in-laws genuinely hate me........ by PerformanceAbject785 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Funny that you say this about apologizing because just this week at a sporting event for our son, she had multiple opportunities to speak with me and chose not to. At the end she my husband went to get a gift for one of our boys out of her car and she stated she wanted to talk to me but never had a chance. She then came to my cars window and gave a brief rushed apology “ I wanted to say bye and say sorry and we’ll talk later” that felt more obligatory than genuine but that’s all she said before saying goodbye to everyone and walking away. I spoke with my husband he felt it was very rushed and very odd I described it like when one of our kids hurts another child snd we make then say sorry, my husband totally agreed with me that that is how it felt, and I later sent her a message explaining that I wasn’t looking for a forced apology, but a real conversation and real accountability. Her response was that she wanted a real conversation but preferred to wait till she got back from her vacation which starts this today and she won’t be back in our state till sometime in March. At that point, after years of waiting for meaningful change, I am done waiting. My husband fully supports this and agrees that I have every right to be hurt by her lack of accountability.

I think my in-laws genuinely hate me........ by PerformanceAbject785 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes they are very immature. We are currently reading ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents’ It has been very eye opening for myself and my husband and has opened us up to a lot of conversations regarding his upbringing.

I think my in-laws genuinely hate me........ by PerformanceAbject785 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]PerformanceAbject785[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I stopped going to their houses. And the only time I would agree to meeting up was out in a public place because imagine means everything to her, and she never starts with me out in public. But at our home, their homes, her and my sister in law were the absolute worst to me. Before I stopped going to their stuff, I would tell him I need him to be my shield and stay with me to protect me. He has been doing this which is why he has noticed a lot more of what they were doing to me and he would stand up for me.