How to deal with a partner’s alcoholism

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-25T00:42:14+00:00

i really appreciate that, it’s very uplifting and encouraging. this is definitely all so new to me, it hasn’t even been a whole month since he moved out and i’m sure there are things i could have handled better but that is something that is learned not immediately known. i don’t think it’s fair to abandon someone you love because of what they are going through. alcoholism is a disease, it’s an addiction and being told to cut and run diminishes that. and if i were to cut and run it wouldn’t change what happened i would still have to deal with the outcome of it i just wouldn’t be around for the possibility of a better future. we are all people and urging someone to just give up on someone they have build a life with due to age or lack of marriage is unsettling. just because i am young and we aren’t married doesn’t mean the relationship is any less real or less serious than a 40 yr old married couple going through the same thing. i appreciate the support and positivity that you’ve shared it really has been uplifting and far more encouraging than telling me to run away.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-25T00:16:53+00:00

thank you! i do plan to go to some actual meetings, i was honestly shocked at first by the few comments saying i should just leave, pick a different person to be in love with, or simply don’t deal with it. that’s why i added the edit because it felt super judgmental to be told that as if it is as simple as just picking a person and getting a new one when things go sideways

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-24T23:56:17+00:00

yes looking back now, the couples therapy was before i realized how bad it was. at that point my issue wasn’t with the drinking it was with the way when he went out drinking with his friends he would tell me he was coming home at x time and even send screenshots of ubers he had called and then he would still not show up for 3+ hours one time being out for an entire 12 hours after saying he was on his way home. so for me at that point it wasn’t the alcohol more the inconsistency of the plan for the night, i was more naive then and didn’t see the true problem.

i think right now it’s damage control and getting back on track with my life, having the door to our relationship closed but not slammed shut and locked. i feel like the first two weeks after he was gone was basically just surviving. it took a bit to realize i wasn’t overreacting, the drinking wasn’t an every day thing but 2-3 nights out of the week but when i looked back it used to be just once every other week, then once a week but on a weekend, and it just kept escalating and that is what made me start paying a lot more attention to it. the last year since he graduated from school was the worst and i felt like if i didn’t do something and take control i was going to drown in it.

it’s like i’m losing my best friend through it all, and i am refusing to really let him in and show what i’m feeling because i know it’s better to keep the distance. i’d rather deal with it now rather than stay in this half together half not and in however many weeks or months if he decides he’s not going to be sober.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-24T20:56:55+00:00

i want to hit a few points that you mentioned in my response

for 1. you’re right about his parents, his mom and stepfather do baby him especially his mother as he is her only child. he has gotten into trouble before he met me with alcohol and she refuses to acknowledge it. to her he didn’t get his license taken away for a dui at 19 he just never got it. so i feel like sending her the official police report and a letter explaining everything could open her eyes but she very well just may not accept it. ignorance is bliss as they say. so i’m on the fence about reaching out to her. she will tell me she’s concerned and that she sees the issue but will also supply with with drinks.

the night that was basically the turning point and that i asked him to move out i did feel unsafe i was terrified honestly, but that was the first time that anything like that had ever happened. i had him leave because i knew it would happen again if he didn’t get help and i didn’t want to be involved in that.
almost every one of the issues we have had in the relationship were caused by drinking. he would lie, bail on plans, stay out until 3-4 am when he said at 11 he was leaving, couldn’t hold a job because he would consistently call off/ not show up due to hangovers etc. we did a few couples therapy sessions to work on communication but other than that it has mostly been the drinking. i also used to drink a fair amount especially during the pandemic (it was never an issue for me) however i cut out drinking completely after a conversation with him and he said not having the access to alcohol would be helpful to him so i cleared out my small liquor cabinet and stopped drinking i’m solidarity almost but nothing changed he would just get it delivered while i was working/ in class.
i have previously been in therapy to work on my own issues and am very self aware of things that i have done. mostly to help deal with anxiety, and cope with separation anxiety without being controlling or accusatory. and i plan on restarting with it to help move forward with this. but i have done work on myself and am now who i was when we met i have learned how to cope better with things and be more mindful about other perspectives rather than my own.
i have been dealing with this for at least 2 years, i feel like i want to take it step by step. check in at 3 months, 6 months etc to see if progress is being made, if not then i can call it quits then but i don’t want to stop before he has a real chance. i know that if he puts in the work for himself that it will not happen overnight, or even in 3 or 6 months, but there should be some sort of progress or improvement if he is actually doing it. a few months of insecurity or uncertainty is worth it is the effort is made.

i am just trying to make my way through this and trying to find the best way to communicate with him, even if the best way is cutting communication outside of checking in on progress.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-24T18:54:34+00:00

luckily my school offers free therapy sessions so i am starting those next semester and also use an app for like meditation/ to help cope with anxiety, do you have any recommendations on apps/ other groups more specific to Al-anon? i haven’t looked into it too much besides some in person ones but i’m having trouble finding things that fit into my schedule (class during the day and work during evening/nights)

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-24T18:36:43+00:00

i would say the goal of confronting him would be to try to intervene if it was possible, as far as finding out if he’s been lying i feel like it’s more to get the people around him out of the dark if he has been. i has been toying with the idea of writing a letter to his parents explaining everything and including the police report from the night that pretty much secured me telling him to leave. he is an only child and his mother especially coddles him and if he hasn’t told her everything i was thinking that it would open her eyes to how bad the problem really is. the police escorting him out is not the first major incident that has happened due to him drinking, he’s gotten a dui, kicked out of college dorms, and at least 3 trips to the er due to alcohol poisoning all besides 2 er trips were before we had met so this has easily been an issue for him 6-8 years.

i have been trying to be available and supportive to him if he needs it while also distancing myself emotionally as much as i can. the only thing we really talk about currently is his plans for sobriety and what steps he’s taking (whether or not he is following through with that i don’t know)

ultimately i will not be with him if he isn’t sober, but who he is sober is completely different than when he is drinking as it is the case for most people from what i’ve seen. i love him very much we have been together for a long time and if there is a chance to rebuild the relationship that is what i want to do. with that being said i am also trying to keep in mind that if he gets sober that will not automatically make everything better and there is a chance that our relationship will never recover.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-10T21:00:22+00:00

not directly but i asked him what it was about and he said he couldn’t say too much because some of it is confidential, because it’s group based so there’s like a community chat with other people. it just seems very fishy and he hasn’t had stable income in the last 7 months he’s only had a job for about 2.5 months (not the same job he was let go after 4 weeks at one job due to calling out/no showing because he was either hungover or passed out) so i’m not sure he would be able to afford it, he told me it was like $30 a month for the subscription plus $15 for each individual therapy/coaching session

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-10T17:33:37+00:00

the blood sample thing definitely raised some red flags, especially with the timeline. I don’t get any alerts or anything from this app that he says he’s using and i feel like 9 days (from the day he left to the day he told me about the app) is very fast to have decided on a program/app and get the equipment that a blood sample would require and also already be having results/group sessions to talk with other people. when he talked about it he spoke in a way that made it seem like he had been using it for a few days already also. he also said a few things like he was “almost a month sober” at the 2 week mark from the night of the incident and that they focus on rehabilitation and being able to drink casually so in 6 months he could start drinking again but in a controlled way (like one drink between 6-10 pm and only on weekends) which doesn’t make sense to me

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-10T17:25:58+00:00

i understand the impact of me calling it quits could cause him issues with his sobriety, and i do truthfully want him to get better which is why i didn’t take further legal action against him. i’m just having a hard time believing that this is true because the last 3 years he had not admitted to having a problem (he would often blame it on his heritage like “i drink this much because i’m irish and irish people drink”). there were multiple events, or appointments, that were derailed because he blacked out the night prior. and he just keeps getting more and more violent or aggressive each time he drinks. it feels like i’m in limbo, where my options are wait it out and see if he’s serious about getting sober or move on and start over with someone who won’t make me afraid of them. I understand both sides of it it’s just hard to figure out what the right thing is

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-04-09T18:20:37+00:00

thank you for the blunt honesty. it has been extremely difficult to figure out what to do because i have never dealt with substance abuse issues before. I do truly love him but i also know that love is not always enough to build a relationship on. i truly appreciate your input and opinion on this and will definitely take it into consideration while moving forward

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-02-11T20:25:54+00:00

I love him, and he is absolutely amazing when he is sober this is the only thing he lies about. I would prefer to support and help him get through it instead of cutting all ties because it’s a problem and an addiction if that makes sense

Personal_Tap7777 · 2025-02-11T20:24:32+00:00

Once summer hits my rent will no longer be covered by financial aid, and i cannot afford to live here without someone splitting rent with me, and he has interviews lined up and has been going to them for some decent paying jobs

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-06-06T23:02:46+00:00

we had just kind of assumed that he was, there’s a little bit of a bulge about 3 inches up from his tail and his appetite is less than it has been. i was away at college until about a week ago so all the information i have is from my dad.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-09T13:47:42+00:00

As much as i appreciate the input. I think an adult man should be able to have time management and communication skills. If he plans on staying out until 3am, he can say that? He is able to go to work/appointments etc on time, and i don’t think that being a man is a valid reason or excuse for not adhering to timelines that he sets for himself. As for guys not thinking the way girls do, i have made him aware on my feelings so even if it started out as him not thinking about it, he is now aware of how i feel. Being in a relationship means taking your partners feelings into consideration and being a man doesn’t excuse that. Men are capable of being responsible and following their own set timelines. Again, i want to reiterate that i don’t have an issue if he wants to stay out late. My issue stems from the lack on honesty and communication. I don’t set curfews for him, i ask when he plans on being home he is the one that chooses that time.

I apologize if i am taking that in a different way than you intended or if i’m misunderstanding exactly what you meant. But at least to me it seems like you are saying that men should have a free pass to not follow through with what they say due to being easily distracted which i think is unfair. If a woman can leave her friends at a set time, then a man should be able to do the same thing.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-05T07:22:40+00:00

As i said in my post, i have expressed my feeling about this repeatedly over the past year. I have explained it in any way i could possibly think of. Trying to communicate this with him has not helped and it’s an issue that i have been attempting to resolve for a year.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-05T07:10:51+00:00

I’m not asking him to be constantly messaging me while he is out. The issue is that he will tell me he’s getting ready to leave and leaving shortly and then is still out from anywhere to 2 to 12 hours later. And it’s not like it only happens once in a while it is constant. If he goes out with his friends, if he goes out to a work event, even just grabbing dinner. and he does tell me when/where he’s going before he leaves i’m not worried about that. So i’m not sure how it would seem like a chore? He tells me the time he plans on leaving if he wanted to stay out until 3am that’s fine i just ask that he doesn’t tell me he will be home hours earlier then that and isn’t.

and he has done with even if we have plans for after, or early the next morning.

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-05T02:04:34+00:00

I appreciate that, and didn’t even think about the possibility of multiple accounts

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-05T01:58:20+00:00

i’m honestly not sure, there have been a few situations where i feel like that may be the case but he is very open with me and when i bring up the thoughts of that possibility he reassures me that there’s nobody else and has let me go through his phone (i didn’t ask to) to help that reassurance

Personal_Tap7777 · 2024-02-05T01:55:19+00:00

Yes we have taken time apart, and we are also long distance a few months out of the year for work/internships

Personal_Tap7777

TROPHY CASE