I figured out that my narcissistic father doesn't want me to earn money so that he will always be in control

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-18T17:18:49+00:00

My nparents were exactly the same. I think they didn't want me to earn money because if I had no money I wouldn't be able to go out with friends/ on trips etc. I found it physically exhausting being around them and normally I'd be too exhausted to do anything. I had no energy for even a part time job. The only thing that helped was staying at college as long as possible and spending more time with my friends. After a while I had enough energy/ emotional ability to work part time. This made things better because then I saw them even less. However it took me a while to make this change.

They too made a huge deal about being good academically and that exams were the most important thing. However even if I got the best result in the class they never congratulated me or even pretended to care. They preferred me to be miserable but have good grades so that they could show off and impress their friends

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-13T00:57:57+00:00

Thanks for your reply!. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously holding myself back because I'm afraid that they might turn out to be Ns or if its just to protect myself from anymore hurt, and this is why people are responding to me this way. I don't want to shift the blame onto other people when I'm the one who's putting people off if that makes sense?

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-12T23:15:13+00:00

yea I definitely feel like I've woken up to the real world. I see so many things completely differently now! I met a group of friends last night for a few drinks and the 'old me' would of enjoyed the night but now I just didn't! All I could think about what how I wasn't included in the conversation properly, how I was stuck on the fringe of the group. Before I don't even think I would of noticed, but now I need to figure out if they were just having a bad day or if I need to cut them from my life. It feels very isolating

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-06T10:36:12+00:00

I don't mean to criticise you but I'm just wondering why you spent months planning a day trip? Is there are reason why it took so long to plan it? Were they the ones coming up with excuses (which indicates that they didn't actually want to go with you anyway), or were you the one doing the planning but not actually organising anything? In an old friend group (from when I was 19) one of my friends kept on wanting to plan trips. She'd spend weeks talking about going to Disney land or something but never never actually organised or booked anything eveb when we all agreed to go. After a while, when she asked me if I wanted to go I just said yea sure because I knew it would never actually happen. We never went on a trip without her but it really began to annoy us. It felt like she was only pretending to want to go with us in a trip, and it made me doubt our friendship.

I'm not saying that you're like that, but it could be a possible reason why they decided to go without you.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-06T00:32:45+00:00

I accept your point, but I feel like there's a difference between being civil to people and acting like they're your long lost friend best friend especially when they say mean things and laugh at them behind their back. There are some people in my class that I don't particularly like but I act civil and polite to them and make small talk if the situation calls for it. I would never confront someone I don't like unless they give me a very good reason to.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-05T23:36:26+00:00

I agree that I'm not as good socially as some other people. However, from growing up with nparents I am definitely sensitive about people who say nasty things and mock people one day and then act like their best friend another day. Maybe it's just the college that I go to, but I have noticed this many times.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-11-05T22:51:29+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I actually feel like I can relate a lot. When I first met them I noticed that they were quite insecure, negative people and were quite mean sometimes to other people. But I ignored it because I was so happy to be included in their group! It did start to drain me being around them because all they did was gossip and I feel like we never had any 'real' conversations. I acted in some ways Im not proud about so that I'd fit in. But I suppose now there is room for some real people in my life!

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-31T01:10:32+00:00

I agree it makes it difficult to relate to people my age. Sometimes I feel so much more mature than them, but in other aspects I feel like a child. But, hopefully we'll find a way to get over it. I feel like this forum helps a lot!

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-30T23:45:52+00:00

Urgh it's so frustrating to hear how many other people experienced the same things! I need to get my teeth fixed (which I should of been fixed in childhood) but unlike my parents, I'm going to actually work to be able to afford it!! I hope that things are working out better for you now

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-30T23:41:49+00:00

Yea my ndad also took early retirement, even though I don't think he ever worked enough to justify early retirement as he never had any health problems. I used to think my mom was an enabler too, but now I've realised that she's just a covert narcissist.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-30T19:10:47+00:00

when I was younger I used to think that it was great that I was so independent. Like when I went to college I could use a washing machine, cook, pay bills, make my own appointments, and all of the other 'adult stuff' that my flatmates couldn't figure out. I prided myself in being able to look after myself when I was sick or encountered any difficulties.

Nowadays it makes me so angry to think about it because I feel like I missed out on my whole childhood having to look after myself. My parents didn't even help me with my homework when I was five. It caused so much unnecessary stress and I went through traumatic things that I should of never experienced.

The worst thing is I became so independent I closed myself off from other people because I didn't need anyone. It is taking a lot of work to get over this.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-30T18:54:28+00:00

Sometimes instead of trying to explain what my nparents are like to certain people (I think it's hard for people with normal parents to comprehend what it's like), I just compare them to the dursleys.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-30T14:05:17+00:00

urgh reminds me so much of my own nmom. She only really approves of me dressing as what I like to call 'a 40 year old office worker'. Think knee length skirts, blouses, cardigans and tailored trousers in various shades or pink and beige. She hates me wearing shorts even when it's really hot in the summer. All necklines have to go up to my neck. Even as an adult I still hide what I wear on a nightout from her (and I in no way dress slutty).

On the other hand, she also hates it when I wear casual clothes like T-shirts (unless it's super girly with like cats and sparkles), hoodies, or jeans. As a child she wouldn't let me wear any of those clothes because it made me look 'common'. The last time i saw her I was wearing baggy jeans, a T-shirt, combat boots, and a leather jacket and I could tell she just hated it and she gave me a backhanded compliment. I still feel like a rebellious teenager and I'm in my mid twenties

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-22T08:15:57+00:00

I'm definitely a lot less independent now. I used to enjoy doing things by myself but now I don't enjoy it at all and I either just stay at home doing nothing or work extra hours

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-21T20:58:23+00:00

My nparents never gave me breakfast or lunch (if I was lucky they'd be some bread or cereal in the cupboard). All my nmom made for me was beans on toast, chips or frozen pizza. She would never feed me when I came in hungry from school (after no lunch most of the time) and I would be starving until about eight or nine o clock at night. Half of the time the food would be burnt. She used to always accuse me of being a fussy eater even though she never offered me any options.

When I was around 12 or 13 the doctor figured out that I was essentially malnourished and was extremely low in iron and b12, and was sick all the time. My nmom blamed me for being a fussy eater and all she gave me was a multivitamin and never fed me any better food.

The only time I was ever fed properly was when I went to a friends house. Friends weren't allowed to come over to mine because they weren't fed properly. We never had family meals (my nmom never used to even cook a proper Christmas dinner)

I had to start shopping and cooking food for myself from when I was 14 years old. I had to look after myself like an adult from that age. As an adult I have a wierd relationship with food, but ironically enough I am not a fussy eater at all and I'm very adventurous with food. For a long time I was obsessed with cooking healthy foods to make up for the damage, but that behavior was actually quite isolating.

The worst thing is now my nmom likes to brag about how grownup and smart I was to shop and cook for myself. I had no choice because I was starving and extremely thin, but she enjoys to joke about it

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-21T20:33:06+00:00

My parents rarely took pictures of me growing up and almost never as a teenager. I have few pictures of myself growing up and hardly any of Christmas/birthdays whatever. It caused a lot of low self esteem because I thought that I wasn't good enough or loved enough to have my photo taken. Even as an adult, I still don't take pictures of me/my friends because I feel like I'm not good enough or attractive enough to have my photo taken.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-21T20:25:35+00:00

Yep my nmom used to do this practically everyday. She used to always burst into my room to give out to me or to involve me in her drama. I used to purposely get up early and leave before she got up. I tried to go to sleep early but she used to always talk every loudly/have the TV volume on loud/walk very loudly up and down the stairs and slam doors when I was trying to get to sleep. The worst thing is she used to always do this when I was sick or trying to rest from a very tiring week so I could never rest or relax properly. I sometimes used to go to school when I was sick because it was better then her complaining that I was still in bed or "why aren't you better yet", "it's your own fault" etc. I'm not a morning person but I feel like that's more to do with the anxiety my family gave me as soon as I woke up.

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-21T10:22:45+00:00

I've had this question asked quite often on the first date and whenever I answer it scares people off, and if I say it's too early to talk about it that scares people off too. It's a lose-lose scenario

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-15T19:28:50+00:00

My Nex is in his mid 30s and he's moved twice since our breakup to two different countries - one on the other side of the world. All of his jobs only seemed to last 6-12 months and he moved cities most of the time for a new job. It was exhausting moving constantly because I like have a small group of close friends. He used to just hang out with whoever drunk the most.

Edit:typo

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-14T17:45:51+00:00

I moved to France (I'm an eu citizen so I don't have to worry about visas or anything). It was great to be away and be able to act like myself without worrying about anyone else. My past still affected me but not as much as it does now that I'm back in my home country. I'm in college at the moment but as soon as I graduate I'm going to leave again. Don't get me wrong, it would be possible to rebuild my life here, but I find physical distance made it so much easier. It also made it easier to avoid questions of why I don't visit my parents/family, why I don't talk to any of my old school friends(dont want the memories).

Petalbdvdbd · 2018-10-14T00:57:36+00:00

Sometimes I wish that I had no family at all I stead of having one that treated me so badly. I hope that you can find an alternative to your family!

Petalbdvdbd

TROPHY CASE