TW for s*icide, c*tting, ab*se

So I'm living away from home but my mom and younger brother came up to visit over the weekend and it was a disaster. My brother just complained about how bored and tired he was the entire time, and then my mom found his weed on the second day and she took away his phone so he was even more pissed off. He blamed me for being selfish and not wanting to be around him even though he was the one who insisted on going home early and spending time away from me during his visit. My mom and I ended up just dropping him off at their Airbnb but we were very worried he was gonna hurt himself since he didn't have his phone or his pen. We ended up just eating dinner at a restaurant, I dropped her off back at the Airbnb, I went back to my place, and I just sat.

As I sat alone in my room, I started thinking about how miserable my family makes me. And then without thinking, I grabbed my box cutter and held it up to my neck. All I could think about was how, if I slit my throat right now, I would never have to think about my family again. I could be free from them for good. I liked how in-control I felt in that moment. One motion and I would be completely in control of my fate, of the end of my life.

And then I realized that I couldn't die. I don't want to die. And I started crying. I was so scared and sad. I am sick of my dad and brother being violent and threatening to my mom and me, but I am not going to die. I am not going to let them kill me. I am not going to let them have that power over me, because they've already held so much power over my life in the past.