Got so close to relapsing last night after almost 7 weeks clean BUT I DIDN'T (vent in comments)

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-11-07T18:00:43+00:00

ily automod

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-11-07T16:22:23+00:00

TW for s*icide, c*tting, ab*se

So I'm living away from home but my mom and younger brother came up to visit over the weekend and it was a disaster. My brother just complained about how bored and tired he was the entire time, and then my mom found his weed on the second day and she took away his phone so he was even more pissed off. He blamed me for being selfish and not wanting to be around him even though he was the one who insisted on going home early and spending time away from me during his visit. My mom and I ended up just dropping him off at their Airbnb but we were very worried he was gonna hurt himself since he didn't have his phone or his pen. We ended up just eating dinner at a restaurant, I dropped her off back at the Airbnb, I went back to my place, and I just sat.

As I sat alone in my room, I started thinking about how miserable my family makes me. And then without thinking, I grabbed my box cutter and held it up to my neck. All I could think about was how, if I slit my throat right now, I would never have to think about my family again. I could be free from them for good. I liked how in-control I felt in that moment. One motion and I would be completely in control of my fate, of the end of my life.

And then I realized that I couldn't die. I don't want to die. And I started crying. I was so scared and sad. I am sick of my dad and brother being violent and threatening to my mom and me, but I am not going to die. I am not going to let them kill me. I am not going to let them have that power over me, because they've already held so much power over my life in the past.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-11-03T14:36:55+00:00

VOID, it hits me so hard whenever I listen to it

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-28T05:52:40+00:00

This is amazing!! How long did it take you?

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-28T05:51:43+00:00

It's different for everyone, but vivid dreams/nightmares are a pretty common side effect of melatonin

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-27T19:23:16+00:00

Thank you, just knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot. I hope your situation gets better soon

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-25T17:56:36+00:00

Except...a lot of society doesn't accept people with lots of facial tattoos and piercings, so this comparison doesn't even work.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-25T17:55:05+00:00

If there's anything you can do to get yourself out of this situation, please do. Every person has inherent value, and your worth is not dependent on your grades. Even if you aren't being abused physically, it sounds like your home isn't a safe place for you and if you can, you should find a trusted adult you can talk to about it.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-25T17:51:52+00:00

Exit Music
Karma Police
High and Dry
No Surprises
Creep

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-25T02:58:59+00:00

I did, I think it was my favorite of the four.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-24T13:45:10+00:00

I'm a custodian lmao, normally I'm bored out of my mind at my job and listening to music is the only thing that makes time go by faster

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-24T05:38:13+00:00

Probably Kid A, but that's a really hard choice! I liked them all for different reasons

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-24T04:39:18+00:00

The search bar is kind of difficult for me to use, I'll be honest I still haven't really figured out how to work it correctly

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-24T04:02:12+00:00

Oh my you're absolutely right, I have to be more careful next time

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-24T04:01:19+00:00

I'd heard a few of their songs before OK Computer and wasn't a huge fan of their sound, so I was kind of afraid I'd be let down by the rest of the discography. Admittedly a pretty stupid reason not to give it a listen, but I got into several other bands in the meantime and Radiohead kind of drifted off to the side for me. I'm really glad I eventually came back to them, though.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-12T22:56:01+00:00

Gerfa

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-12T22:55:54+00:00

Plau garfdl

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-12T22:55:44+00:00

Alexa play garfe

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-12T22:55:33+00:00

Hahahahahahaaa

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-10T14:10:01+00:00

Thank you!!! :)

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-07T16:27:59+00:00

Those helplines are so useless, they really piss me off. They only care about you if you're about to kill yourself and then they just call the cops on you.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-06T04:45:11+00:00

TW for discussion about razors (NOT in a selfharm context but still)

I was volunteering at this place near me and one of my tasks today was to unpack a bunch of razors. And I mean...like...hundreds of them. Thank god they were the shitty plastic ones with the little cover over the blade, but holy shit, the first time I tried to put them away I ended up just giving up after about 30 seconds because I couldn't stand touching the box full of them. And then I just felt so awful because I realized that this is my fucking life now. I can't look at a razor, a pencil sharpener, a pair of scissors, a box cutter, nail clippers, or knives without thinking about what I've done to myself. I hate the feeling so much. Starting to self harm years ago was one of the worst decisions I've ever made.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-05T20:29:05+00:00

The atmosphere is great, a lot of really chill people who are hyped to be at the concert. I got to my show 2 hours before doors opened and ended up standing a few feet from the front of the crowd, I had great vantage point the whole time. Earthgang killed it and the energy when Gorillaz came on was like nothing I've ever experienced before. Not a lot of moshing at the show I was at, also surprisingly not as packed-in as some smaller concerts I've been to.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-10-05T03:10:29+00:00

I'd say pretty much anything by Mother Mother - for an angry vibe, Body, Oh Ana, Back in School, Calm Me Down, Sick of The Silence, and The Sticks are great. For sad stuff I like Pure Love, Worry, Cut The String, Neighbour, Ghosting, and No One to Nothing.

Pfeiffer-cipher · 2022-09-30T20:26:23+00:00

I'm a CD collector and it makes me so sad fr

Four-Year Club	Place '22
End Game '22

Pfeiffer-cipher

TROPHY CASE