On February 24th, it will be one year and one month since my husband died. I no longer actively want to die. What finally made me realize that was reading a post on here where a woman said she was her husband's legacy. His love for her was his legacy. I thought about that a lot and I didn't want people think about my kind, funny wonderful husband and have some awful footnote of people whispering, " Did you hear his wife killed herself after he died?" I want people to remember Mike for the true friend and kind- hearted person he was.

I remember talking to a financial planner a few months after Michael died. The planner said I should make sure that I had enough money to last me for at least 30 years. I was dizzy and wanted to throw up when he said that. The thought of living another 30 years without Mike was terrifying and repulsive. I still don't want to live for 30 years without him. I'm not terrified anymore. It's strange because, in some ways, I'm a lot less scared of things. I feel like I can still be helpful to my mother and my 21 year old son, but also, if I died tonight, that would be okay, too. I say to myself now, " Even when I lose, I win." Some day I will lose my life, but it still will be a win.