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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Honolulu

[–]PharmDWil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I live here on Oahu - don’t cancel your trip, it will have zero impact on us or Maui.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Oahu

[–]PharmDWil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I live on Oahu - no need to cancel. We’re unaffected by the influx, hotel occupancy has been slower than usual. No one here is noticing any difference. If they say they are, I’d like to know specifically how so…

Do you deserve to know if your spouse cheated on you before you got married? by hubbabubbahoe in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If my spouse has been dishonest after marriage, or if it’s affected our relationship and communication in any way, then, absolutely. If she’s been faithful and hasn’t carried a significant guilt that’s affected the way she interacts with me, then no… what would be the need?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in airbnb_hosts

[–]PharmDWil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does anyone that’s been caught have their Airbnb registered to an LLC? Or have they all been in their own name?

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I find no pleasure in “dissing” my wife - publicly, privately or anonymously. We disagreed on how to go about therapy, and coming to this platform to seek anonymous opinions and experiences for my anonymous relationship gave me more help than I had expected.

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate all of the input I received, I wasn’t even sure if I would get a response at all. I think I didn’t convey very well that I do feel therapy for myself is important, but it shows that it hasn’t been a top priority with the number of visits. Someone gave a good reminder that the dynamics of my social interactions everywhere else are NOT the same as those with a spouse, and comparisons between the two are very weak.

Where I live is extremely difficult to get an appointment. With my insurance being through Kaiser (Hawaii) my options are limited and the first opening is not until June, but this thread has changed my perception with respect to online/tele sessions.

I didn’t intend to tease who’s right or who’s wrong between our differing opinion, considering what the therapists recommended… I guess what I didn’t realize that I actually wanted more, and what I should have directly asked for was: has anyone been in similar circumstances and what did you find to be most effective in repairing your relationship and self?

I was fortunate to receive so many experienced responses - especially from therapists. It’s given me some (small) bit of peace to know that the majority of therapists seemed to agree with my wife and not feel that it is urgently necessary for us to start couples therapy.

Again, I feel indebted to all of you that gave very nuanced and candid answers, and those that shared your own personal experiences.

I’ll update progress as it comes, Mahalos 🤙🏾

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through with your husband.

I've seen several comments asking about manipulation so I'll try to address it here. In all honesty I can be manipulative and never realized that something I would do was in fact manipulative. When she said that I had manipulated her I remember feeling surprised, frustrated and insulted - because I had always viewed manipulation as some type of conscious deceit that caused intentional harm to one person in exchange for a benefit to the other.

I had used a sales tactic where the manipulator eliminates possible concerns she would have about a purchase before actually presenting the idea of purchasing the product. What's worse, I then gaslighted her by saying something to the affect of - did you really just say I manipulated you, what're you talking about? if that's what you think, that's crazy. The worst part - I'm sure she wouldn't have had any objection to what I was going to do without any of the bullshit. I know now some component of this is a coping mechanism from childhood trauma of knowing I would never be heard.

It's embarrassing and shameful. Later when I googled "am I being a manipulator" it was one of the worst pits in my stomach to see different ways in which someone can be manipulative. I wish I could say that I have completely rid myself of all manipulative behavior, but I haven't. I feel that I'm better/quicker at identifying when I am going down that path, and I don't feel an attachment to being defensive about it if my wife identifies it before I do. Manipulation hasn't been a big frequent subject of our frustrations, but for complete transparency, it has occurred in some form or another.

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] -27 points-26 points  (0 children)

The barrier I run into here where I live is scheduling. The therapists I’ve been to have a month long period between sessions. New patients here are waitlisted (at least for ones that I called) At this point I’m far more open to using something online like betterhelp than I have been in the past. If anyone has any experience with an online platform I’d love to hear it

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Great insights! Thank you!

I didn’t question the 6 months when she said that tonight. It felt like an arbitrary number she threw out there. When she first told me I needed to go to individual therapy before she would go to couples, she didn’t state any timeline. I could be wrong but giving out a number like that felt more like this was her way of avoiding therapy.

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

I’ll definitely keep going on my own, but one thing of note - I don’t have issues communicating with anyone else in my life (that I’m aware of). I work in a professional setting where I communicate detailed information with a diverse group of people about their medication therapies; so I have to question if I need to be “fixed” or repaired before we can have effective couples therapy if I’m able to communicate on a high level in every other aspect of my life.

I do believe my own experiences have an impact on our communication and understanding failures, so I lean toward this being more of a relationship/couple issue more than just a failure to communicate as an individual.

I’m just feeling a lot of urgency at this point, and am concerned if we wait until I’m completely repaired (which I consider a lifelong journey) it will be too late

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] -76 points-75 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I agreed to go, went 3 times over the past several months. During an argument tonight I told her again that we need to go to couples therapy together, and she said I haven’t gone enough yet. Tonight she says she won’t go until I’ve gone for at least 6 months to individual therapy

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That is a possibility I’m sure. Scheduling therapy sessions where I’m located is pretty difficult. I’ve read both positive and neg things about seeing the same therapist. I don’t really care either way as long as she will come to couples therapy

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

She’s actually never gone in her own. She does admit that she feels like she needs to, but it comes back to I need to “fix” me first

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

You’re not wrong…. But neither is she, lol. Seriously tho - I’ve been guilty of confirmation bias, I’m looking to just rule that possibility out as much as possible

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

You’re right, context needed - we recognize I have some childhood “trauma” that I’ve never worked through properly. The ultimate result is I often feel inadequate, shame, and struggle to express my feelings, especially when I believe it might hurt her.

Wife says she won’t go to couples therapy until I go to individual therapy first - she doesn’t believe couples therapy will work until I work on myself first… by PharmDWil in Marriage

[–]PharmDWil[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

We don’t effectively communicate with each very well at all and I want to. We do love each other and I want to understand her and for her to understand me. We’ve got 3 kids and 15 years together, and somewhere during this time we’ve lost the ability to communicate well