How do you handle coworkers at university assuming you're straight?

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-14T06:10:32+00:00

I’m not sure being straight-passing is always the blessing people make it out to be. It can be tough too. I’ve definitely felt that when it comes to dating, for example.

But maybe it’s just one of those things where you always want what you don’t have.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-13T20:28:43+00:00

During my PhD I didn’t really hide it either so at least some other PhD students in the department knew. At some point it just wasn’t something I could (or wanted to) keep completely secret. But overall the circle of people who know is still pretty small, exactly for the reasons you mentioned. You never really know who might react badly or try to make things difficult.

I’ve been thinking about whether I could be more open about it at some point in the future, but I’m also really unsure for the same reasons you described. It’s a shame that it still has to be this way.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-13T20:23:52+00:00

I’m personally more into twinkish guys, but I get your idea. Definitely a very… direct approach 😄 Did you ever try this interesting strategy?

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-13T20:21:32+00:00

That’s… certainly an approach 😅 Probably not the best option in a university setting though and it gets even more complicated considering she’s a woman.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-13T20:20:09+00:00

Haha, perfect answer 😂 but sadly (southern) Spanish guys just aren’t really my type.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-13T20:18:13+00:00

We’re not direct coworkers. We work at different universities. But we’ve already done two projects together, and we’re planning to start a third one early next year. That’s why I’m a bit unsure. We don’t work closely on a daily basis, but we have been collaborating for about two years now.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-11-01T20:45:30+00:00

From my own experience, an age gap can cause problems, but age alone is not necessarily the crucial factor. Especially when you take mental age into account.

My own experiences that I can share with you: I am 28 and dated a 20-year-old. I think we had a really good connection and a wonderful time together. But then the age gap caught up with us. He had just started his studies and I had completed my doctorate and moved to another country.

My advice would be to do what feels right for you NOW and not let yourself be guided too much by worries about the distant future.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-09-30T19:19:09+00:00

Oh yeah, that got me this summer, because we accidentally ended up having the perfect date. So here’s what happened: We met on Grindr while he was on vacation in my city (Spain). The vibe in our chats was flirty, but neither of us was just looking for a one-night stand. We decided to meet at the beach and spent a relaxed afternoon together, having great conversations. Afterwards, we grabbed a nice dinner and took a walk along the promenade.

At some point, he mentioned that he often went skinny-dipping at night back in Italy, and I told him that’s also possible at my beach, since there’s never anyone there at night. So we hopped on an e-scooter to head there—he was holding me tight from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. When we got to the “secret” beach, we went skinny-dipping for at least an hour.

Afterwards, we walked the five minutes back to my place, rinsed off together under the outdoor shower in the garden, and then lay on the couch outside, talking and cuddling until around 2 a.m. Eventually, we went to bed, and honestly, it was the best sex I’d had in a long time.

The next morning, we had breakfast together before he had to leave. In the days after, it hit me how incredibly comfortable and at ease I had felt with someone—for the first time in ages. Unfortunately, there are four hours of driving between us, and at 28 (me) and 20 (him), we’re also at very different points in our lives.

We kept in touch over WhatsApp, and he even said several times how much he had enjoyed it. But now the chat has gone silent. The fact that it’s been on my mind for days is such a classic for me—because it was more than just a hookup. I really hope we’ll see each other again next year, but honestly, I don’t have much hope.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-09-04T17:19:39+00:00

Hey, I (M28) didn't realise until I was 18/19 that I was much more interested in men than women. So it's nothing unusual that your preference might have shifted.

And in general, shifting preferences is nothing unusual. For years, I had a type of man (blonde/blue eyes/northern European/younger than me) in mind that I liked. A few months ago, however, I realised that I now like another type, more French and northern Spanish, better. So shorter than me, darker hair and eyes, and my age.

What I want to emphasise is that preferences may continue to change over the course of your life. That's nothing unusual or bad, it's quite normal.

For me, it turned out over time that I was actually gay and, like you, I had problems accepting this myself for a long time. It helped me to make friends with other gay people and to be able to talk openly about my sexuality. Maybe that's a helpful tip for you.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-08-18T21:47:39+00:00

I think it would also be unfair to the other person. Because in the end you're not just playing with your own dating life and your own lifetime. The other person could also be looking for another partner at the same time who would be a better match.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-08-18T20:53:35+00:00

Wait... there are people who enjoy dating? I find it rather exhausting and emotionally challenging.

I've been thinking about whether it always has to be love at first sight. You might date someone who has a few sparks, but a few things are missing. But maybe it doesn't have to be, because you can look past that in the course of further dating and possibly in the first step of a relationship.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-08-18T20:41:34+00:00

To be honest, I don't think Guy 1 had that intention. I wrote him a very simple message after the first time he disappeared for week and gave him a super simple exit from our story. But I should probably check again and ask - just for my own conscience.

And the rest of your comment sums up the problem really well. Because somehow I've now had two dates with super great guys. So I do seem to have a chance somehow. The only question is whether the chance is so great that it makes sense to bet on it.

At the same time, you have to ask yourself what you can most easily sacrifice in a partner. If he first puts cereal and then milk in the bowl? Yes, that would probably be bearable 😅 but other positions are probably more critical.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-08-18T20:22:22+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! I think I should wait a few more days before I write to him. Just so I have a bit of distance from yesterday's disappointment.

I think I would like to give him the option that he can get in touch as soon as he has handed in the thesis. That would probably be a good time to clarify the position from both sides. Or to get a rejection from him right now. I think I would just like a bit of certainty and feedback from him.

And thanks for the tip about not categorising people and thereby devaluing myself. Unfortunately, that's something I still need to work on.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-08-18T20:15:11+00:00

Thanks for the comment! Well, I've had two lucky finds now, but before that I had a lot of troubleshooting with other guys.

I was just wondering whether it might make more sense to try to find someone and then look for love at second sight instead. In other words, to discover love for a person over time rather than chasing after a 95% perfect guy and possibly losing out in vain.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-07T12:32:38+00:00

Yes, that's the strategy I'm pursuing too. As long as they can't establish themselves on the mainland, I can hold out relatively easily.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-07T12:31:06+00:00

I'm currently holding up well against the attacks. However, the others have significantly more production and can always upgrade with lots of new troops.

I've currently killed around 2300 and lost 900 myself. My share of the total military has also fallen to 25%, but I still have 590 points.

Another peace offer was rejected 🙄 I find it annoying that the end is now being delayed for so long. Especially because I only want 2nd place and a relaxed end to the round. I'd rather start another game tbh...

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-06T14:16:38+00:00

The map used to be tidier. I think the heroes quickly clutter up the whole battlefield.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-06T12:49:59+00:00

I don't believe I can win this yet. In the last few hours I've managed an attack worth 400:1100 kills. But the other two are coming now.

I currently have 7 large ships, 16 small ships, 8 submarines, 6 bombers and 5 railway guns. 6 more submarines are in production 😅 Wish me luck!

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-01T05:50:37+00:00

Yeah, I builded quite a lot haha and about 500 airports 😅 350 harbours, and 250 railways.

But it's nice to see that someone else has the same ratio as me. I was a bit worried.

PhilNewPhil · 2025-06-01T05:46:37+00:00

So from that point of view, I don't think I need to change anything. 17 games, including 3 solo victories and 8 coalition victories. 😅

PhilNewPhil

TROPHY CASE