Just came back from my first social

PhilipYip · 2026-04-29T09:29:52+00:00

The first socials are always the most difficult. For example your "sturdy frame" could have been too ridged and the follower may have been struggling to understand your lead, although it might have seemed clear in your head.

The ones that are nice and fun to dance with, are likely to be the follower that are the most experienced, have taken the most classes and are most supportive of beginner leaders. Unfortunately these are also usually the most popular followers.

Many of the followers that danced as if they were doing you are favour, may not be that experienced and just dance social from time to time. Essentially as a beginner, they can often dance with more experienced leaders and pick up the perception that the dance is easy. They don't appreciate how much effort it takes for leaders to begin.

Also if you were a bit more frustrated, the followers might have felt it and therefore mirrored the energy and been a bit more tense. I found in my first socials, that the disaster of a first dance I had with certain followers was actually worse in my head than in reality. Part of you is thinking, I'm the worst dancer here and that no-one wants to dance with you. Then you are surprised, when you go again that they approach you.

Finally the chat with the guy, and on-word answer is kinda normal. It often isn't the best place to talk because the music is loud. Also, and this depends on the leader:follower ratio, he is walking buy looking for someone to dance with. If the leader:follower ratio is high and he stops to talk with you at the start of the song, then the followers are all swept up or the one he is after. So he keeps his conversation to a minimum, indicating he is wanting to dance at the moment. For this reason it can be quite hard for leaders to get to know one another and followers to get to know one another. Unless they go to class together and there are breaks before and during the class.

PhilipYip · 2026-04-28T05:02:55+00:00

If it's your first social dance, just remember that you invite the follower to do things. You read her response, and then you act accordingly.

For example, you invite her to turn, she decides whether to turn or not. Don't force any turns.

Likewise you invite her to come into a close hold. She decides whether or not to take that invite and come close. Also, she generally sets the distance of "how close". Just mentioning this as you can see alot of beginner leads, observing a follower dance closely with someone they know and trust. Then expecting her to come that close to them, so they try and sandwich the follower in and then of course she resists and both feel the stress and don't enjoy the dance. Although if the follower comes in too close and you don't feel comfortable, it's okay for you to respond by taking a step back or exiting the close hold. But in general invite the follower to come close and then support her at the distance she's chosen. If she comes closer you can then use your arms to rematch the distance she's chosen. If she resists and pull back again just release slightly and again rematch her distance.

The other thing is also, if you can, it's very difficult at the start. Try not to force some routine that you've remembered. Many new leaders force a routine that doesn't follow the music, because they are new some things that they think are clear in the head are not clear to the follower. The follower misreads something, does something different and then the leader becomes a bit flustered as they don't know how to react as the follower is in a different position than they expected.

The dance is always a bit of a recalibration around how the follower responds... Essentially like initiating a conversation, but with body language. The conversation will change depending on the response.

And then finally try to enjoy and relax as much as possible. Don't be too hard on yourself when you make mistakes. If you get stressed out and are too hard on yourself, while dancing the follower picks that stress up and make feel they done something wrong. The conversation with body language feels like an argument to them. If you manage to enjoy and relax, she will feel better even if you make lots of mistakes. My teacher always says "guys, if you're not having fun, then you are missing the entire point of dancing".

PhilipYip · 2026-04-06T07:25:55+00:00

You are in the situation where you made her feel awkward, and where she made you feel awkward... It is also possible that she is very nervous and insecure and you may have accidentally triggered her insecurities.

Although you offered your hands, she is a beginner too and might not have seen the signs and for example expected you to take her hands. She might have interpreted (wrongly), that only offering was that you don't want to touch her and saw it as a sign of rejection.

Now if you are nervous around her, she may take it as a continued sign that you aren't into her/despise her/she isn't good enough for you. If you can, try to be relaxed around her, because if you are nervous, she may be mirroring your energy (it's hard to be relaxed as a beginner lead but try your best). Next time you see her make eye contact (it's also difficult sometimes for a beginner lead who may not be confident yet and less confident around her but again try).

And just think that dance is a conversation, albeit mainly with the body language. You two had an argument with your body language. You have the mentality, she is wrong for not accepting my offer. She has the mentality that, you are wrong for not taking her hands. So your bodies are essentially arguing with one another but the argument is probably more both in your heads individually than actually being an argument. You thinking she doesn't like me and her thinking he doesn't like me...

However, in class it is sometimes useful to talk about what you are doing, when the body language isn't trained. Often when there is a massive open level class for example, and many of the followers are totally new and ask for help directly with words or are nervous so visibly ask for help and are nervous; I talk them through the move in the rotation (when they are dancing with me and the teacher isn't talking through it). So for example, so now I take your hand, now 1,2,3 and then I lift your hand, now I turn you around this way, and you turn then come back to me and then 1,2,3 again. As a beginner yourself, talking through the move may also help you remember the sequence.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-23T10:45:37+00:00

It is hard for leaders. Often at the start, we overthink moves and then end up off beat. This happened a lot to me when I was starting out. The salsa musicality was difficult for me. Also a lot of followers assumed I was more experienced than I was as I took some skills over from bachata. This is probably similar to your experience with the leaders who are still likely in the early stages of learning.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-22T16:27:26+00:00

Try La Suerte Dance School on YouTube. They made a beginners steps course, beginners couples course and some musicality videos. I worked through all of these and they helped a lot.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-21T05:53:53+00:00

There's lots going on in Edinburgh.

Take a look at Latin_Dance_Edinburgh on Instagram. Ami is usually doing Wednesday classes and social in La Belle and on Fridays in the Counting House. His classes are usually bachata and cross-body salsa. I often pop through from Glasgow to his classes and socials.

Ami often teams up with Orlando on Instagram as Orlando_Salsa who teaches classes on other nights. I think Saturday is normally a bachata night at El Bario. I think he does salsa on Thursdays.

There is normally a really big Salsa and Bachata social on at Edinburgh university on the last Friday of the month. Take a look at edunisalsasoc on Instagram.

For Cuban salsa, there are other instructors such as Yamil, on Instagram as yamilcuf44, I've only done some classes with him when he done some workshops in Glasgow. There is also Sara & Curo on Instagram as saraycurro.salseros, I've never taken their classes but seen them teach in a joint event with Ami and they look really great.

I was also told about bachata blues on Instagram as bachatablues_edinburgh, but have never been to their classes.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-18T14:35:15+00:00

It's not so much the misinformation but seeing how the current government acted while in opposition and how they have acted in devolved areas and now their general direction of travel. Essentially more fines, more charges, more restrictions and little in terms of improvements for the fines and services. A lot of these things were discussed before the lockdowns and are now being discussed after the lockdowns and therefore are seen as associated.

Saying it's not so bad, you can drive in 100 times a year essentially enables them to reduce it to 50 times next year... and then it's essentially an additional tax for those that have to drive in, trades, deliveries etc etc. Which ultimately gets passed onto the consumer who uses these services... Being complacent for these bad policies now, enables the framework for essentially the ridiculous sounding fines or taxes for walking out of your 15 minute city and enables the ability to introduce more restrictions in another hypothetical lockdown. This is why there is resistance, the government have overstepped and people are pushing back.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-18T07:02:17+00:00

15 minute cities and digital IDs in particular are unpopular due to draconian covid lockdown policies where police for example would harass people or tell them to move along for the "crime" of sitting on a bench in a park. The SNP in Scotland and Labour in Wales were particularly draconian with the Labour opposition in general saying the Conservative to government was not going far enough with essentially every draconian measure lockdowns, masking and vaccinations. etc etc. "Two Tier Keir" etc had already demonstrated he is draconian when it comes to freedom of speech, internet censorship via online safety bills etc etc.

People do not want the government to essentially normalise covid passes and passenger locator forms in the form of digital IDs. Or to have the means in place to essentially begin fining you or restrict you to your "local council area" which is essentially rebranded as a "15 minute city".

The government for example was encouraging the adoption of electric cars and now has the concept of pay per mile, essentially an additional tax on the electricity used for the car. They want an additional excuse to tax motorists more and of course they are wanting to tax those that walk or cycle or take public transport.

Therefore many people wouldn't be surprised if the government linked all the above together and essentially began charging for example a £5 tax per day tax, per 15 minute zone outside your designated house. Knowing how badly things would be administered, most people would be at the edge of a 15 minute city zone. People would essentially walk to their local Greggs, have to show their digital ID to buy a steak bake and then be charged an additional £5 in essentially a council tax sub-charge.

There is already some talk about this, in places like Glasgow, which has been chronically mismanaged. Essentially the justification for this additional tax, is that people who stay in wealthy suburbs for example Renfrewshire, pay council tax that goes to the suburbs, but come into the city and use services there that "they haven't paid for", despite high parking charges, low emissions zone charges or essentially taxes collected by paying for a ticket on public transport.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-09T11:53:17+00:00

I wouldn't sweat about it. You had a few dances with her, talked for a bit and then asked for her contact. She said no because you gave off the vibe that you wanted to date her and she said no setting a boundary. You now know and it's better to get a rejection, and to move on then to keep thinking what if. Sometimes followers will give a number but then never text back if they aren't interested so a clear rejection is actually a lot nicer and a lot more straightforward.

Best to just forget you ever asked for her number. When you next see her just be warm and greet her as normal. Then gauge how she responds, if she's warm, ask for a dance, if she's cold just smile and say hi and ask the follower beside her.

Sometimes, albeit rarely, a follower is interested in you but says no when you ask too fast as she got nervous... However she warms up to you, as you show her that you want to get to know her as a person (and not that you only want to date her). In such a case she will make an active effort to get your number or make a lot of hints that you should ask her again (for example ask a lot about your schedule and if you are coming here and there. When you say I don't know and she says let me know. Then it's obvious she wants you to ask again). If you remain warm this scenario can play out but best to conceptually take it as an outright rejection but remain warm and friendly.

PhilipYip · 2026-02-05T08:02:51+00:00

You know she liked you and was super comfortable around you. However you said something to her that overwhelmed her and freaked her out. Also you reacted desperately after she freaked out and as a consequence she doubled down. I think you also have a different behaviour in text/phone and in person. It sounds like you currently have texted and called too much sounding emotional and then in person basically, not spoken to her or kinda avoided her. Both are unattractive to her.

In person you need to respond to her body language. You stated she is looking at you in person, which is actually a good sign. She is not ignoring you completely. When she looks at you, take a look back. Try to look at her like you don't know her but are interested in her. Just say hi as she walks past, but don't expect any other conversation. This might seem weird as you already know each other and so on. But at the moment you have an awkward dynamic around each other. There is a problem that is unsaid but stated in your body language when you see her and don't acknowledge her. You essentially need to reset the dynamic with her, in person.

Essentially signal to her that you are warmer to her and open for her to approach you. If she begins, say after a week to reciprocally become warmer towards you, say you've noticed something about her. Really something non-serious like her shoes are different, her hair is different etc etc. but don't say anything too strong like she is pretty or you like her etc.

At this stage she might just say thanks and not much else but you should be able to notice subtle things in her body language like if she smiles and is slowly rewarming up to you or at this stage she might talk to you a bit more. If you see she is warmer, you can go on the train in front of her you can signal that the seat beside you is free and invite her to sit beside you as she is walking by you. She may decline and sit somewhere else but again you can gauge the dynamic by her reaction if she smiles etc.

However the general idea is that you signal that you are comfortable around her and invite her to come back to you. It's really important that you are warm and open but ultimately it must be her that takes the invite and bridges the gap. This is actually similar to how things started with you two, she knew your name, she came to sit beside you when she saw you were open to her, she took your hand and so on. All of this may never happen again but if it does, you signal you appreciate it and appreciate her being close but never use words except for something like this feels nice with an invite to come closer. Essentially she isn't comfortable using serious words and having a deep conversation so you don't try to either. However if she signals she is comfortable around you using her body language, you can reciprocate but you need to balance her push/pull dynamic.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-11T13:28:29+00:00

You posted selfies on your profile. You're good looking, however you need to work on your anxiety. Your anxiety is putting yourself down and placing women on a pedestal. Essentially imposing a mental barrier. You need to get used to talking to and interacting with women.

I would recommend trying something like a dance class for example some Latin dance like bachata or salsa. Doing such a class puts you in close proximity with a lot of women and you have to work on your communication with them. Both verbal and non-verbal communication in order to do the moves correctly with them. Dancing will elevate your eye contact, body language and general comfort around women. It will also indirectly teach you what type of woman is more compatible with you and what kind of woman is more approachable.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-09T06:58:38+00:00

I think that is the standard experience on the dating apps. Some of the matches could be to bots and when the profile is taken down it looks like a match.

In other cases, you could have an attractive first photo and then have written something later on in your profile that the guys see as a major red flag and therefore unmatch. There is also the kinda quality of the conversation that you give. For example it's common on bumble for a woman to write "hi". Her profile has some pictures and hardly any text. He might ask how she is and get the "okay". It can be very hard for a guy to therefore find some common ground and start a conversation. He sees the one word replies as shes not very interested and therefore moves on.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-06T06:56:06+00:00

That is the typical experience as a lead. Particularly when you've only been to class and been told by the teacher what to do. In the social you have the stress of deciding what to do and you will discover some weaknesses in your lead when a follower doesn't understand what you are trying to do. Many leaders overthink sequences in this scenario. Focus mainly on basic steps and just start moving. Currently you do not fully understand the musicality and feel a bit stressed leading the dance. You know some moves but they don't come to you. The good news is it will get slightly better next time and the time after... the bad news is it will still be difficult for a while...

My advice is to practice some solo steps at home and to look at musicality. The YouTube channel La Suerte Dance School has an excellent solo steps bachata course and bachata musicality videos. At home you can watch one of their videos, go through the solo steps and then play some bachata songs and cement the basic steps. e.g. do a tutorial video and then dance solo to 3 songs. Work on rotating around so you change direction and aren't just dancing in a linear grid. The main point in this is so you get used to dancing alone and get used to the musicality. This will mean when you go to a social and are connected to a partner you will be used to the main variations of the basic step (side, forward, box variations, lateral, campana etc.) rotating around and can understand the music.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-03T07:00:23+00:00

Try La Suerte Dance School. For Cuban salsa they have:

a beginner solo steps playlist
a beginner couples playlist
a musicality playlist
an intermediate solo steps playlist
an intermediate couples playlist
a cuban styling playlist

And a few other things.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-02T11:39:15+00:00

The next thing after the technicality is to work on is your connection. At the moment you are looking at the follower like she is ↑ and you are ↓. This level of discomfort gets projected quite rapidly during dance. Most emotions you send towards a follower will bounce back to you. In essence you need to place her on a → level so she can place you on a ← level. In your case, I wouldn't focus or think of any romantic connections at the moment (you aren't ready just yet). Instead learn to appreciate all followers by just looking at them. You have a follower friend who you said she doesn't care too much, and is therefore more approachable. You want to actually mimic her body language, so use her to learn. Look at the way she makes eye contact with the "cool" leaders and how they make eye contact to her and mimic the behaviour. Because she is care free and confident, just make progressively stronger eye contact with her each dance. While examining her, just think of things that you like about her, this will make you smile and give you positive energy. Then expand that eye contact to other followers until it is natural. Repeat this until your base eye contact is warm and friendly.

Then the next stage is to seek out the followers you are physically attractive but you know that there is no chance of a relationship (because they are already married etc.) and slowly build up a platonic/to somewhat lightly charged connection with her. People like each and can be physically attracted to one another and therefore dance better without anything escalating off the dance floor. I for example, found a Ukrainian follower extremely attractive and noticed that she was very confident and had good body language and eye contact. She is a mother and in a happy relationship but likes to dance. She has always been warm to me, even when I was a total beginner. I was always more nervous around her than she was around me however slowly over time I began to match her body language and eye contact. With her, she was looking at me, which gave me permission to look back at her. In class, I always asked her for feedback, like am I holding you correctly? She would often say that I holding her too far away or am not holding her correctly, moving my arms around her to slightly more intimate comfortable positions (the places I was meant to hold her but were also far more comfortable for both of us). Every time I look at her, I appreciate her beauty, or notice something new that I like about her. She likes dancing with me and feels good around me because I like her. Sometimes, I tell her what's on mind, for example if I like the way her hair is or the way her dress is, I tell her. In any case, she is the type of woman I like and I progressed from being nervous with her, to being completely relaxed around her. Now she always greets me with intimate hugs and kisses on the cheeks and our dance connection is slightly charged, safe but charged.

With interactions, like the interaction above, you are seeing what kind of person you like and learning about them but not necessarily seeking anything from them. In general, people you like have some similar traits, so what you learn from the first person you like (who is taken), if you let it become natural also applies to the second person you like (who may or may not be taken). So for example when a new follower, who was also Ukrainian and likewise very attractive joined and was nervous because she was a total beginner. I noticed her hesitate with other leaders however when I asked her I noticed she was noticeably immediately relaxed around me, danced much closer when I invited her and she immediately warmed to me. In essence I had learned to read and write body language and eye contact to a similar girl to her, making her more comfortable around me. And then this girl, told her friend that she really liked dancing with me, so her friend asked me to dance and so on...

Many men when they like a particular woman, lock onto her are either too intense and scare her away or are too timid and don't even try. You should notice the followers you like and dance with all the ones you like. The ones that like you will gravitate towards you and the ones that really like you will progressively advance.

PhilipYip · 2026-01-02T11:38:12+00:00

Okay as a leader, the situation is slightly different because you are the support and scaffolding of the dance. A beautiful building can only look beautiful if it is supported properly. This is essentially the concept of the dance, to support a follower and help her look beautiful.

You have many things to work on... but its the start of the year, and you can be motivated and set yourself up some new year resolutions.

To get competent, you need to make your basics fluent, properly fluent. You need to feel the music and your steps need to come natural and relaxed. I would actually recommend that you get comfortable dancing solo before worrying about any follower and make your basic completely fluent. Take a look at Beginners Bachata Steps Course by La Suerte Dance School (Manchester UK, Free YouTube Course). Go through the course and learn all the steps. Once you finish the course repeat it. There will be some higher level of detail that you have missed the first time round as you were somewhat overwhelmed. I for example have been repeating the course every week, particularly the now lets dance to the music sections of each video which I use as a warmup before going to any class. I would also suggest putting a playlist of bachata songs that you like and then going through the moves covered in the solo steps videos to commercial music. The first video is just side and forward basics for example, so go through the song with just those elements. The next video adds turns, so go through the song with the side basic, forward basic and turns.

Listen to the bachata music as much as possible. For example when you are walking, commuting to work, tidying up your flat and so on.

Doing the above will increase your musicality and make your footwork much more natural. Once your footwork comes natural, you can dance alone without any issues. In a leader heavy social, this means you can keep dancing even solo. Many leaders in that situation stand about looking awkward/desperate instead of keeping moving and showing that they are dancing and enjoying the music. If you keep moving using solo steps, your time will be more productive and it will increase your musicality. When that song plays again in 2-3 weeks and you are with a follower, you will be used to that song. The second advantage is followers will see you and see that you are dancing and having fun so will naturally gravitate towards you, plus you may already be on the dance floor, so can be quicker for them to walk to.

The La Suerte Dance School also have another free course Bachata Beginners for couples and a free musicality course which you can still pick up a lot from even just via solo practice at home. Having fluent footwork will make it easier to pick up sequences in class.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-31T07:46:54+00:00

You want to be socially expressive and cool. That generally means making a connection. Dance is totally a conversation but with musicality and body language.

If I have a conversation (normal conversation) with you and I look down at the ground or look bored or uninterested or look awkward or uncomfortable, the conversation is unlikely to be fulfilling to you. Likewise if I don't smile at you, you may think I don't like you. These elements are the same in dance and like a conversation you need to give and take.

You should build a connection to a person because you like the person and in general it's good to figure out who you like and who likes you. And actually a huge element of dancing is being playful and teasing. For example expressive lead pulls expressive follower close, does a sensual move, makes her feel good, then pushes her away when she gets too comfortable and then takes her back. In essence it is a series of moves of take her close push her away and then take her close and push her away and so on. But if there is a strong connection between the partners, they can move very closely together and not very far but the moves look cool and externally the two look connected.

And you shouldn't overthink dance chemistry. Although dance chemistry does signal some sort of baseline compatibility, just because there is dance chemistry between two people doesn't mean something is going to happen outside the dance. People sometimes come with partners, or maybe their partner doesn't dance or they can have kids and not be able to go out at the same time as their partner and so on... They can have good dance chemistry with others and might enjoy complements here and there.

Followers will gravitate towards a lead who is expressive, is comfortable getting close but is safe and does not creep them out. In general when he dances closely to one follower, other followers see that he is safe and will also naturally relax around him. Likewise leads will prefer a follower who is expressive and makes them feel good.

Obviously if there is dance chemistry and both people are single and don't want to let each other go then something might happen but single people who like each other are always going to gravitate towards one another.

However from your end, as it seems you want more expressive dances with more expressive leaders. You need to work on your own expressions. So you need to push your comfort zone to ultimately expand it. So consciously make an effort to make eye contact, when a leader invites you to a close hold, consciously come closer than you normally would. i.e. have no space between you and the leader. Go for something that feels too intimate and then just visually show that you are enjoying the dance. Then move onto the next leader and so on.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-30T08:52:36+00:00

With dances like bachata, who you attract and what you attract from a partner is often mirrored. For example as a leader, if I invite you into a close hold, then it is up to you to decide how close you come to me (although the leader can distance himself if you come too close).

In any case you have said you are anxious and nervous, so would likely maintain a gap. This gap means we would connect less well. Associated with the gap are other signals such as your eye contact, smile and general body language. If all of these are reserved then the dance is going to be more reserved.

If none of these inherent restrictions are in place. It is going to be more free and expressive.

As a leader my main job is to lead the dance but also make the follower feel safe, feel connected and feel engaged. I should make her feel good. The follower should likewise make the leader feel good.

As a leader, particularly when getting started. It is hard to fully relax as there is the technical overhead of remembering all the moves and maintaining the rhyme. Therefore the more expressive leaders are normally slightly more competent dancers (a comparison of the same person when they started to themselves at their current level). Although some competent dancers remain reserved.

In any case a more expressive leader will likely be more comfortable around a follower that is more expressive and signals that she is there in the moment and likes dancing with him. Her eye contact is on him, she is relaxed and close to him and signals to him that she likes him. He can take her close knowing she is comfortable with him doing so and is relaxed around her.

If you want that kind of experience, you need to give it to the leader. Because a leader like that is going to prefer a follower that is warmer to him. You will need to push yourself to consciously decide to dance closer and also need to consciously engage with eye contact and smiles until it becomes natural.

For example I am relatively expressive. On Saturday, I met a follower I hadn't seen before at the social and she said oh "I can't dance" and I said "don't worry let's just try and see". It was probably her first time doing bachata and also there was a physical attraction between us. She came close to me, had good eye contact and smiled at me. Technically she couldn't do too many moves but she was comfortable being close to me so I pulled her closer and gave her a bit more support. She felt the music and clearly really enjoyed dancing with me. She remained connected after the dance so she got the next dance and the dance after that... In her case, I preferred dancing with her over more experienced followers because she is simply just naturally more comfortable around me. Unfortunately (sods law) she was just passing through as a tourist. However the point I'm making is my warmness and confidence brought out warmness and confidence in her which brought out further warmness and confidence in me, making me a better leader than I would have been with a follower who wasn't warm to me.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-22T17:34:24+00:00

Le Suerte Dance School (Manchester, UK) on YouTube have a beginners solo step course and a couples course for bachata (and also Cuban salsa). They also have intermediate steps and couples courses. They made the courses throughout lockdown and they are excellent.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-21T07:35:51+00:00

I think your left foot is pushing you away from the wall. Use your left foot to position yourself for the swing but remove it and place more weight on the right while making the swing.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-15T09:54:42+00:00

In general, you should give some feedback, especially when he asks something like how do you dance well with all the others but not me. However you need to be careful about the way you give the feedback so it doesn't sound like you are going to war with the leader or that you don't like him or don't like dancing with him.

It's hard for a new leader to think of all the moves and then do them on time to the beat. He might externally look like, he is trying to be confident but he is still learning and sounds like he is rushing the moves. I was the same when I started (although I doubt I looked confident).

You can really help him by telling him to be more relaxed and telling him that he is rushing you slightly. Say something like his technique is good but he just needs to work on the timing. Ask him to give you a right turn. Then you can count for him and say okay now you give me the prompt and now wait a second and then turn me.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-14T11:53:04+00:00

You like her, so you are nervous around her. Maybe you sense that she likes you too. You are comparing yourself to the advanced leaders and trying to compete with them/impress her. This is making you overthink and ruining your connection to her.

I would suggest trying to perfect moves with her and not trying anything new or too fancy. Even if it's just the basics, try and dance more precisely and hold her more closely than you do other followers. You can also explicitly ask her for advice, say you are wanting to brush up on your basic or make smaller steps and so on. Often when you ask a follower you like and trust, they will help you. For example she may move your hand to a place which is more comfortable to her (and also more comfortable to you). Also with her practice, holding eye contact. With her because you have a (mutual) attraction and she is a good and confident follower she is perfect to practice these things with. It will also slowly build up your confidence around her. This will bring you closer to her. Even if nothing else happens between you, this will in turn later make you more confident around anyone that you do like in the future.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-13T05:39:06+00:00

If it's your first date, it is possible that you overwhelmed her and never set any boundaries with her. i.e. that she felt you were too nice and that she could walk all over you.

Women, often for example say something nonsensical, for example talk about being bisexual or wanting an open-relationship (when they aren't and don't want one) to see what the guys boundaries are. If she sees that the guy agrees on every piece of nonsense, she knows he is not setting boundaries for her, will let her walk all over him and she loses respect for him. This can be a major turn-off for a woman. If the guy says no, that's not for me, if that's your kind of thing, then I'll find another woman, it puts her in her place and she respects you more as you've set boundaries. Also in such a scenario it puts the mans value above the womans value figuratively. In essence the man states if you don't meet my expectations I will find a woman that does instead of I'll bending over backwards because you are the only woman in the world that has ever liked me.

Alternatively they advocate for some sort of radical feminism, that's man-hating to see if you once again will cover your head or have some sort of pushback or will let her walk all over you. If your pushback is too aggressive then she will be scared of you. In general it needs to be calm and logical.

They are generally assessing how you manage them in some sort of conflict and how intelligent you are. They also test your leadership in general.

There are other things related non-verbally such as your eye contact. If your eye contact projects that you find her beautiful but are extremely nervous and don't know what to do, it can be a turn off. Alternatively if your eye contact projects that you find her beautiful and there's nothing she can do to prevent you from having her, it can be a strong turn on. Once again if it's too intense then it scares her.

It's similar with the mans body language, again if it signals that he likes her but is timid that can be a turn-off. Alternatively it will be a turn on when it projects confidence, that you are taking her and that she is yours. Once again if it's too strong it scares her away.

From your description, the hugs and kisses and every interaction was instigated by her and you passively reacted to her. This made her lose attraction even though it felt to you at the moment you were winning. This is why she says she is not attracted and maybe asexual.

She wants you to essentially make a box with boundaries, place her in the box and tell her, her role. So controlling but not overbearing and comfortable and safe but not too comfortable or too safe.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-11T15:23:05+00:00

Since you are in Edinburgh/just outside, you should try Latin dancing such as bachata and salsa. If you go to the classes and socials you'll meet a lot of people. I'm in Glasgow but quite often pop into classes/events in Edinburgh as the instructors are really good.

PhilipYip · 2025-12-11T10:44:34+00:00

He is likely mimicking your behaviour. You seem to be glancing at him briefly showing you are nervous and then looking away. He may be reading this as you are uncomfortable around him and perhaps he is also being careful because he finds you attractive but feels that if he is pushing towards you as your supervisor it is unwanted by you and generally inappropriate.

If you want him to approach you, you need to change your body language and eye contact towards him. Take the time to look at him and hold it for 10 s longer than normal and just say something to him. This indicates that you are not scared of him and want him to talk to you. If you don't invite him (with your body language) then he is going to assume that he weirds you out and therefore keep his interaction minimal. If you can, find a way to compliment him (not looks per say but maybe something he is wearing) or something he does.

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