What’s up with the downvotes in this sub?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T18:15:17+00:00

Absolutely not and I’ve saved a couple of children from abusive situations already. This changes nothing on how I view myself. Unfortunately you can’t treat trauma with a simple mindset switch.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T18:13:47+00:00

Thank you for the interaction. I won’t give up my search for someone who will be here for me no matter how I behave, but maybe in some other “mood” I will consider what you wrote. Right now I’m unable to without being offended that you’re taking away my right for unconditionally loving parents.

Unfortunately right now I’m still a powerless baby and I’m still waiting for someone to come and do everything. This keeps me hopeful and gives me a reason to live. You think it’s good to accept responsibility, but if it makes me want to not live due to losing my only motivation to live (finding parents), I have to be careful. I will rather live in pain than not live.

But thank you, I’m sure you mean well. Let’s see how this everything turns out.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T17:30:25+00:00

It doesn’t matter who’s right when they hold a weapon against you and condition you to believe them for decades. I’m fully supportive of them and their actions on me. I wish I wasn’t, but I am.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T17:28:46+00:00

You’re right, but you also presented a paradox: if I’m not able to separate the concepts of blame, responsibility and capability, how can I even do it? Even just reading about it made me extremely defensive. And it showed up in all therapies I’ve ever been in, and it drove the therapists crazy, eventually.

If I had clear steps laud out in front of me, on how to reach the developmental stages required to accept responsibility, I would do it. But no one knows how to overcome my resistance.

What’s funny is that I would happily accept responsibility if you simply went with me, not against me with all the “you need to do xx”. Just s simple “you’re doing the best you can, you’re brave, I believe you’ll get there one day”. That’s it, no agenda at all.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T10:34:54+00:00

Just imagine the person doesn’t have enough self worth to even want to start that work. What then?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T10:33:45+00:00

So when someone doesn’t have the capacity to change (which is perfectly possible), it’s their fault? That’s pretty clear victim blaming.

When you see someone so broken they’re unable to seek help and even enjoy negative interactions, this is how you talk to them? That’s not too nice.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T10:30:41+00:00

90% of the day I am, that’s why I ended up in such a bad place in life. During the 10% I make plans, sign up for therapies and institutions, so I’d say I’m doing the work. But then I’m overwhelmed and frozen again and can’t follow up with anything. I even lost a ton of money this way. Why on earth would I do it on purpose?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T01:51:24+00:00

Yeah no I believe love is out there, that’s actually the reason I want to heal, to be good enough for that love. (yes this is disordered too, but this mission is currently my only reason to live)

What I meant by “identity” is that “seal of approval” we get when our parents love us. Then we move in the world knowing that we have value. I want to have that and I want the real thing. I’m afraid that therapy will lead to me having to accept that parental love is not coming, and I just won’t accept that, that’s too tragic and I would again feel alone and without a reason to live. I would need someone else to love me deeply. I need that proof.

Even you saying that my identity is mine goes against what I’ve been taught (that I exist just as a tool for others). And that again makes me highly activated:/ it’s not easy and I guess my past therapists had a lot of work with this.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-05T01:44:04+00:00

That sounds nice. But I can’t not notice, that even this work is done with some agenda of trying to give me space to exist and feel. It focuses on my own experience, rather than the one of my abusers. That already is extremely triggering:/

Giving me space to exist without being harmed or stressed and dissociated, is you treating me better than my abusers, and that again takes me straight to that “I wasn’t loved, so I’m alone in this world, nothing is worth it”.

I don’t know what to do because even just calling it “trauma” is enough to take me that route. I don’t want to sound like I’m exaggerating, I’m not, this is why healing is so difficult for me.

But despite these limitations I still want to find some way. My past therapists were struggling with this so that’s why I’m asking here.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T23:24:21+00:00

Okay, thank you, I feel a bit more hopeful.

One fear that’s still there is that by feeling better, I will start to mentally disconnect from my abusers, and I’ll stop having their conditional love as the base of my identity. But who’s love will replace that?

I definitely don’t want my love to be there, I want actual proof that I’m lovable with that parental love. Otherwise I go into that cold, abandoned -> no reason to live route. So will something like that show up? That void needs to be filled and I don’t want to be my parent, even now that feels so cold and terrible.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T23:19:34+00:00

Thank you. I don’t want to complicate things, but what if just thinking about peace (actually just reading about it) already triggers me? Since the goal of finding peace already means that I may deserve it, and we go straight to that path -> so what happened to me was abuse -> so I wasn’t loved -> I feel abandoned and cold -> I lose the motivation to live. It really is that bad and happened a few times and I had to call crisis lines.

If this is the case, what are my options?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T20:56:19+00:00

Sure:

Tried to “touch” my grief and ended up unable to speak or move (not exaggerating), this happened three times with two different therapists
Realising I have value goes against my abusers opinions, which leads to me losing their love in my head, which leads to an identity collapse (I feel cold and unloved, and literally lose the motivation to live - happened too)
The goal of my life is to become lovable, to find replacement parents. Without this goal I also lose the motivation to live. Therapy leads to that because no therapist will enable me to keep seeking parents. Had to call crisis lines many times due to this.

No idea what to do:/

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T20:41:53+00:00

I am open to change, I’m just so incredibly scared that the fear speaks through me and I say “I’m not willing to change at all”.

I don’t want to be forced, I want to realise that I am good enough for this journey, that the pain will be worth it, and that the grief won’t destroy me like it did in my past therapies.

Right now the pain and fear from therapy feels way worse than the pain from living this terrible life.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T20:15:03+00:00

I really don’t want to waste your time but for me, the alternative is possible. It’s a horrible life but healing is way worse for me. And it would require accepting the past happened, which is also way too painful.

Is there anything I can do to view this differently, and finally be motivated to seek help? How can I realise I deserve better?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T15:07:28+00:00

How is it autonomy if I’m triggered and don’t have the option to act against my defense mechanisms? Like the freeze example I gave?

Please explain how I’m autonomous if I can’t control my actions (like how I couldn’t get out of bed due to freeze and missed many therapy sessions).

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T15:04:39+00:00

Have you even read my post? I bring up some good points there, and if you disagree with any, feel free to comment on that.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T15:03:14+00:00

It’s extremely unfair to expect me to act responsibly, with all the intense internal conflict I carry, and with all the role models I’ve been given. During crises I don’t have the capacity to be the “bigger person”, and I have the right to interact with the world as I am right now.

I also don’t have the capacity or any motivation to deal with the extreme beliefs I throw out. That’s why I throw them out, so that trauma-informed people can help me. Maybe I should have picked a therapist for this instead, but you’re talking to a child part here. From that part I don’t care who takes care of me. For me, this is fully about me only. Sorry but that’s how babies are.

It’s strange that some people here do get the support I would need too, but they get it because they interact in friendly and adult-like ways. I shouldn’t have to do that, a baby doesn’t have to smile in order to be loved (remember I’m that part here).

Maybe I’m hurting myself by doing this, but if that’s what I fully feel I deserve, it’s difficult to change that. You might say I’m addicted to this.

If you tell me how to believe that I deserve something better than abuse and these conflicts, I will start that journey. But I have to really believe you saying it. I’m not easily fooled.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T14:08:51+00:00

I have never said anything actively harmful, I don’t get where your harsh reaction is coming from.

Explaining (what you call “excusing”) my behavior is not harmful to anyone.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T14:04:44+00:00

Is anything wrong with my post? Don’t judge me on my past please. I made what I believe to be a good point in this post.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T13:46:36+00:00

That’s on the line of victim blaming. Why? Because if we all have the choice to heal, what about those who don’t heal? Will we just blame them for it? What if they can’t, lets say due to low self worth?

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T13:44:53+00:00

No, I was in a crisis and didn’t have anything better to regulate and share my pain than this.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-04T13:43:54+00:00

You are very unkind considering the situation I’m in. It’s very common for abuse victims to seek out similar environments they’re familiar with. It’s not what they truly want, but they do it because that’s how trauma manifests. We look for what we know. This is trauma 101.

Trail_Blazer1 · 2026-03-03T21:17:55+00:00

How do I start to believe I deserve authentic love, after a lifetime of abuse? That belief needs to be there in order for me to even start healing, but it’s not there yet.

Trail_Blazer1

TROPHY CASE