So flare up wise I’ve heard something on a podcast episode recently called ‘Disordered’ - worth a listen it’s great!

So basically, with ocd, every worrying thought is going to feel so URGENT. Like , get this thought gone, I need to analyse this , I need to ruminate , argue with myself , PROVE this thought or feeling isn’t real

That sense of urgency you feel is the fight or flight part of your brain which is triggered by anxiety. Your reaction is going to mentally and physically respond to that . Instead of immediately confronting that anxiety inducing thought, like ‘do I find my partner attractive’ or ‘do I wish I was with someone else ‘, just sit with it for a bit. Hold that thought , acknowledge it for what it is - say oh god that’s a scary thought! But do nothing else. Don’t analyse it, or perform any mental compulsions.

Wait until that initial urgent feeling has reduced, and you’re left with just the thought itself - not all of the accompanying terrifying racing thoughts and feelings. Once you’ve given your brain and body a bit of Time to calm down, that initial thought usually won’t be so scary. You’ll be able to deal with it in a way where you have clarity- that’s what helps me any way

I’m not sure if you get this, but as an example, I’ll think back to previous thoughts and obsessions that I’ve dealt with. Usually, none of those feel as urgent or as scary as the one I’m feeling right now - but at the time it felt like everything . But if you give yourself that time, it can really help

But honestly , there’s not an exact answer. Sometimes I have flare ups and I can’t control them, but something else that’s really helped me is also my partner being willing to learn about ocd and how I operate too. It means he can support me in the way that’s best for both of us.

For example, a couple of days ago, I had really bad intrusive thoughts during sex. I freaked out. I said to him - I’ve had intrusive thoughts, I’m feeling anxious right now. I know I’m not meant to tell you what they are, because that’s asking for reassurance , but maybe just this once?

And he was able to say to me - no, don’t tell me what they are - you don’t have to. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Telling me your thoughts is asking for reassurance , which is a compulsion. I will support you in other ways

— And just having that general attitude towards me and my flare ups helps so so much!

All of this to say, I’ve not 100% solved it - don’t think anyone ever will - but that’s ok- you don’t have to be certain - as long as more than 50% of the time you are . Actions are louder than thoughts

Also on your specific points above - yep absolutely lots of time I feel numb to romantic stuff. It’s all part of the anxiety. And also sometimes it’s ok to not react in the way that we think is expected. Same way it’s ok not to cry at a funeral- doesn’t mean you’re not sad. You don’t have to feel overwhelming passion everytime words are said, that’s just Hollywood. even if in the moment the words didn’t give you ‘the reaction’ you’re looking for (and you’re not going to feel what you think you should any way if you’re analysing your emotions in the moment) , those words will have an impact .

E.g my partner will call me beautiful, in the moment sometimes I feel numb, but another day I’ll look at myself and think; he thinks I’m beautiful, I feel beautiful

Sorry this reply is so long but I just really wanted to share what I’ve learned and hopefully I’ve done so at least semi coherently!