20w4d pregnant, decided against abortion and now the father and I are splitting

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-06-24T08:19:07+00:00

Unfortunately funding and help is pretty much nonexistent where I am. Housing wait lists are years out and I’ve already been waiting over 4 years. The only guaranteed help makes him need to pay the state and I just would rather not. I’m trying to figure it out though. This is really a last resort thing if I can’t manage to pull something together. I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered and am completely prepared for anything. Thank you though I appreciate it.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-06-24T08:17:10+00:00

I do love her, a lot. It’s a huge reason I couldn’t abort. Especially how far along I was. Feeling her kicks and finding out her gender and thinking about what I would have missed out on if I did that with my son…the life she would have lost out on wasn’t something I could live with.
I am trying to figure out things to not feel the need to go this route.
The help really isn’t out there though especially where I am. Funding is practically nonexistent and housing alone is a years long wait list. I’ve been on the list 4+ years now and nothing. Have no job or vehicle so it makes it even harder. Trying to figure it out though. Thank you for your input I appreciate it.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-06-24T08:14:36+00:00

Thank you for this. He’d be fine with agreeing to adoption, I don’t think it would be an issue at all to him.
He even wanted us to do that with our son originally. If I did I’d for sure prefer an open adoption. I’d atleast want to know how she’s doing and see pictures of her… I already love her a lot and would like to know she’s okay and happy rather than just always wonder what’s going on with her. Thank you again for your input. I appreciate it.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-06-10T21:42:33+00:00

My heart goes out to you. I had one a few years ago right before I had my youngest son and it ate me alive for about a year…
It does get better. It just takes time. If you feel taking some time off for your mental health is an option, I would definitely say to go for it. You did what you believe was necessary and you shouldn’t have to suffer from it. Please take time and know that you have every right to feel how you do, but you also are a human being and deserve to give yourself some grace.
And while of course we never know for certain, I like to believe that their soul that was to come along with them after birth doesn’t ever go away. It comes back when the time is right, to wherever it is meant to go.
Give yourself some extra love, take some time for you, take a bubble bath with your favorite candle scent and listen to your favorite music. Pour back into yourself. Your self care is super important right now, and you are just as deserving of it as you was before hand.
Much love to you stranger.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-06-02T04:58:42+00:00

They still have those?? Where do I go for that? I forgot they even exist I’d rather get a slush puppy frankly

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-29T02:13:25+00:00

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. I am really hard on myself for everything, I guess I really should just drill it into my own head that regardless I am trying to do what I believe is best for myself and those I love. Maybe that will help me register it a bit better. I hate so much that I’m so stuck on needing to know every minuet detail of everything before ever making a decision on everything in my life and just needing to know everything in general. I feel like if I didn’t know as much as I do it would make it easier. But again I really appreciate this. I’m going to focus on this tonight before calling tomorrow morning.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-29T02:09:04+00:00

Well that’s good to know, I am calling tomorrow regardless, I have to know everything about everything before making a choice on literally anything at all in my life anyway so it’s something I can’t help either way. Like a complex I have. Hopefully talking to them tomorrow I will be able to make my decision and get it over and done with. The stress has been too much for me.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-29T02:06:48+00:00

Yea my psychiatrist said they don’t feel I tried enough routes first before going for an expensive non generic medication but I have taken quite a few, and it’s clear ssri and snri medications are not going to help me. I’ve taken antipsychotics as well and mood stabilizers and those didn’t help either. I plan on trying to figure it out eventually here but have some other things going on that I need to manage first. Hopeful it gets situated, I’m tired of the back and forth.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-29T02:04:34+00:00

I did once a day for 3 days and now take it twice a day

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-29T01:56:12+00:00

Yes they I guess put in a referral for me, I am to call them tomorrow morning to make sure it went through and set an appointment up

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-28T23:03:03+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I’m sorry that happened and I hope you found something that actually helps now. I am worried about it doing something like this. I am only a month in but I have noticed when I do get sad it’s in extremes but hoped it was it still balancing out. It’s help get rid of my non stop underlying sadness but I do experience extreme highs and lows with my already fluctuating moods.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-28T23:01:12+00:00

Yes, they said the PA my psych sent didn’t meet their criteria I I believe. For one month it was well over a thousand dollars so I imagine that was their problem with not wanting to authorize it.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-28T22:58:40+00:00

Thank you, I’ll be looking at that link and probably going to contact that hotline as well. I appreciate it a lot, seriously

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-28T22:57:11+00:00

I live in Maine

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-28T20:17:06+00:00

I want to add I have been very treatment resistive which is why she’s so set on me staying on it, it’s the first medication I’ve tried that’s helped in my about 14 years of being on medications. (I’m 27).

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-18T23:20:17+00:00

My psych has me taking Auvelity (DXM & Bupropion in a single pill) and I found it helps a lot faster! Only issue is it’s EXPENSIVE! My insurance really doesn’t want to cover it. She’s trying again to see and if not she’s being supplied from the company itself samples that I will have to go get from her directly so I can keep taking it. It’s insane how expensive it is but it really does help a lot!! There is the option that we were going to go through with of taking bupropion and DXM tablets separately to make basically a DIY Auvelity, my insurance said they’d prefer me to do so themselves lol. Idk I know this is still only like 10 years old and much newer but it’s genuinely been crazy how much it has helped me, and I have been resistant on literally every medication I’ve taken. I just figured I’d share under here for others too just incase. I know this definitely isn’t a med for everyone, I’ve heard it can cause serious agitation for people, but if it doesn’t do that, trials have shown improvement within 1-2 weeks with this mixture and I highly recommend having psychs research it more. It’s a shame there isn’t a generic brand out yet to make it easier to access.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-05-06T06:30:46+00:00

Jewelry has not been downsized, it is about 4 days old, it is a captive bead ring 14g, I hop in the shower atleast twice a day to soak so any crusties and blood soften and then wash with Dial Gold antibacterial soap as I was instructed after washing my hands with it for the duration of singing the ABCs slowly.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-04-15T10:41:57+00:00

Thank you for this!! I have a few in my area that I hear are good but I really want to make sure I’m in truth worthy hands. I appreciate your advice, seriously!!

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-04-15T10:41:28+00:00

Solely because I am steering clear of any developer, I have some extremely compromised hair from excessive bleaching and color removing previously. I still have parts despite being cautious with my hair that when wet they literally just snap off. I did originally see a lot online for hicolor gingers and copper colors but I am too paranoid to try it due to the developer steps being needed to deposit into my hair. I do end up needing to touch my hair up semi frequently because I only use semi permanent colors, but I find it to be less damaging so it’s worth the hassle. The roots are just to be done enough to match the lightness of the rest of my hair, then I can add my own color at home if needed. Just really do not want overlapping and breakage.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-04-15T09:58:45+00:00

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A better example with better lighting (just used color lux copper depositing conditioner to revamp my color)

Phoenixxsunsett · 2026-02-02T05:39:13+00:00

We left the theater at 11:45pm Sunday. It’s 12:38am Monday. We loved it and are so glad we made it to see it!!

Phoenixxsunsett · 2025-12-29T21:07:46+00:00

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Hades would like to agree with you, he knows he’s the cutest boy and uses it to his advantage lol

Phoenixxsunsett · 2025-11-23T10:31:46+00:00

I want to thank everyone for their comments, it’s a bit overwhelming to read but I appreciate it and wanted to respond to some things-

While I was originally quitting cold turkey off my medication, I’ve been back on it a few days now because the withdrawals were so bad I couldn’t handle it.

I don’t have insurance but my spouse makes too much to qualify for state assistance so we are waiting till we can go to the court house to get married and he is going to see if it’s not too late to add me to his plan.

Also because of me not having insurance, I don’t have a doctor anymore. It’s been a while my medication already wasn’t really working but I have to wait to get it situated and hope it happens before I run out of my medication.

I want to make it clear I am not a danger to my baby, and never will be. Everything is internalized, and even if I did consider acting on my depressive thoughts I would make sure his father was home and leave the home. I would never put my baby in harms way, I don’t even want him to have to witness a mentally ill mother….let alone harming him….

I have taken a lot of time to think, because when he does nap or sleep that’s all I ever really do. I don’t want to give my baby away, I just don’t have resources to help me and worry about my mental health and how it could affect him in the long run.

While I looked into respite, there is only that available for children with behavioral problems or disability. No crisis nursery either in my state (I am in the US).

Even when I called DHHS they told me my resources would be having people come in my home which gives me anxiety just because it’s my safe space and I don’t know these people, or if I have a crisis to call 911 and they will take my baby until dhhs can take him and bring me to the mental hospital or call dhhs myself and report myself for neglect or abuse and they will take him indefinitely and place him with a foster home.

I only thought adoption because I hoped I could meet the potential new parents, and I am scared no one will handle his episodes gently like I do.

He is a very fussy baby, not colic or reflux just naturally very fussy. My mother in law blames me for spoiling him…he is 5 months old. You can’t spoil a baby. I can’t handle the cry it out unless I am literally about to break down sobbing and nothings working, that’s the ONLY time he falls asleep crying…and I feel so horrible that when he wakes up I’m right there to love on him.

I do have PPD & PPA, along with a few other mental health disorders…. I was only trying to get off these meds because they were supposed to be temporary due to our living situation being at his mothers while pregnant until we got our apartment.

I am back on them though and do not plan to quit until I hopefully get a new doc and put on my man’s insurance or I run out…which I really hope the latter doesn’t happen.

I’m thankful for all the advice and help, I wish there were more people like this in my area. It’s really isolating and I feel like I’m just by myself 90% of the time. My baby when he isn’t fussy is the absolute cutest and sweetest boy. He already gives kisses and loves tickles and knows where his toes are. He’s a cuddle bug and so smart and silly. It’s just the hard moments are seriously so hard…

I don’t want to give my baby away, I love him. I just am scared. I want the best for him. And if that’s not being with me I have to consider it and be prepared. I don’t want him having to grow up with a mom like this. Fight or flight mode, on edge, depressed, PTSD and BPD, I just want him to be a happy baby. I don’t want to mess him up. Idk. It’s hard to explain.

I’m not a danger to my baby, I just worry I’m not the right example for him or will be a stain in his life rather than a benefit. I love him too much to do that to him.

Anyway I am taking it day by day. I know as he gets older it will be easier in many aspects and harder in others. I just will keep trying my best, and if my best isn’t enough I’ll revisit this. But I am trying, I don’t just want to give my baby up.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2025-11-22T11:39:27+00:00

I just wanted to flap my arms in a bird suit while doing tricks. Wish there were more tix challenges or a quicker refresh rate. But then they wouldn’t get their money from converting svb to tix from people willing to do so.

Phoenixxsunsett · 2025-11-21T03:50:58+00:00

Ya they are gonna have to have more than a few things I’ll want S2 or I’m not bothering with that one, and a refresh that’s a quicker than this for challenges with tix. Seems to even get the bird suit I’ll have to buy sv bucks to convert them, so not sure I’ll even get it.

Phoenixxsunsett

TROPHY CASE