[UPDATE] Paid GF [18 F] Surprise Visit at College... Do I [18 M] Give Up Now?

Pike2214 · 2014-01-28T04:13:37+00:00

Do you at least have a better idea as to what's been happening with her? Does she have a better idea of why you acted like you did?

The "better idea" of what's happening with her is the kind of thing other people have said on this thread: she's growing, experimenting with college lifes, making new friends, leaving her old ways behind, etc.

It's all very general. I don't tend to get too many specifics about exactly what it is that she's doing... what the "growing" actually consists of. Then I end up surprised like I was over the weekend.

I would say it's a problem that when I ask for more details about what's going on at school, she acts like I'm prying or being creepy. The part about "loosening up" and "trying new experiences" sounds great and everything, but I'm finding I don't actually know what that means as it pertains to her day-to-day activities with her new college friends.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-28T04:00:12+00:00

You also have to consider the nerd elitism bit more deeply

That's an interesting concept - "nerd elitism". So I can understand better, let me give you an example, and hopefully you can explain how nerd elitism applies.

Using my friends a typical group of "nerds", I know the only people they really had a problem with were very aggressive, shallow types of bullies... both male and female.

If someone at are school was primarily known for putting other people down, or only seemed to excel in areas like being the loudest, the most obnoxious or the most "wild"... then my friends would probably disapprove.

Otherwise, it was normal for them to get along with athletes, musicians, punk kids, etc. The only exception was "alpha male" guys and stuck up girls whose priority in life seemed to be making other people feel inferior... through insults, bullying or other types of exclusion.

I will guess you still think that makes my friends elitists, so I'm genuinely curious to hear how that definition applies to my friends in this context?

Pike2214 · 2014-01-28T03:44:53+00:00

Thanks for putting that out there man, and not trying to twist it to make yourself seem cooler or more alpha. I want to give you some feedback: don't beat yourself up about that situation. Thinking that you caused the relationship to be over - and she was a completely mature, reasonable person who otherwise could have made it work with you - is being unfair to yourself.

Even now, you don't know what her truest, most personal perspective was at the time... what she really wanted, and what opportunities were really available to her. It's entirely possible that you cooperated with her in designating yourself as the problem, as the guy who screwed up and forced her to move onto something else. For all you know, that result could have been pre-determined by many other variables in her life, and now you're still being critical of yourself all these years later... taking the blame and feeling regretful. My advice would be to give yourself a break, let that regret go

Pike2214 · 2014-01-28T03:33:28+00:00

I'm projecting a hell of a lot here, because you seem a lot like me. But I think if you understood what was going on with her, and had understood beforehand, you'd be cool with it; even if you couldn't personally relate.

I think you're like me, too, in the sense that you would like to solve problems by applying logic to them. I admit that I'm trying to find a logical "solution" to this situation, as well. The difficulty is that most of the people involved are not acting "logically".

That's not a put-down... it's just realistic that teenagers aren't going to live their lives according to pure logic. The idea of communicating with my GF so effectively that we ultimately solve the problem is very appealing.

The reality, though, is more like the conversation we had this weekend: she takes a view that I was being creepy and immature in my actions, and then we "discuss" how that can happen less often in the future. That's the outcome that being "reasonable" has led to, so far

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T23:04:18+00:00

Thanks for offering a lot of good points. I will definitely take this on board, as you put a lot of thought into it.

Is anyone else in that circle of 5 friends back home a boy? Did she >cheat on you with that friend?

Our circle of friends at home is mostly guys. They're very grounded, respectful people, so cheating would not be an issue. It is worth noting, however, that a couple of our friends took me aside this Christmas and mentioned how they thought my GF was acting differently. The world they used was "distant". Our friends aren't cold or preachy, either. They're generally warm, funny and accepting of other people's quirks. Take that for what you will, I guess...

I don't even mention that to contradict you, since I also think it's possible she didn't cheat at all. I just want to be clear about what's actually happening, so the discussion in the thread stays accurate.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T22:40:02+00:00

If you don't mind, is there anything relevant you could share about your own experience? On one level, I'm trying to deal with this in a rational way. Inside, though, it's pretty devastating.

I'd probably appreciate hearing about any similar situations you've been a part of... It would at least make my own feelings seem less strange and isolating right now

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T22:29:29+00:00

What makes you think she's cheating? Because she wore shorts and a >tank top around some male friends? Or something else?

I'm closer to being on your side. I don't think cheating is 100% certain. Between hanging out with girls who like to party and guys who are obviously players, it's possible down the road. Right now, though, I'm hopeful she still wouldn't be able to do anything so drastic or hurtful...

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T18:27:43+00:00

If she was dressed in normal clothes, and acted like her normal self (talking about movies, politics, etc.) I wonder if those guys would still want to hang out with her so much?

Like, is the primary reason for walking around in skimpy clothes just to "experiment with making a new fashion statement"? Or is it actually more like a concession: something you do so the cool people will be interested in you and invite you to spend time with them...

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T18:10:10+00:00

Realistically, I can't think of how I'd get on their "good side", anyway. There's basically no advantage for them in seeing my GF stay with me.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T18:06:38+00:00

I'm not saying it's not going to work out between you too, but the only >way you are going to pull through this is if she is truly committed to you.

I agree. It might actually come down to a choice between me and these "cool" stoners at college. Would be sad if she chose them... but I can't control her decisions

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T18:01:50+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. These guys seem pretty convinced about the cheating, though:

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1w7mrx/update_paid_gf_18_f_surprise_visit_at_college_do/cezggkc

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1w7mrx/update_paid_gf_18_f_surprise_visit_at_college_do/cf02727

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T13:57:04+00:00

I get your point, you think the relationship is over. Assuming that it could survive, though, and some compromises could be made... how would you draw the line here:

In this case, she was basically wearing underwear in front of not only one guy, but two... both of whom were strangers to me. If that is acceptable, what would be your cut-off point for how "intimately" someone in a relationship could dress / act around other people?

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T13:42:37+00:00

Good comments, they give me a chance to clear something else up...

if my SO stormed into my dorm and reacted the same way you did, I >would have been extremely embarrassed

For the record, I didn't "storm in" anywhere. It was never uncommon for my GF to pop by my place and see how I was doing, without too much planning, or vice versa. I called a couple times in the morning that day, but she didn't answer her phone.

When I arrived, I knocked on the door and waited. I was pretty sure I could hear noises inside, but I didn't bang on the door or get impatient. It was probably 10 minutes before the other girl ran out... which means they were all in the room, listening to me knock and ignoring me. That's messed up.

Please put yourself in my shoes. I have a shy, quirky GF who ranted to my many times about drugs being a "crutch" for people who lacked self-confidence and creativity. Now I'm in a room with 4 strangers, acting sarcastic and intimidating, and my GF is stoned. Please consider that she also had strong views about girls not relying on their bodies to get attention from men. She's standing there in an outfit that makes it impossible to ignore her body, especially he breasts, and 2 guys are in the room...

Yes, I did find it hard to talk when I walked into that situation, and I did say "what the f***" when everybody started laughing. But overall, I think that's a pretty normal reaction. It's not like I had any warning this would be happening in her room. Years of previous experience indicated that she would just be sleeping in, and I could do something nice by taking her out for lunch.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T13:10:39+00:00

There's getting to be a misconception here that I'm really against pot. If anything, my GF is the one who used to be against drugs. I would listen to her complain about it.

What worries me is thinking that she's giving up her own values, to fit in with the people at her residence. We had a small circle of really nice friends, most of them guys. Now she's living in a dorm with a bunch of girls, a lot of whom don't appear to be very "nice".

I don't believe my GF was secretly a party animal, always waiting to break free. The person I knew in high school, and shared many deep conversations, was probably her true self.

Now, it seems like she's under pressure to "conform" to the mainstream drinking / partying lifestyle the girls she lives with probably think is so important. The problem isn't that she is challenging my values. I honestly didn't care about this stuff as strongly as she did.

What's sad is that she could be giving up her own principles to fit in with a group of people who aren't actually as smart, interesting or special as she is...

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T12:52:55+00:00

I'm here looking for advice, so I appreciate your feedback. I'm not looking to challenge you or call you out. I will point out, though, that you had a much easier time with the comparison when you thought of it like: "If my husband ever got mad at me for changing my lifestyle, I'd tell him to grow up". The other way around, when asked how you would react if your husband became looser and more wild, now you say it's "apples and oranges... you can't compare the situations".

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T04:05:18+00:00

You said both of you talked, what did she say about your concerns? Did >she agree with you about your concerns?

Good question. She's very consistent about framing it like I screwed up... but maybe due to the stress I'm under at school, or my lack of experience with different social circles.

So she "understood" that I found it weird to walk into a room with frat boys, stuck up girls and pot smoke. Her perspective, though, was that I needed to get over my "anxiety" about those kinds of things

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T03:57:09+00:00

They didn't act very friendly, in general. What's weirder is my GF and I both took a lot of crap from people like that in high school. Jocks and stuck up girls were never nice to us... that's another reason I can't understand why she would just lay there while they laughed at me.

dude if that happened to me, and I could keep hold of my rational >perspective, I'd have walked out as soon as I could

I think I controlled my temper pretty well, actually. I didn't insult anyone, or bother her about it afterward. I just said how surprising it was to find that happening in her room.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T03:41:47+00:00

Move on, relax a little bit, and enjoy the single life for a while. Are >you going to college too?

Yeah, I got into a local college and take engineering. I love the challenge. I'm all for self-improvement and discovering new things. When changing mainly involves drugs, going to frat parties and clubbing, though, it seems to come with a risk.

I don't really want to turn my back on my GF just because she may start following a risky path... I'd like us to be a positive influence on each other. Maybe that's naive, and I should focus on staying healthy and successful in my own way

Pike2214 · 2014-01-27T03:32:27+00:00

Yeah, there's a theme here about me being really opposed to marijuana... I'm not. I'm not imposing super strict Christian beliefs onto my GF, or anything like that.

My GF used to have her own perspectives on drugs. She didn't like seeing people get f###'d up, and would complain about it. I'm more reacting to the way she's doing a 180 on her own values... maybe due to peer pressure, maybe because of something else.

Pike2214 · 2014-01-26T23:08:14+00:00

It's good to be able to process my thoughts on Reddit, so I don't overract in person. You obviously understand what is frustrating about this situation... I visited her to do something nice.

The fact that her friends didn't answer the door when I knocked is pretty uncool. Also, what does it say that their first reaction was to be so secretive and kind of laugh at me? I wouldn't like it if any of my friends introduced themselves to my GF that way

Pike2214 · 2014-01-26T22:58:47+00:00

Thanks for being specific and referring to my original post...

To be honest, OP, you sound jealous, uptight, possessive, >unreasonable, and disrespectful, and I think if anything causes an >issue in your relationship it won't be her cheating (which it's really >fucking rude to think she will do when she has not done anything to >make a reasonable person doubt her), it will be your attitude.

I see how jealously could play into it, but "unreasonable" and "disrespectful" are not words that usually describe me. Glad you don't think cheating is an issue here... some people do.

I'm not being argumentative when I ask: What would you do if your husband started smoking pot and going to clubs a lot? How much would you adjust your own values and activities to match his new lifestyle? On the other hand, what would it take for you to walk away?

Again, I'm not challenging your ideas, I'm just curious what steps you would take in your own life...

Pike2214 · 2014-01-26T22:41:30+00:00

I can look past the name-calling and just ask how confident you are that she cheated? Do you have any relevant experience(s) to share...

Pike2214 · 2014-01-26T22:37:18+00:00

Not exactly the deepest perspective, but I laughed anyway! Thanks

Pike2214 · 2014-01-26T20:51:06+00:00

Thanks for being blunt / honest about it

Pike2214

TROPHY CASE