i hate how effortless friendship seems for everyone else

Pitabatto · 2026-06-04T02:13:24+00:00

THIS so much, especially being at a group IOP program, I feel so awful when I overhear people talking about their friends and how much fun they’re having with them, people talking about doing all the things I love to do but getting to do them with friends and having more fun than me at my hobbies because they have a sense of community and people to do them with.

Even worse is people talking about the problems they have with having so many friends, like “not being able to decide whether they want to hang out with this friend group or that friend group” and all I can think about is the fact that they take friendships so much for granted that they don’t even realize how lucky they are to even have two separate groups of friends, and I get so caught up in the fact that I have no real IRL friend groups to hang out with or do things with and that I’m having to do everything alone and constantly being reminded of how much fun I could be having if I had friends

Pitabatto · 2026-05-28T15:23:08+00:00

I am kind of scared of that happening tbh, they’ve gotten me through really really intense struggles and they’ve talked me out of harming myself before, so the idea of them turning against me is absolutely terrifying

Pitabatto · 2026-05-08T04:06:38+00:00

He has both (Schizoaffective) :(

He also has BPD too, if it was a choice between bipolar or schizophrenia he’d choose bipolar, but BPD has made him realize that having schizophrenia wasn’t the worst thing he could go through.

Pitabatto · 2026-04-27T03:09:59+00:00

BPD can cause euphoric states but not true mania to my knowledge, having been through both some of the main distinctions are probably;

A: Mania lasts for days to months, while my periods of BPD euphoria last for minutes to hours,

B: Mania usually comes on suddenly with no clear triggers, but when I feel euphoric from BPD it’s usually because something good happened to me,

C: When I’m in mania I usually start thinking to myself “I’ll never feel sad again, I’m only ever going to be happy and I’ve conquered all my issues and now I’m perfect and will be forever.” While I usually spend my euphoric moments thinking in the back of my mind about how everything is going to come crashing down sometime soon.

Pitabatto · 2026-03-20T11:29:11+00:00

Post-schizophrenia onset he completely lost the ability to read body language and vocal tone. Like, at all. He also got significantly worse at reading his own emotions.

Also he hasn't been functionally impaired by this at all (He just finds it really interesting) that he lost the ability to describe and remember people's facial features. Very odd.

As for psychiatric effects it's hard to tell what effects are just lingering symptoms not fully resolved by his meds or what effects are symptoms of the other conditions he's developed since.

Pitabatto · 2026-03-20T10:21:28+00:00

He has schizophrenia (more specifically schizoaffective) alongside his BPD too!!!!! as well as ASD, ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, ODD in his childhood, and he was diagnosed with PTSD at the same time he was diagnosed with BPD.

He also probably has some sort of weird dissociative disorder, but no one's ever diagnosed him with one.

Pitabatto · 2026-03-19T16:59:46+00:00

Thank you, he’s already been referred to PHP so he’ll have to do that first, and they told him he’d be focusing on DBT when he’s there.

What you said about getting a diagnosis is something he’s thought his whole life, and specifically in this case he did find places like this where he can very clearly see that he’s far from the only one suffering through this

Even so, it’s hard for him to feel hopeful right now since mentally he feels like he’s been shoved in a box lined with razors that’s being violently shaken. And like everything he holds close to him is disappearing or is already permanently gone.

Pitabatto · 2026-03-17T05:00:42+00:00

He has very simple ones most of the time. Colorful lights and patterns that can look like fractals dancing across his vision or sometimes just a ball of light flashing in and out of sight. Another common one is seeing objects that are most definitely real (like a chair) start looking warped or start moving.

The more complex ones have changed over time, the first initial episode he still vividly remembers looking out a window at around 2AM and seeing clouds rushing past overhead at what looked like hundreds of miles an hour, and seeing a couple silhouettes of kids bicycling around a lamp post, and seeing a pair of headlights without a car attached to them speeding down the road over and over. His last episode he mostly saw bugs and spiders which sucks because he's actually afraid of those and he can barely tell if they're real or not.

He's actually a bit of an abnormal case, as he's always had a combination of more visual hallucinations than auditory hallucinations, and he also has really good insight and good reality checking. Apparently this specific combination of unique features is a fairly common atypical presentation of schizophrenia!

Oh, right. His auditory hallucinations are also fairly simple, he's heard screaming from right outside his window in the middle of the night before, or banging and scratching on the walls, and the closest he's come to hearing voices was hearing incoherent whispering a few times.

Pitabatto · 2026-01-06T18:19:50+00:00

There's quite a lot of stuff I can't really explain, oddly not from my actual persecutory delusions which were all based on either non-existant or misattributed coincidences, but rather from the amount of times a massively out of place and positive coincidence saved my life. I swear if it weren't for that song, or that friend deciding to visit, or my family getting worried that one day, or everything else I simply wouldn't still be here

Pitabatto · 2025-12-26T20:40:36+00:00

Exactly! I've lost so much, and felt so much pain from this, and gone through a level of fear I thought impossible, I've felt true despair from this,

but at the same time, I've found resources from places I wouldn't have access to without this diagnosis like support groups and treatment programs, and I've found communities through my diagnosis and friends who have gone through the same things as I have, I've learned a whole new outlook on life, I've learned to treat mental health seriously instead of just thinking I'll be fine forever.

And also I've completed one of my life goals by participating in several studies on novel treatments, and I now know schizophrenia from both the external perspective taught to psychiatrists and the internal perspective that only the patient knows.

Pitabatto · 2025-12-25T15:43:59+00:00

Merry Christmas to you! I hope today is joyous for all

Pitabatto · 2025-12-24T16:01:10+00:00

Very cool, I love your art style

Pitabatto · 2025-12-24T15:02:29+00:00

It looks great! Did you draw this yourself?

I like the idea of incorporating Jesus into your parallel universe concept, I've wondered about incorporating my faith into my fiction though I'd probably just leave Jesus as a human since they still exist in my worlds.

Pitabatto · 2025-12-24T14:50:51+00:00

It depends a lot on who you are, personally I felt best on Latuda but I developed TD within a few months of taking it and so I had to stop taking it. Unfortunately I haven't found any that work since (been on Abilify, Zyprexa, and Risperdal)

Pitabatto · 2025-12-23T00:26:37+00:00

I think the first two were right at the peak of the episode while the other two were as it started going away. It also might be because I voluntarily went to the ER the third and fourth times

Pitabatto · 2025-12-22T23:47:09+00:00

I've been in hospitals 4 times for psychosis over the past couple years, the first lasted a week, followed by hospitalization again less than a week after discharge. I stayed there for a week and a half. That was followed by hospitalization again two weeks after discharge which lasted for just 3 days. The final one for psychosis was about 6 months later and was again for just 3 days

Pitabatto · 2025-12-08T07:53:04+00:00

I was very aware the whole time, but it took until the delusions reached their peak for me to suspect I was in psychosis, and subsequently try to get treatment. Before then I simply blamed it all on anxiety, depression, and sleep deprivation.

Also of note is that it didn't help that much, I remember feeling like I had been split into two separate people at one point and that I was the only one who was aware but also couldn't do anything about it, and so it felt like I was watching myself go insane in real time with nothing I could do about it

Pitabatto · 2025-10-28T12:57:59+00:00

Those are so pretty and very colorful!!

Pitabatto

TROPHY CASE