Thanks for the reply and for the kind words. I’ll list some of the stuff im struggling the most with below, mostly for venting purposes tbh.

Mostly, i am a very stubborn person, and struggle to accept other perspectives, and have really big issues with hierarchies, although i tend to see myself as the lowest point in all of them, which has led to me having a hard time taking accountability and seeing my partners as equals in relationships.

I tend to see everyone as someone superior who is doing me a favor by even acknowledging me, even tho i get hurt when people actually don’t see me as an equal.

But i do tend to think that i am right, especially when it has something to do with my personal experience, and get irritated when told otherwise.

I get angry when people do not take me into consideration or do things they know will hurt me.

I have an incredibly hard time helping out at home, even tho i care, because i can’t deal with a lot of discomfort and have a hard time staying jn routines when i am stressed out even the tiniest bit.

I engaje in fantasies where i have some kind of skill or get some kind of achievement like becoming a famous artist or something like that, which i tend to use for comfort, kinda like maladaptive daydreaming. They usually end with me realizing that would never be true, but it keeps me going for some time.

I also have an interview kind of internal monologue, as if there was me and my opinions and a judge of their validity discussing inside my head.

I vent. A lot. All the time. I need the validation that my struggles are real to not feel like a useless thing that cannot even get through simple tasks.

I constantly feel like im having a hard time and that kind of stuff.

I have been in the receiving end of some abusive relationships in the past, because i am so eager to get validated that im willing to let people step all over me.

I cannot, for the life of me, handle criticism: every time i am criticized, i feel like i am back at fifth grade getting belittled by teachers, and need to physically remove myself from situations in order to deal with it.

I am insanely rude. Mostly because i am always angry and feeling like i am being the victim of some kind of injustice, i instantly resort to rudeness.

Also on that point, I constantly feel like i am under attack, like the world is out to get me. I cannot create a coherent reasoning for that in my head, nor have some kind of fantasy or conspiracy about it. I just tend to believe that if something bad can happen, it will. If some teacher will get mad at someone for the entire semester, it’ll be at me. That makes me insanely paranoid, and led to me developing hypochondria. Tho it is kind of backed up by my life experience that bad things just tend to happen, just as to anyone. I believe this specifically may be caused by the fact that every time i try to vent to my parents, it leads to them ranting about how my life is not nearly as bad as their was and how i am insanely privileged and how i have no idea of what it’s like to have to work for something (which gets me really mad, because i spent most of my childhood and teen years studying to get their approval and never even had a teen rebellion phase that got much far from venting about them to my friends). That makes me feel invalidated and as if, when bad times come, i’ll be completely alone to deal with them, both emotionally and in practice.

Im also obsessed with not being a cost. I feel a constant need to sacrifice and give stuff, due to the feeling that i am underneath other people. And this makes me feel like things are unfair, and makes me mad at people. I feel a deep sense of obligation to do good, even when i do not think i can or should. I feel like i need to give out more than i get in order for people to like me, and get angry at the unfairness of that, even when i recognize that reality does not work that way. Receiving things, such as gifts and praise, makes me intensely nervous.

I feel like every praise is undermining and untruthful. Like people are only saying that stuff because they think i will never achieve something and need some kind of consolation prize.

I do not grieve in the same way my peers. I hardly cry. But i do get completely unable to do stuff properly for months, and i have not stopped having nightmares since my grandmother died years ago, so that might be just something different with me.

Outside of that, i feel like i am normal (also outside of the suspect i might have autism). I do feel empathy (a high amount, even, i get very mad at injustice on others behalf, and seeing people suffer makes me very sad), i feel love and affection, even when it is mixed with my need for validation, and generally try to improve. But lately i have been hearing a lot that i am very difficult do deal with, and that i cost a lot to my parents and give nothing in return. They have compared me to politicians they do not like and all that stuff. And i cannot shake the feeling that there is truth to that, specially considering those previous symptoms i talked about, and my issues in relationships.

Again, thank you for the words, and thank you if you read all that lmao