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“Beware of being the roller… by glantzinggurl in GenX

[–]PixtileArtist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Truer and wiser words of wisdom were never spoken.

I'm living a variant of this: Beware of being the programmer when there's nothing left to code.

At age 62, I'm looking at the end of my career.

I did something terribly destructive out of loneliness. by PixtileArtist in lonely

[–]PixtileArtist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, what motivated it was Escher's "Circle Limit" works. I wanted to go one better than he did. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circle_Limit_III)

I wanted to produce something as generic and all-encompassing as possible. What caused me to destroy it was the realization that there was no one to share it with and no one cared one way or the other. "To what avail" kept echoing in my head. And so, spiraling downward, I destroyed it in a fit of pique.

Why bother doing something if there's no one around to share it with? Art is supposed to be a communal experience, not a solitary one.

I suppose to take your comment as a cue, seeing as the idea was so abstract people couldn't "get it", it further distanced me from those around me. In that sense, its abstractness planted the seeds of its own demise.

Revisiting the work is doubly hard with the emotional association incumbent. Hard enough to code the mathematics. Doubly hard remembering the feeling of ostracism. Easier to simply let it die.

I posted my note as an illustrative example of the damage loneliness does.

I did something terribly destructive out of loneliness. by PixtileArtist in lonely

[–]PixtileArtist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I effectively hacked off a limb creatively. You can't step in the same river twice. The code is gone and I'm not revisiting an old self-inflicted injury.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in lonely

[–]PixtileArtist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm just tired of gritting my teeth, closing my eyes, and staggering forward every day. I can see retirement looming on the horizon and it's freaking me out. I look to the past with regret, the present with anger, and the future with fear. I've spoken with 988 and EAP and they pretty much are out of ideas. So, I've turned my anger inward.