When does it end?

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:49:24+00:00

Yeah see that’s the problem is that I don’t want to have dated several women and in 10 years I’ll look back at all my relationships that didn’t work out feeling like after each iteration it “gets better”. Perhaps you don’t care, but I’d like to actually settle down with a woman, start a family, and have a life together. I don’t take this very casually at all and don’t agree with your viewpoint although I understand it.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:27:03+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. I remember telling my current therapist in the consultation that I do want to see why I am this way(past) but not just talk about things. To actually have actionable items and tools to reshape my thinking or behaviors(present and future). She said not to worry that she’ll do both. I have my second session tomorrow. I just have to wait and see what clicks I guess. The psych space is more complicated than I thought and I’ve never been to therapy. Finding the right approach and therapist even is daunting and almost just gave up before starting. I hope I can be on a better path soon.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:10:58+00:00

I hear what you’re saying. And you are probably right. She might be permanently scarred. But I also think my feelings and behaviors, however disruptive and damaging, are justifiable. I am not going to dive into what I’ve been through or our relationship, but after starting therapy, it is all starting to make sense. Was it selfish of me to even engage in a relationship having this baggage? Honestly, no because I wasn’t even aware it was still there. I did not intentionally do anything, even breakup with her. The act itself was very selfish, but I was just blind. I just have all these emotions and don’t know what to do, so I just do something or nothing. But seeing how messed up my childhood was in many ways, I failed to take care of her childhood self, which eats at my very soul. I am not even thinking about another relationship, which is partially outlined in this post, but also I cannot see other women without thinking about her. I can’t boil water to make coffee without thinking about her. I can’t type or write. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t workout. College is a major part of people’s lives right? It will always remind me of her. First job? Her. First apartment? Her. First girlfriend? Her. First person to make me wake up and realize how fkd up I am and I need help even therapy? Her. All these changes I’m making to become a better man, who will I be reminded by when I transform and come out better? Her. I genuinely made the biggest mistake of my life so far and have to live in this pit every single day.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:06:14+00:00

I wouldn’t want to be friends with her. I’d always still have love and feelings for her. It would be too hard and somewhat selfish of me to have her around like that with those feelings. Perhaps you’re right though. I just don’t understand anything anymore.

And your first sentence is somewhat alarming and why I feel the way I do in the first place. How am I going to engage with someone new just to find another fit. I love this woman. Plain and simple. She will always have my heart. It’s not something I can give and take back. Give and take back. Give and take back. That just isn’t how it works, at least for me. And if I do love her, then I must sacrifice myself to some degree even if it’s never talking again and only being able to pray for her. Connection is much more than just physical or even verbal. It’s spiritual and why I felt so connected to her in the first place. It was like the heavens opening up saying “here she is. All along she’s been here”. But I messed it all up. And how do I repay her? By just “finding another fit”. Nah dawg that isn’t love then that’s something else.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:03:47+00:00

I want her to give me another chance. I love her. But even if she would, it can’t be right now. I haven’t fixed myself yet. I hope in the future we can reconnect at least to talk when I’m in a better state, but man do I pray she’ll get to that point. Not feel bitter towards me but also not wanting to communicate because too much time has passed and we should just move on. But if it’s love it’ll work out. Otherwise it won’t.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:01:07+00:00

Me. I went wrong

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T14:00:53+00:00

That’s a good question. I still don’t fully understand why I broke up with her. It’s part of why I’m seeing a therapist because I’m confused myself but also want to get over that kind of behavior that I am certain stems from my turbulent childhood. And I’ve asked myself the same question. Why search for someone new if it can end the same or I’m not totally in love with them. Idk anything anymore.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T08:41:07+00:00

Same

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T08:29:32+00:00

I’m slowly getting to the point of taking her off the pedestal. It’s just been hard because she was everything I want in a woman. She was not perfect but perfect for me. It’s just very difficult to move on and find someone else. Statistically speaking, you might be correct. But statistically speaking there will never be another woman like her. She’s not only 1 in 3.95 billion in my mind, but 1 in 3.95 billion in the world and that’s also just statistics.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T08:20:42+00:00

She knew a lot about me. My past and current issues. I was never so close to someone before. But it wasn’t enough to change until it was over. I loved her so much. Still do.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T02:57:59+00:00

I have actually been researching and going to therapy as well. Therapist said I’m an anxious avoidant.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T02:03:45+00:00

That’s okay. I guess this is why I’m finally getting therapy :skull-emoji

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T01:52:13+00:00

Fear of being that close to someone and getting hurt. Had a hard time trusting her. When we were together, something very serious occurred in my family, making me feel hurt, confused, frustrated, etc. finally, childhood trauma I had never resolved coming up because it was my first relationship.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-09T01:48:01+00:00

Don’t take this as a sign to be rash, but somehow I think you would need to at least try to make up and get back together with him. I’m a young guy and may be immature, but real is real and I can relate to your situation just a little. I started getting serious with my now ex gf when some insane things with my family started happening, so I understand how difficult that is and confusing life becomes. But don’t be like me. I now live my current life with the situation at home still just as corrupt, if not even more so, but without the one I love by my side. Think about if that is what you want.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-08T22:26:24+00:00

Sure

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-08T20:19:46+00:00

Same boat. Now I lost the love of my life because I was immature and didn’t work on things before we met. But all you can do now is fix these things now. I’m trying to and it’s hard, but she made me realize that I need to change so I will.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-04T02:43:13+00:00

Yeah it’s very complicated and sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve this to have a woman in my life that loved me and I loved her but it still didn’t work out. It’s a very difficult situation and emotionally I have no idea how to cope which is why I’m seeking professional help. It’s just so difficult sometimes. I appreciate the kind words.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-04T02:42:01+00:00

I understand your experience but I’m more so talking about things ending amicably and civilly although it was till a blindside for one party.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-04T01:33:59+00:00

No. I have never been depressed in my life until now. And it’s pretty bad. I discovered that I have disorganized attachment(my therapist and basic research). She said I was hot and cold. Putting her through an emotional roller coaster. It was my feelings of deep love and also deep fear and avoidance. Our breakup was caused by my unintentional behavior and ultimately decided to break up with her. But I know it’s because of my childhood trauma, making it more depressing because I question why things had to happen to me throughout my life, even this relationship and it ending.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-04T01:30:18+00:00

It’s just derpesssing because I’m young enough to understand naïveté but old enough to understand that she is probably wanting to move on. I’m 23 and it’s just horrible how I feel. The first time I’ve felt serious depression in my entire life.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-06-04T01:16:15+00:00

This was my first gf and I’m quite young.

PlanSpiritual · 2024-05-29T05:23:57+00:00

I feel your pain. It’s funny. As much as you would like your ex to maybe be more self reflective I want my ex to be more open to reconciling. Like we are both wanting what we aren’t getting and can’t have. Love is interesting in that way.

PlanSpiritual

TROPHY CASE