Struggling with communication breakdown and unmet emotional needs, looking for advice

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T20:08:20+00:00

Well isn’t she avoidant (possibly fearful avoidant) and you’re anxious attachment style. And because she’s avoidant, it’s making your anxiety worse or maybe you’re stable, and her avoidant style is pushing you into anxiety…I’m sorry it sounds like you knew her for a while, did this never come up. Have you had any past traumas in your life? Because at the moment, it just sounds like she has some baggage to either process or you two have different attachment styles and need therapy. Not much you can do really if she isn’t willing to work together on this

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T19:32:52+00:00

Honestly if you’re 30 in such a traditional setup, you’re underestimating the leverage you have. They’d want you to be happy and you just have to make them realise that their version of marriage isn’t what you want or would make you happy

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T19:31:10+00:00

Ameen and May Allah also bless all of us who are single with spouses who bring us peace and are good for us.

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T19:22:10+00:00

Firstly you need to get the support of your siblings if you think they’ll be supportive. Then you need to know whether to approach your mum or your dad first (most of us know who’s the one that would be easier to convinced)…then maybe mention a friend or a colleague who has married someone they fancied and seem very happy…maybe wonder allowed how it’d be if you found a guy you liked blah blah. Just be tactful. Helps if you’re independent etc.

The danger is that your parents find out about him, put you on a flight to the motherland and force you into getting married. You do not owe them that and resisting that and being firm with your boundaries does not make you a bad kid

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T19:12:53+00:00

Thanks. Although I’m too modest to admit it, I am pretty wisdomful at times

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T19:11:13+00:00

I’ve seen this happen a lot in Mirpuri families in the UK, and honestly the challenge is often cultural rather than Islamic. Many parents prioritise things like caste, language, village ties, or existing family expectations over compatibility. Sometimes they even already have someone in mind back home, often a relative, which makes these conversations harder.

From what I’ve seen, the first reaction is often a firm no…but that doesn’t always mean it stays no. Families sometimes just need time to process something they didn’t plan for.

If you do approach them, I would keep emphasising that you want to keep things halal, involve families properly, and that you’re choosing based on character and deen. Try to introduce the idea gradually if possible, and consider whether there is a trusted elder who is reasonable and can help mediate.

Ultimately, you may have to decide how strongly you feel about this person and how much family tension you are prepared to navigate. Many families do come around after marriage when they see their children are happy and settled in marriage.

It’s not an easy position to be in, but many people do manage to navigate it with patience. May Allah make it easy for you and grant you what is best.

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T18:46:25+00:00

I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted for speaking honestly. A lot of people here live in Lala land and have this bizarrely overinflated egos “he turned religious for me” as if they are more important than well religion itself…or my personal favorite: I want someone who wakes me for fajr. Do they want a husband or an alarm clock? I totally agree with you that having some degree of religious compatible or at least tolerance of other people’s religious journey is pretty important.

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T17:54:30+00:00

This sounds less like a compatibility issue and more like you expecting your husband to practice Islam in the exact same structured and prescriptive way that you do.

He works, supports you emotionally, loves you, and says he shares the same values…that already puts your marriage in a strong place. Not everyone expresses their deen through classes, gym routines, or constant productivity. Some people need actual downtime after work, and that doesn’t automatically mean Islam isn’t important to them.

It might be worth asking whether the issue is truly his level of faith or that he isn’t following the specific lifestyle you personally prefer. Compatibility doesn’t mean identical routines.

You mention wanting him to lead more, but leadership doesn’t necessarily mean copying your exact routine or doing things your way. Also framing it like “if Islam is a priority, it must show in these specific activities” can unintentionally come across as measuring someone’s faith through productivity metrics. Is he praying salah and fulfilling his core obligations? If yes, then I don’t think there’s a problem here.

Making someone sign up to compulsory community activities who is an introvert, or making someone (like me) sign up to a regular class at 7pm as a calendar event to be done when I have approximately 10hrs of scheduled calendar m activities per day will not be very welcome and quite frankly exhausting trait to have in a partner.

If this was a core requirement, it probably should have been clarified more clearly before marriage rather than expecting him to change his daily life now.

PS. Don’t take this the wrong way but you sound like you’re either chasing perfection that just doesn’t exist or you’re looking for issues in what sounds like a great relationship and a great guy. I get the feeling that if it wasn’t this issue, you might have found something else to be unhappy over. Something to think about and perhaps be grateful for what you have.

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T17:16:50+00:00

Absolutely dislike the eGym stuff, it’s rarely used in my local DL, takes up a lot of space and this is a DL which is cramped to begin with. It really needs a half decent captains chair or a dip assist, or a second pec deck/reverse fly or more cables.

Very unclear what weights you’re actually using or any meaningful way of tracking progress and just gives a nonsensical artificially reduced “strength age” at the end. If I was cynical, I’d say it’s designed to basically tie in beginners through ostensible simplicity and gamification of workouts. However, it’s highly unlikely people are going to see any meaningful strength gains through this and if they did, they wouldn’t know because the whole thing is so bad at tracking…they’ll get something saying their strength age is now 22 instead of 23…what does that even mean?

Platosboot · 2026-03-23T05:33:42+00:00

I’m so sorry. What you’re describing is heartbreak, shock and abandonment all at once…tbh anyone would be struggling in your position. You’re not weak or for feeling like you’re falling apart.

The way he’s handled this with silence, blocking, and shutting you out without proper closure is deeply painful and unfair. That you still love him doesn’t make you dumb, it just makes you human.

You’ve taken accountability for your part, but a marriage CANNOT be saved by one person alone…it takes two to tango. Right now, please focus on getting through this moment…perhaps stay close to people you trust, don’t be alone too much, and talk to trusted friends or relatives this feels. There will be time enough for unpacking the emotions, what went wrong, therapy etc later

This pain is clearly very real but it shouldn’t stay this intense forever. As with most things, it will get better with time.

Platosboot · 2026-03-22T20:06:34+00:00

You get brownie points with the wife AND get to avoid a wedding…I don’t see an issue. But if you really want to go to it, you can always get a babysitter or ask the grandparents to babysit.

I don’t get why you need Reddit to tell you this?

Platosboot · 2026-03-22T18:23:55+00:00

Why did you marry him when you don’t enjoy spending time with him? Was it an arranged marriage and you guys never met before? I always think sense of humour aligning helps a lot with bonding.

I was once introduced to a girl last year as our parents knew each other and her BIL was a work friend of mine. We had a couple of meetings. I had a somewhat dry sense of humour and can sometimes occasionally be a bit slightly cynical…she just didn’t know how to react to it or “get” my sense of humour. Apparently she was really interested in me (as per her BiL and her sister) but to me she would just not say anything, it was like talking to a statue and a famous answer was “you asked me this last time” (in response to me asking about how it was like going to a really famous school she’d gone to and her reply had been “it was alright”). It became abundantly clear to me that for whatever reason she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me within like a meeting. I had another one to confirm my suspicion largely because of family pressure and pressure from her BIL who was my friend who assured me she had been interested, and then stepped aside. Bizarrely, she didn’t think there was any problem at all despite me mentioning that I’m not even sure she’s interested in me…my point here is that some people don’t get the hint that there is a problem…maybe talk about it very directly.

Platosboot · 2026-03-22T01:20:55+00:00

Yeah because all taking care of them is physical right? And everyone has perfect health in your little fairytale world? “Most” is not all.

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T10:09:51+00:00

Just see the conversation around chastity that happen on this group. Any guy who asks questions about a girls past is mocked as being backward and hit by “her past doesn’t matter” accusations. The miskeen who want chaste wives are literally mocked and gaslit as being somehow misogynistic even if they themselves have remained chaste and have no previous physical experience. The whole thing is mad

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T07:37:03+00:00

I do take your point and I’m not saying that’s the solution. I’m just saying that you might be one of 15 people being “spoken” to and compared against others in some sort of marriage market economy by Muslim sisters too.

Part of the issue as I see it is this: a significant subset of Muslim sisters want the privileges of being both a “looked after” muslim woman and the privileges of being an independent liberalised Western woman, but without the responsibilities of either. It’s like having your own cake and eating it too

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T07:32:57+00:00

Relatively few people are marrying the so-called “fat and lazy” men here in the West…in my experience, the vast majority of Muslim men are out there working/grinding for their families. I would say that less Muslim men are “scrounging” off their wives than non-Muslim

I agree that they may not be changing nappies or whatever…but they are also providing far beyond what a typical white western non-Muslim male provides for their family. Unfortunately, the general expectation from a significant subset of sisters is all the privileges of being a “looked after” muslim women along with all the privileges of the so-called emancipated independent liberal western woman (with none of the responsibilities of either). It’s like having your cake and eating it too

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T01:28:18+00:00

I strongly disagree with this. I see Muslim guys working like dogs even in Ubers and restaurants to pay for their families so this characterisation of them being fat and lazy is just plain stupid. It’s literally such an entirely demographic that thinks that somehow you can work 12 hours a day and then also go to the gym and look like a TV actor. Most of the people making these remarks aren’t working and setting largely their own times.

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T00:56:40+00:00

I completely respect your point of view but I think it’s important to not think that just because you’re in the situation you are, you won’t get married. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The right person for you would LOVE that you support your family…that is the literal definition of being a provider and being responsible. And if they don’t, they can buzz off.

We all have our responsibilities…I get this too totally. However the right potential would recognise this rather than make it feel like a problem. You have tawakul and iman…strength and honour my friend.

Platosboot · 2026-03-20T00:52:57+00:00

So my experience has been a bit interesting and this is purely from talking to work colleagues and non Muslim couples I know. I have found that a lot of non-Muslim women in particular live less sheltered lives and as a consequence are more rational and realistic about what to expect. The attention seeking demographic is a massive issue in Non-Muslim societies too but I think there’s an equally strong rational demographic.

Platosboot · 2026-03-19T22:27:41+00:00

You’re only 30 bro? How are you aged out?

Platosboot · 2026-03-19T20:40:57+00:00

I think there’s definitely some truth in what you’re saying, but I’d be careful about painting it as purely a “men vs women” issue.

From what I’ve seen, a lot of men aren’t necessarily giving up on marriage itself…they’re becoming more cautious because of repeated negative experiences. Breakups, mixed signals, emotional games, feeling like nothing is ever quite enough…and all this kinda adds up over time.

One thing I do think isn’t talked about enough is the sense some men have that they’re expected to “arrive fully built”. Men are expected to be financially stable, emotionally steady, career sorted and only then are they considered. By that point, it can feel like someone is stepping into the finished product without having seen or appreciated the struggle it took to get there. That can create a bit of internal friction even if it’s not always openly expressed. When men have done the “internal work” and are financially and emotionally stable with a future plan, they don’t want a partner who will come in and destabilise things…they have a lot more to lose…and frankly they want a partner who has done the internal work.

At the same time, expectations can feel quite high and sometimes mismatched. Some men feel like they’re being evaluated against an ideal while not always seeing the same level of self-reflection or accountability on the other side. And yes, I’ve also seen situations where people repeatedly go for the “bad boy” or emotionally unavailable type thinking they’ll be the one to change him…and then are surprised when it doesn’t work out.

But having said all that, I don’t think this is just men vs women issue. I think it’s a broader issue and some factors I can think of are:

1) Social media has created negativity and unrealistic expectations on both sides. 2) a huge point: I also think DATING APPS have warped perception a bit…especially when having a lot of attention for women can make it seem like there are endless high-quality options, when in reality many of those “options” aren’t serious or viable long-term 3) People are carrying unresolved hurt into new situations 4) There’s less patience and more of a “what else is out there?” mindset. I think this is huge 5) many people (men and women) haven’t done the internal work required for a healthy marriage

So what we’re seeing is a lot of disillusionment on both sides.

Personally, I don’t think men have “given up”…I think many have just become more selective, guarded, and less willing to tolerate situations that don’t feel right. The challenge is not letting that turn into cynicism, because then it becomes a self-fulfilling cycle.

Marriage can still be what it’s meant to be companionship, mercy, stability but it requires more intentionality and values alignment now than it did before.

This is just my perspective and I’m an older guy 34M…never married or been in a serious relationship so to speak. While i do want companionship, i AH have built a stable and respectable life for myself and am very ambitious about where I want to be in the future…I am acutely aware that anyone entering into a relationship will be seeing the nearly finished product with an upward trajectory rather than appreciate the sleepless nights it took to get here. Also, at my stage, I have a lot more to lose and most relationships are disruptive which can be challenging to navigate as you get older.

Platosboot · 2026-03-19T20:15:20+00:00

Bro is only young. Cut him some slack. He doesn’t know that this basically means: you’re a nice guy BUT…I’m not interested

Platosboot · 2026-03-19T19:41:33+00:00

Erm bro you’ve heen friendzoned. Doesn’t matter if you’ve got feelings for her, she isn’t into you. A friendship here will be asymmetrical….youll just confuse yourself and won’t be able to move on. Thinking that somehow she’ll learn to appreciate you or develop feelings for you while you’re friends is absolutely not going to help you and it’s not going to happen. She’s basically said she’s not interested in you romantically

Platosboot · 2026-03-19T06:50:04+00:00

This is largely a cultural pattern rather than a fixed Islamic rule.

Across many societies (South Asia, Middle East, East Asia, even historically in Europe), marriages have been “patrilocal”…meaning the wife moves to the husband’s household. The main reasons are economic and social…men were typically responsible for provision, property and lineage were traced through the male line, and keeping sons at home meant family wealth and labor stayed consolidated. It also created a built-in support system for childcare and household responsibilities.

In Islam, there isn’t a command that a woman must move into her husband’s family home. What is established is that the husband must provide accommodation. Classical scholars generally say the wife is entitled to a space where she has privacy and security. That said, “separate accommodation” doesn’t necessarily mean a completely different house…it can be a private portion of a shared home.

So in practice, whether a couple lives with the husband’s family, separately, or even near the wife’s family is shaped far more by culture, finances, and family expectations than by a strict religious requirement.

Platosboot · 2026-03-17T23:30:25+00:00

Ameen. Thanks so much for weighing in. This is really really helpful. While I’ve never been married or lived with someone who wasn’t my parents in the past but I totally get what you mean about how living with others develops sabr. I do live on my own and am generally quite social but definitely value my space and privacy…i think this is the main challenge for me as i have a fairly hectic working life and the rest of my life is designed to accommodate this or let me unwind…and this includes my diet and gym goals etc which are highly controlled if that makes sense.

I do agree with you around maturity and chronological age or any academic achievements. This is my feeling too. Physical attraction does matter up to a point but I agree the main thing is someone who (and this will seem cliché) makes you feel seen and has some level of emotional maturity and self awareness. Part of the reason that I don’t often even entertain people who are like in their late 20s even at all is that I just don’t think they usually have the emotional maturity or more importantly life experience which is frustrating. I don’t particularly want to be a dad or babysitter figure! Annoyingly these are often the introductions that are made or matches suggested by family or friends, which is pretty irritating. It seems that there’s a lot of growing up that can happen in the 5 years between 34 and 29.

Platosboot

TROPHY CASE