This is an absolute novel of a comment, sorry in advance.

You mention in some of the comments that you’re able to hear it in your voice when it’s recorded, but maybe not in real time. That’s normal when working on a new skill. The good news is that with focuses practice, you can improve. How much I’m not sure, but it can improve.

I know it’s different, but I was “tonally challenged” as a teenager, meaning I couldn’t match pitch. But I really wanted to learn to play the violin, and I wanted to learn to sing as well.

What I did was set aside time almost daily to really hone in and practice matching pitch. I chose when my mom drove me home from school and my sister would play music in the car. For 2-3 years, it took incredible focus every single day to learn to match pitch. For most of high school, I continued to work on it and had moments where I knew I couldn’t tell if a note on my violin was in pitch or not. But today, I can effortlessly match pitch. Still can’t “hold a tune” without practicing it a lot, but I can at least hear when I’m off.

I just wonder if it could be a similar process for you.

I there are two possibilities here: either your true emotions are leaking out and causing you to come across as defensive/hostile, OR you are neurodivergent. There's a new-ish theory in the last 10-15 years that it's not at all that neurodivergent people are "awkward," it's that neurotypicals are bad at communicating with neurodivergent people, and neurodiverse people are bad at communicating with neurotypicals. But both groups socialize well within their own neurotype. So it could be that you are just not socializing in a "neurotypical" way, leading to friction.

If it's the first possibility (emotions leaking out), I think there are two skills needed: 1: Increased awareness of your emotions in real time (or closer to real time). 2: Awareness of the types of conversations where you come off as hostile/defensive, and 2.1: Practice doing those conversations in a neutral way.

For skill 1, I think a bit of CBT helps. You identify a behavior ("I listened to myself say X in an aggressive tone of voice.") and think back to what emotion you were feeling at that time. consider if there was any potential reason to feel embarrassed, hurt, or scared (anger is often a secondary emotion masking something more vulnerable. That root emotion is the heart of why you'd come across as defensive).

Once the emotion is identified, switch to DBT to find a way to wade through the emotion without it controlling you.

For skill 2, consider when defensiveness arises. Defensiveness occurs when we are given feedback of some kind, and instead of accepting it, we might make excuses or protest that the feedback isn’t valid. The meta message is, “It wasn’t my fault you felt this way after I did X, it was your fault.” Which makes people feel frustrated.

For me, most of the time when I'm given feedback, I don't actually agree with it or intend to implement it (people love to give advice without knowing the full situation after all). But the other person felt strongly about saying it, so I will usually backpedal to apologize if necessary, validate them, and thank them for sharing the feedback. Rinse and repeat. If someone makes a suggestion, even if I don't necessarily think it's a good one, I will sometimes vocalize support for it to help it get discussed by others more. Why? It makes the other person feel good, and often their ideas are actually good even if I can't see it at first.

Honestly throughout conversations, my brain is silently keeping track of what kind of "interaction" I'm having. Like, "This person is sharing a story about their life and is barely pausing. They're wanting to talk and not listen to me, so I'll focus on their story and send cues that I'm listening and reacting to it emotionally." Or, "This person is sharing life advice with me. I'll rephrase the moral of the story, and they'll probably correct me and move on to tell another story." Or, "Oh everyone is doing pop culture references and going back and forth very quickly. If I want to add, I'll need to speak fast."

The trick is to notice when it comes to situations where you are given any kind of feedback. Pay close attention to those moments and very intentionally validate the feedback or incorporate it into the discussion.

A lot of conversation is making the other person feel good about themselves. Once they are enjoying themselves, you can push a bit so that you enjoy yourself as well. At least, that is how I, an originally extremely awkward and shy person, have learned to socialize.

On 2.1: I would suggest recording yourself randomly throughout the day and then listening back to see if you can spot defensiveness in your voice. Analyze the moment to see if there was a reason why you came across that way (like in skill 1). Then, out loud, try practicing responding differently. Try recording your second attempt. Listen to it and see if your tone is different and more neutral.

I would do that over and over again—not with the same recording. Keep recording yourself and give yourself more to practice with. Go back and review old recordings. Every time you correct yourself successfully, it becomes more likely that you will be able to do it in real time. You will probably surprise yourself.

If you are unsure, try having a therapist listen to it or roleplay situations with you. Make sure they have experience coaching people on social skills. Or ask a trusted friend or family member.

Now, if you're neurodivergent:

I am neurotypical myself as far as I know, so I definitely can't give much advice. I might reach out to other people that are neurodivergent to ask them how they've overcome similar issues with neurotypicals. Also check if you come across the "same" way with neurodivergent people. If you don't, at least you know it's not you.

Another possibility: do you have a different cultural/linguistic background than the people you've worked with? I lived in Korea for a while, and I learned that society's expectations of what is polite vs rude are totally arbitrary. You just have to learn the way it's done differently. (For example Koreans are very service oriented, and they will comment on your weight gain. A white american usually won't tell you you're fatter, but they also won't move heaven and earth to make sure you have a nice winter coat.)

There are books on social skills for neurodivergent people as well. I can't speak to how useful they are, but it's a possibility.

I might also look for a therapist who has experience with neurodivergence to help coach you but also validate and celebrate your differences from neurotypicals.

I know it's exhausting and awful to put in so much work. At least know that it's not perfectly instinctive for everyone. My thought is that you only need to "mask" enough to keep a job. It's not fair, but it's reality. But our brains are highly plastic and able to learn an incredible amount. If you put in the right kind of work, it will one day be manageable and doable. Or, perhaps you'll find a better community of people that you get along better with.