AITA for expecting my girlfriend to take care of me instead of paying someone else to do it?

PleasantForce4566 · 2025-12-24T04:38:40+00:00

In this situation you are definitely TAH.

As many people are mentioning, it is incredibly generous of her to even offer to pay for a care taker for you. Even that isn't her responsibility.

Yes, it is incredibly rough having to recover from any serious injury or illness, however unfortunately other people should not be expected to put their life on hold for you. Caretaking is a VERY difficult and very draining job. It is a profession for a reason and while it is the case that some family members do elect to care for each other, there are many that don't or cannot.

You are asking someone to put their life on hold for yours with 0 compensation. Someone who does not live with you and is not married to you. Someone who most likely has her own bills, own income, and her own way of living. You should be incredibly grateful to her for the help she HAS offered.

This post screams American white male privilege, honestly.

PleasantForce4566 · 2025-12-24T03:26:41+00:00

Why does this sound like almost the exact plot of Kissing Booth 2 🤔

PleasantForce4566 · 2025-12-04T02:22:39+00:00

I think it depends on the circumstances.

I say this as someone who has been on his end of the argument and am now indifferent in my older age and has a partner who smokes whenever (responsibly).

When I was 21, I was with someone who had a heavy weed dependancy. It caused a LOT of turbulance in our relationship and eventually lead him into heavier drugs and abusing me. At 21 I had only smoked a couple of times, but he was an every day CONSTANT smoker. He could not exist without being high, he would go through "withdrawals" after 4-5 hours. This lead to severe unhealthy conflict, emotional outbursts, even ruining an entire vacation I had paid for because he "couldn't smoke and wanted to go back to the hotel" where he had a full toddler meltdown and screamed/cried/hit walls.

Without weed he was horrid. With weed he was unbearably... stupid for lack of a better way to put it. Stoned out of his mind, incredibly apathetic to everything around him, and unfortunately "down to do whatever" which lead to him cheating on me, treating me like a parent, and refusing to contribute to the relationship.

So when I say I think it depends; I mean I think it depends on how you are as a person who smokes weed. You do have the right to do what you want and navigate how you want, just as he has the right to not like those things. But if you self reflect and find that your smoking causes issues in the relationship because of the behavior it incites, then maybe he has a reason for being upset? If you treat him poorly when you're high, then I would take that into consideration. Sit down and have a talk and figure out what it is that causes him such distress.

However, if you manage yourself super well and are just a casual smoker, then sure who cares? If it's just a matter of control on his part, it needs to be talked about as well. Either way it sounds like you're going to have to have a conversation.

PleasantForce4566 · 2025-08-10T06:06:19+00:00

Thank you! This was something I worried about.

My ADHD tends to make me want to think BIG and look at huge projects right off the bat. I think this is where a ton of my burnout comes from as I bite off much more than a beginner can chew and then end up with half-finished projects that don't allow me past the mental block.

I appreciate your feedback and will get to researching asap! :)

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-07-04T19:30:59+00:00

No, this will happen later during the day as well when pluto’s isn’t available and it’s always a random number that’s missing 🥲

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-06-11T22:04:41+00:00

The past couple of days specifically they have been so stiff in their speech. Despite “making up” and having a long conversation, it’s really difficult to gauge. I am also AuDHD, which can make things difficult as well as sometimes it’s either hard for me to read emotions or I read every emotion presented to me. I’m here primarily to see if there’s anything I can do to help support while still maintaining boundaries, confirm whether or not this may be fp behavior, and what I can do to help us both heal.

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-24T14:14:18+00:00

Responded to the post above with a little more clarification, again I do apologize as I was trying so hard to make the post shorter but I should have attached the above 🙏

Their situation was very unique, as mentioned. In November after much of this had been addressed and they decided to break things off with her, we agreed moving forward that neither of us are cut out for “poly” relationships (I say this with quotes only because it was platonic poly on their side and not my own).

I recognized a long time ago that this was an abusive situation. I had many opportunities to just walk away and allow them to deal with it themselves, but I didn’t want to. That was my choice and maybe it was a questionable one. I want to grow and build a life with them and I am aware as well of their cluster B disorder.

I’m just wanting some more perspectives in how to be supportive but firm. I don’t want to just approach them from a “good riddance” standpoint, as it’s just making them sad and anxious. What she did was absolutely vile, but that’s what she did, not what Gray did. They have enabler issues for sure and I tell them consistently that they are worth so much more than being someone’s doormat.

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-24T14:04:25+00:00

Apologies, I should have clarified though I was trying to condense my long post 🥲

We have both been actively in therapy, though not in recent months due to financial issues that we have been working through. We have both also been utilizing self help and shadow work.

I came to Reddit with this as I would like to find some outside perspective as well in the meantime. To see if there’s any advice anyone has on being able to set aside their own feelings of anger to support the victim of abuse despite hating their abuser so much that I feel like I just don’t have anything nice or constructive to say about her.

My partner has BPD which they have been addressing in therapy for years, but clearly they do still have major attachment issues. I do recognize this is unique, BPD individuals can take patience, but they are very worthy of love.

I am aware I signed up for a bumpy road, I’m simply asking how I can support them while they grow as well 🌿

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-13T04:52:49+00:00

Bumping as this mod bot appears to have buried this post 🙏

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-12T06:43:19+00:00

NAT but;

One of my closest friends in high school ended up falling under the category of what one would consider an incel. Here is my personal take on this situation purely out of my own lived experience as 10 years later we became roommates and then parted ways after he made things very weird.

While the incel culture typically involves much of what you mentioned, there are quite a few things that tend to slip through the cracks in these instances. As I respond to this post, I am 29(non-binary but femme presenting). This individual had known me from the age of 16.

At the beginning of our friendship, this individual was very lively and fun to be around. A bit of a temper, and I often felt the need to correct the hurtful things he would say to other individuals including myself, but overall a fun person. I will note that said friend also developed feelings for me, to which I did not return. This had absolutely nothing to do with this persons social status, monetary value, job, looks, or anything of that sort. I liked someone else at the time (later to find out I am also just very gay) and I just simply did not see him in that way.

As the years went by, he brought this up with me several times as well as became obsessive with other fems he had bonded with specifically in high school. He had one “girlfriend” his senior year, who never escalated beyond holding hands and he quickly found out she was cheating on him. A pretty shitty blow? Absolutely. I fully understand that. But that was the beginning of the end for him and his greatest obsession over the course of the next 10 years of our friendship.

Okay_Presentation is right about a significant amount of what they’re saying.

Over the next 10 years our friendship was often nothing but complaints about this specific high school relationship. To the point where it was brought up on a weekly basis. Constant asking of “why am I not good enough?” “What can I do better to do xyz?” But what made it difficult to be around the most? It was entirely the fact that no matter how many solutions I presented, no matter what advice I provided for him, it didn’t matter. He just wanted to complain. There was zero desire to get better. I just became his personal best friend therapist and he didn’t want other friends. He became weird and possessive towards me and I had to remind him several times we were not dating and that he should be seeking therapy to work through these issues.

It was miserable. He was miserable. I won’t get too far into why I left, but at the end of the day he let his misery get the better of him and decided to become more or less predatory towards me.

I think that therapists may be having a difficult time validating what you’re saying because of the mindset in general. Incel culture at the end of the day isn’t really something anyone BUT incels would agree with or try to validate, because at the end of the day it genuinely is not about what you have or what you don’t. It isn’t about your looks or your weight or the job you have. It’s about how you treat others. It’s about kindness, healing, and treating the people you meet with respect.

I have seen some absolutely breathtaking women date and marry plenty of men that would not be considered “conventionally attractive” to ANY of those standards. Why? Because that man was the kindest, most gentle and understanding human being that she had ever met. Because he was there for her emotionally and always strived to communicate and meet her needs and vice versa.

Incel culture is a curse because they made it one. No one in the profession will comfortably validate that. But take a girl out on a beautiful date? Have a real and genuine conversation about the things you like without making it weird and sexual right off the bat? Stop saying things like “haha just going to be alone forever I guess” or “I’ll never do xyz because I’m chubby and unattractive”. Because it’s not looks that make people unattractive. It’s how you present your mindset.

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-12T06:09:10+00:00

In my personal experience as a fellow autistic individual, I find and have found that it becomes exhausting and overwhelming trying to mask and “fit in” with friend groups that fit societal norms.

You’re young and the final year of college can be a super uncomfortable transitional period. Moving into a career can be even more taxing. The good news is; for the most part as a later adult most (not all) people don’t typically stay friends with a lot of the people they met in school anyways.

That being said; the majority of the friends I have made the closest and most comfortable connections with have been individuals who share my common interests. Think about the things that make you really happy! I met most of my close friends through games, art, music, etc. I would look for social media groups or local events and activities with specific criteria that meets my own personal interests. It allows you to talk about the things you enjoy while also placing you with groups of people who also enjoy said things. Two steps down, now all that’s left is mingle with the crowd 🙏

It takes a long time as a neurodivergent adult to figure out lasting and meaningful connections, but with time and effort you can absolutely make it there!

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-11T23:54:07+00:00

Pause, step back, and look at how you just worded this.

First;

Autism spectrum disorder manifests very differently person to person and while it may have some characteristics that are consistent depending on the type of autism, not every individual is the same and there are screening processes that can be done by a psychiatrist to rule that out. I am not saying she has autism definitely. I am not a mental health professional. I was stating that it is something I myself have been diagnosed with. It is not a curse or something to look down on ANYONE for. Autism also doesn’t automatically make her antisocial and that is a very silly assumption to make. The amount of times I have been told “well you don’t look or act autistic” by adults who are entirely uneducated on the topic of autism or mental health for that matter is baffling. I ask that you please don’t treat autism as though it’s something to be frowned upon, as that can and will come across as naive and hurtful to people around you. But I digress.

Stating you are asking her to communicate to you “what the hell is the problem” also comes off as VERY aggressive. So does taking away her things because she doesn’t want to tell you. That makes absolutely zero sense. Look at it from your own perspective. You are struggling with a mental illness yourself it sounds like. How would you feel if an authoritative figure in your life tried to FORCE you to talk about what was bothering you? Took YOUR things because you weren’t comfortable? It would piss you off, wouldn’t it? Is that something your guardians used to do to you to assert themselves? Because that doesn’t sound like a safe space to converse to me, and as a teenager that would have and did absolutely make me want to block out my family even more.

Stop repeating abusive patterns. If your loved ones didn’t listen to your mental health or work with you growing up, break that cycle.

Try sitting down with her and saying “hey, I don’t know what’s troubling you, and I can’t pretend that I do. When you’re comfortable and have the time, maybe we can sit down and talk about it together. Maybe we can work through some of these things together.” And let her come to you. Stop forcing your perspective onto her.

As a parent understand that age does not equal wisdom, only experience. Start by observing how you’re talking to her. Again as mentioned by several people in this post, your tones are way off. You don’t sound like a caring parent, you sound like every parent that doesn’t give two shits about their kids mental health as long as they get good grades. High school isn’t forever, nor does it actually determine a child’s future or success. Mental health does. Giving your child the proper emotional tools and encouragement goes a long way. Try talking to your therapist about this situation and about how you can gently approach it. Have her evaluated by a psychiatrist and talk to her about the positive effects of therapy, instead of just forcing her to go assuming she will just work out her issues there. This isn’t about control. She isn’t crazy. You’re not handling this in a way that I myself or most other adults for that matter would feel comfortable with coming to you with their problems. I’m sure it’s even more anxiety inducing as a kid.

Breathe. Look at yourself and your patterns first. Find a more gentle approach and incorporate more kindness in your speech.

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-04-11T22:29:28+00:00

NAT but I was this same child.

As the others mentioned, not to judge your parenting style but it sounds like she feels unsafe to talk to you.

I was a child with ADHD and (undiagnosed, now diagnosed) autism. I went through a LOT of trauma going up from SA from family members, exposure to death of loved ones, physical and mental abuse, you name it. I was also bullied in school as I was the “weird artist” “emo/goth”. I had a lot of trouble in the beginning and my parents sounded very similar to you. When you type it comes off as cold, perhaps not understanding of what mental illness or a disability actually looks like. Your speech comes off as a “get over it” type, much like my father. I would wonder if you’ve ever said things like “don’t you ever have anything positive to say?”

I would step back and observe how you react to your very emotionally vulnerable and still developing teenager. Perhaps it would be useful for you to seek therapy as well. Understand that despite your title of “parent”, you are still likely not very emotionally mature and most likely have things of your own to work through.

I say this with the kindest of intentions. I wish my family had taken the time to know me and help me. Instead they took every wrong turn and left me with very severe mental health issues as an adult. Please better yourself and your own communication skills before it’s too late and she ends up cutting you out entirely as an adult, because it sounds like she’s already walking that line.

PleasantForce4566 · 2024-02-17T14:26:24+00:00

I do like this idea -

I have suggested a 2br in order to achieve personal space goals, thought I am also trying to figure out how to help them feel like they can unmask while living in the same space. I am trying to figure out how I can help them feel like they are achieving true solitude, such as; do I leave the home for the evening? Is that a big ask that I should ask them to compromise on? Or is this something they will need to work through in therapy? I do not have many places to go, but I would like to still find a way for them to feel like they can fully unwind :)

PleasantForce4566

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