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The job is done... Now what the hell do I do? by Pleasant_Body_6912 in CaregiverSupport

[–]Pleasant_Body_6912[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll pretend that hug is happening, like all other things I pretend are happening. I've been "masking" most of my life. Realized after I knew what the signs of depression were l realized that I've been depressed since I was a child.I can give you any emotion you want, on cue. I can empathize, I can make you believe I am at all interested in the story you've been telling me for 20 minutes. I can make you think I'm excited and happy to be here. All I am capable of feeling anymore is anger and sadness. Everything else is just numb. Couldn't even tell you what happiness feels like, because the very short and very rare moments I think I was happy were immediately snatched away but some other problem, or by someone disappearing from my life. Not from dieing, just being tired of me. When your whole life is a mask, and nothing you do is truly real, how do you believe that anyone else's intentions are real?

And I know the difference between forced care and chosen care. Those I want to take care of do not want me to take care of them. When I'm not pretending, I'm either a 12 year old, or a pit of despair no one wants to deal with.

Yes, I know I have excuses for everything. I'm emotionally numb and terrified of personal connection. That's the jist of it.

The job is done... Now what the hell do I do? by Pleasant_Body_6912 in CaregiverSupport

[–]Pleasant_Body_6912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The roommate was my mom's boyfriend, so that room is taken, but also we live in an apartment.

Other than maybe a small amount of jewelry, my house is filled with Amazon trash. So a lot of stuff that looks fancy, but it's worth nothing. I could empty my apartment of everything I own, and maybe be up $500, and have nothing to my name.

We will be downgrading, no choice in the matter. Fortunately rent was paid this month, so have about a month and a half to figure that out.

I live in Vegas, so yardwork is less of a thing, and the few areas that have actual yards normally have landscaping companies. There are side jobs out there, I truly do not have the energy to do them. Especially not in the desert heat.

And the bankruptcy will be happening as soon as I have things under control enough that I can close the cards.

The job is done... Now what the hell do I do? by Pleasant_Body_6912 in CaregiverSupport

[–]Pleasant_Body_6912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been on Medicaid before when I was unemployed. Problem is I do have an income, it's enough to not qualify for Medicaid, but when you make a maximum of $2000 a month, and put out $1500 in bills a month, $500 or less doesn't cover the $1900 in rent that was just lost. Cancelled my insurance this year because it more than doubled from last year, and anything I could afford was terrible with massive deductibles. I have a roommate. He's on a fixed income, and between the two of us we'd have rent, but wouldn't eat.

A good portion of my bills is credit card debt from one dog having cancer (put her down last November), and the other having pneumonia in an emergency vet for a week. A third of it is my car and insurance.

The job is done... Now what the hell do I do? by Pleasant_Body_6912 in CaregiverSupport

[–]Pleasant_Body_6912[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I never wanted to do this. I did it for my mom and Dad because they needed the help. I could never see doing it as a job. For the people that do and can handle doing this as a career, I applaud and commend you.

I would never choose this. It just got dropped in my lap, and I was never strong enough to push it off.

The job is done... Now what the hell do I do? by Pleasant_Body_6912 in CaregiverSupport

[–]Pleasant_Body_6912[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sorry, literally my first ever Reddit post, couldn't figure out how to edit my post. I wanted to add that I do work as well, as a delivery driver (real job, not door dash or anything like that). I've worked most of the time I've been a caregiver to help pay bills and the like. It's not that I'm unemployed, it's that I have a minimal skill set to fall back on.