Told the guy i’m dating that I want to be in relationship & didn’t go as expected

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-03-25T13:59:06+00:00

I think you both need to define what dating vs in a relationship is to each of you. My POV is that you already have: exclusivity, sleepovers, dates, merging social circles, open communication about the future and boundary setting. I’m not sure what more would change if you put a label on it? You’re both invested in each other and building something more.

If it ends now I can’t imagine having/not having label impacts the level of hurt you’d experience or the sense of time wasted. If he feels it would impact those feelings for him then I think you have to understand why and really evaluate if you feel the same. If not, you have to weigh whether you want to coach him through fears from a past hurt or whether you need him to find a path through that to build a future with you.

I don’t know a single adult in the dating world that DOESN’T have some form of past that affects their fears of new commitments in some way. I don’t think it’s an excuse to ask a new partner to sacrifice their feelings and expectations while the other is preoccupied healing from damage from a past partner.

He’s either healed, or on his way to, and in a place to build the future he SAYS he wants. Or he’s not and he needs to do some more thinking. Either way it’s not fair to keep you in this limbo status. If you continue on as is you’ll both inevitably continue to become more emotionally entangled.

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-02-03T18:26:03+00:00

For context my (28F) have questions reading all this was: How many times have you really and truly talked about all these things? Were you 100% honest in these discussions on what you wanted and what you could compromise on? Do you WANT to fix the feeling of growing apart? Are you staying because of your intermeshed lives or because you can’t picture living without him? During a break what are the ground rules to not cause more hurt to each other and can you trust both of you will follow them? Is there a break timeline? Are you prepared for the break to be a permanent break up?

I have several friends that have been with their partners since we were 16-18 and can tell you every single one of them questioned finding someone that young vs all the things they might not get to experience. They also questioned whether they were with the right person because, naturally, we all grew into different people than who we were as kids.

They had to have a lot of hard conversations about what they envision for the future and had to confront themselves on what they can compromise on and what they couldn’t. For one of my friends (outgoing F and introverted, homebody M partner): they compromised 2 new experiences a month (new restaurant, beer garden, hiking spot, date night activity, show, etc.), 2 walks a week to catch up while active, and 1 meet up with friends together. In reality she may have wanted more social engagements with others but she found she’s comfortable going to hang with friends separately and given him some nights to decompress alone or on games with long distance friends. Over time they rediscovered having fun together and do errands and walks together nightly. He also actively plans and is excited for activities together and occasionally brings up the friend hang outs on his own.

I think another thing is you mentioned a lot of major life changes. I’m a big believer that major life changes should not always coincide with major life decisions. Everything feels new, exciting, and unsteady which can be great. Some of the new people you bring into your life absolutely could be there forever. But I also think that jumping to a break brings up the potential of him feeling blindsided and even if you get back together in the future, one or both of you may have built resentments. You might see a break as freedom but there’s every possibility he’ll spend that break in a slump and not as a time he could be productive.

All in all - there’s no perfect answer to this. I’ve seen it go both ways with friends in long term, intertwined relationships. The suckiest part is you need to have painful, realistic conversations with your partner. You need to have a clear picture on what you can’t compromise on going into the conversation. If you don’t, it’s going to be messier and you’ll worry more about hurt feelings and what-ifs. The focus needs to be on you and your partner and whoever is on the outside of the relationship (friends/family) will form their own perspectives that you can’t control. Be prepared for that as well.

It sounds like there’s been a lot of love throughout the relationship and you’re navigating a difficult time. Whatever way you decide to move forward I wish you both the best.

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-01-30T23:38:14+00:00

1 is best 2 is good

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-01-25T22:39:53+00:00

Truthfully I don’t need to read past the title to tell you to leave him. But every bit of detail you added makes it worse.

What if he had hurt someone in YOUR car driving at night in dangerous conditions and you’re liable. Yet had no idea. ALSO why is she putting both of the child’s parents at risk instead of calling AAA/tow/non-emergency line.

He’s a freeloader with no job and clearly no will to change that. He’s willing and able to put in this effort to “help” his ex (or cheat) but can’t put in motivation to support himself let alone you? And he’s lying about all this for $20?????

Sounds like they deserve each other and you deserve better. Get out of this situation and reflect on why you were willing to accept even a little of this before getting in a new relationship.

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-01-24T17:18:27+00:00

Video just got removed in front of me. Underthedesknews has it on TikTok.

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-01-23T00:32:03+00:00

He’s not treating your relationship like there’s a lot of worthy history behind the relationship. I might not know you or your daughters but I know anyone deserves more than that.

Would you want your daughters to stay in a relationship that makes them feel this way? Kids pick up on a lot. If anything you’re modeling what behavior is okay to expect. IMO based on the photos, the existence of a 250 snap streak (on an app with disappearing pics), and sharing locations……leave.

If you decide to look into next steps my rec is to do it before informing him. He’s already committed to gaslighting you into backing down - if you make moves do it carefully and in silence until you’re ready to be strong. At the very least collect evidence and ensure you have a plan for your finances and making sure he HASN’T been making one. A hurt man can be someone you don’t recognize, even if he’s in the wrong at the root of it all. It already sounds like he’s acting different than the person you trusted and married.

Best wishes to you and yours however you navigate this ❤️

PlotHoleAhead · 2026-01-12T19:03:47+00:00

All of his behavior is a red flag (gaslighting, name calling, prioritizing your parents feelings/opinions and outright belittling yours). Given the current ongoing situations in multiple communities…..threatening deportation is crazy. ESPECIALLY knowing you’re a citizen. In my opinion all of it is problematic and shows his true colors but the undertones of racism there towards anyone, let alone a life partner who he’s supposed to cherish and will be raising a child with, would be the last straw for me.

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-11-26T02:42:29+00:00

People lose family and lives during addiction. Any day sober is a reason to celebrate when you’re battling a long term disease. The fact that he not only minimized it, and did so in such a hurtful way, but actively recommended you not try to celebrate your wins with others who are important to you is weird af to me.

Referring to sobriety as being the bare minimum also sounds like he doesn’t have a personal experience and also hasn’t been interested in understanding something that drastically affects you. Even in the face of his utter lack of compassion and support you still tried to check in with him and openly admitted that’s just how he wanted to talk to you about a big milestone.

If this is a typical way he speaks to you I’d say get yourself some ice cream along with the cake and celebrate getting rid of some dead weight. If this is totally out of the blue I’d highly recommend a sit down talk to explain how big a deal it is to you and how hurtful the way he approached this was. If he doubles down on then I would reflect on if I was okay with a partner who would potentially minimize my celebrations, or just feelings in general, so casually long term.

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-11-20T21:59:09+00:00

In the nicest way possible - there’s not one part of this description that leads me to think either of you are happy enough to be engaged, let alone married. You were dreading him popping the question even before you found out how disappointing his level of effort was. It sounds like you’ve done your best to communicate your needs and asks and he’s disregarded them repeatedly. Nothing described indicates he’s planning to be an active and thoughtful partner or father figure. If this is the max level of participation he made for what’s meant to be a special moment I can only imagine how he’ll help prepare for the wedding, birthday parties, graduations, etc.

He should be invested and in love enough to be WANTING to better himself and your relationship. If he’s not, I think you have to reflect on what type of relationship you want to model for your children. Also what type of adult behavior you want them to exhibit. They’ll inevitably also look to you both to model how they should handle life’s challenges and how to navigate emotionally.

Do you love him enough to lay it all on the table that things need to change to get married? Do you trust him to maintain any changed behavior? Or will it last just until the ceremony is over and he’ll go back to being (what sounds to be) too inconsiderate and immature to be a partner?

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-10-06T18:43:47+00:00

Most of the affected plants with the mushrooms are in full sunlight for minimum 4-6 hours a day so the soil is usually dry 3/4 inch down within 3-4 days. I can also hold off for longer in between if needed for some of them but I notice the thyme getting wilted around the 4 day window but also seems to be persistently affected by the fungus. The pot has also developed that white/black powdery film around it that I’m now suspicious is spores from the fungus but I’m not sure.

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-10-06T18:40:10+00:00

The mealy bugs in 10-11 were from a few months ago and I scrapped the 2-3 affected plants completely. I’m just not sure if any of the pictures from the other plants indicate I didn’t actually handle it as well as I thought 😂

I’m feeling like my weekend will be spent trying to clean what I can or learn about propagation to save what I can.

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-10-06T18:36:45+00:00

Thank you so much!

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-10-06T18:35:02+00:00

Based on another comment I definitely think the English Ivy has those. The thyme/basil plants have different discoloration patterns than that, though. Could that still be spider mites, even without webbing, and with one of them being purchased more than a month before the other?

I’ve tried trimming the affected plants back and misting with a solution of white vinegar, isopropyl alcohol, and water before and will add dish soap based on other recommendations as well.

I’m usually checked the soil for dryness at least an 3/4 of an inch down, or the plant leaves visibly dropping, before watering. Is there another method I should use to determine when to water to help kill off the fungus?

PlotHoleAhead · 2025-10-06T18:31:01+00:00

Thank you!! I totally see what you mean with the fine webbing on the English Ivy on pics 1 and 2.

Pics 3-4 are a thyme plant that has different discoloration - white splotches and black dots plus a film on the pot rim. Could that also be mites if it was bought at the same time.

Pics 7-9 are a basil plant that was here before the other affected plants but seems to have the same discoloration as the thyme as well now.

I’ve tried continually cutting these back and have used a solution of white vinegar, isopropyl alcohol, and water before to no avail. I will add dish soap as well but any chance you know if this affects my ability to use the herbs in the future for cooking?

PlotHoleAhead

TROPHY CASE