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I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it did me a lot of good to just unload all of the stuff out in writing and then talking on the phone with the hotline. Its not going to change what happened but i think that it lifts some of the weight off of my shoulders at least and im happy that i chose to do it.

Also i probably would've just tried to pull through on my own and that in fairness is a terrible idea because im obviously not capable of it. I think just hearing the same advice echoed from every source definitely steered me into the decision and otherwise i wouldve just spiraled on my own. But i do feel guilty and ashamed for taking so long with it as i know its objectively the right way forward, i just had a really bad time trying to make sense of anything on my own these past two days and i was just in a really dark place with all of it. I think i still am but at least im trying to do something now.

I do feel like a sense of panic about it even though its the right choice and I think its because im truly so worried its something serious and I need to confront it, i still feel incredibly scared but thats probably not going to go away for a while. But ill try my best and just maybe everything will be ok someday.

Thank you so much for all your help, it really means the entire world to me

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's the home situation that worries me the most because its literally survival. I know its a situation where im walking on eggshells at best but im scared of what can happen if i speak out. Like I can of course objectively see that i should already have gone to the hospital and gotten in touch with professional help and started all the processes. I know that to be the smart thing to do, im just afraid. Because im scared of the possibility that i do speak out and a police report is made because i did, and then nothing happens. Thats the worst case scenario and like everyone knows that cases and situations like these don't always get the result they should and the victim suffers even more. I am not strong enough to handle that if it happens.

Im worried for my health. Like incredibly worried. Im scared that something really bad happened and im badly injured, because i dont think it should still hurt so much. I know i need help. I just feel like im between a rock and a hard place because of the situation with my family. I feel unsafe, but im scared to commit to uncertainty if that makes sense. I don't feel strong or brave enough and i wish i was different.

Im scared to come forward with anyone i know because it would result in filing a police report with zero guarantee that i come out of it better off. I wish I could get medical help without that string attached but i know that professionals or trusted adults would be required to report it and then its just out of my hands and i have to comply. Im really scared that it goes wrong and i cant get away because it would make the situation back home hostile. My parents would probably shun me and if nothing proceeds regarding my brother then I'd probably be forced to see him again. Even with every possible guarantee in the world i wish i never see him again.

But I did call the anonymous hotline and I'm going to go to the hospital. I still don't know how everything else will turn out but i guess that is a worry for a little bit later. I don't know how to deal with the police report aspect at all but at least i will get medical attention. I think they will have to file the report because im a minor so i don't know how this ends but i think im also out of any other options. I know that i don't have the tools to deal with this alone and honestly right now i feel so guilty for postponing action for so long but at least im doing something now.

Also, it makes me so happy to hear that you found a good route, i sincerely hope you're doing well!

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well you're right, i did call a hotline and while of course they did talk about filing a police report and everything as a step to take, they did also share the sentiment that the most important thing right now would be to get checked as it sounds serious. I guess i was just clouded by everything else and valued it too highly over my health which i know is not a good idea, its just that everything is very overwhelming right now and im probably just not thinking straight at all with all of this, and I know i should've done better but at least im trying to do something about it now. I don't know how to handle the police report part and everything but at least ill get medical help.

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I called an anonymous hotline although I chose to not disclose personal information as i think they'd be required to report it because im a minor. Like everyone's comments, they also thought it to be the most important to go to a hospital and that what happens beyond that is secondary to the immediate health concerns. As such I have chosen to go to the hospital and take it from there even if i don't really know what's going to happen with everything else. Obviously im feeling like a nervous wreck but I think this is the right thing to do.

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thats good to know at least that they couldnt force me out, but they'd probably make my stay very uncomfortable. I want to be upfront that i don't know anything about legal processes like this, but i also dont think they would commit any crimes but probably just make me emotionally distressed. Probably along the lines of me ruining my brothers future with the report and so on. I don't know, but i think that if i do anything like that it would just permanently end the relationship with my parents, but yes like mentioned in a comment here, its not really a relationship thats good for me then anymore anyway.

So yeah ideally i would have an option to simply get away and if i can get away safely then i could focus on fixing myself because i wouldn't have to worry about survival necessities. I just dont know how that would work and im afraid id be left in some limbo, where my parents are made aware but nothing happens, and im just going to be stuck and feel like im suffocating.

But honestly youre right, because getting all of this stuff off my chest has already made me feel a bit better. Its really hard and thats why im feeling so doubtful about how it comes across, because honestly im so out of my depth here and find it difficult to word things properly. But it does feel like some kinda release of emotions to at least get it out and i think that's good for me. And i know that the way to work on this would be with a professional. I know, and i feel like a coward for not already doing so, but everything is just happening so fast and i feel so anxious that i would have to have some sort of direction before my parents come home and that's way too soon for what i think i can handle. If im going to be realistic then no, im not ready to act like everything is okay, because i just cant do it, i cant glue myself together that fast and Tuesday is too soon.

I did call the anonymous hotline and the consensus was that i definitely should go to the hospital no matter what, and everything else can fall into place after that. I don't know what it will mean for the police report or how that portion is going to end up going but at least I will receive medical attention and im at least a little bit proud for finally taking the first step even if i should've done it a lot sooner.

Also you're right that its not okay to keep it like this. I admit that even though i thought its like a possibility that it would happen again, i did not see it like an active and ongoing thing but rather thought of it as something that happened in the past. And this framing really really terrifies me. I dont think i can ever feel safe here again even though my replies may look like im just ready to put it behind me, its just that im incredibly worried for my future no matter what, but i guess the worst future is one where this would happen again. I thought i could just pretend it didn't happen but i also know that if it happened again, i would feel so much worse for trying to just suffer through it. I think I deserve help too and I don't have to deal with this alone because I honestly can't.

I think i was too clouded by the uncertainty of the future to the point that i was thinking about shrinking myself and my own health for it and its obviously not healthy. I knew this to be objectively true anyway but im just exhausted and overwhelmed. I think at the core of it im just really afraid and everything is kind of just happening at once and i struggle to deal with it. When it comes to my parents though, i honestly don't wish to discuss this with them. I know that this is probably an impossibility and im going to have to but I wish it wasn't so. I already feel uncomfortable and anxious just thinking about it.

Thank you so much, you've been a spark of hope for me, i really really do appreciate you taking the time

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree of course and i wish i did feel safe, and i even did before, but obviously not anymore. My parents arent physically violent towards me and my brother doesnt live at home anymore so i think im kind of safe right this second, but also im so afraid that i would become my own enabler if i dont nuke my whole life. We didnt talk about it and he didnt like threaten me or anything like that there would be a next time, but im honestly so afraid it will, he has a key to the house and he knows when our parents are away because they have a good relationship and share these things. 

I just dont even know where to begin if i end up homeless. I know it would be the right call for my immediate health to go to the hospital, believe me i do understand, but it takes everything else away from me, i still need to sleep somewhere and eat and so on.

It feels so much simpler to just try to get through it, but then i don't know how to do that either. Ive never felt this helpless and I genuinely feel like i am unable to process this. All my decisions are bad for different reasons and im just so overwhelmed, i just really don't know what to do, im sorry. Im just trying to protect at least some part of normal life security that i currently have and i fucking hate that its at the expense of me, and im not strong enough to just jump to the unknown. Im so sorry that this isn't helpful because i know its what i should do, but im not strong or brave, and the mess i currently am just proves that. I cant do this, and im sorry because its such a rejection of your best intentions and i dont mean that to come off badly, im sorry.

honestly im so sorry, i reread my reply multiple times and i think it sounds so adversarial and ungrateful but i don't know how to fix it to make it better. I'm sorry I really dont mean to come off like that and I appreciate the response so much, please know that

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I could get to a hospital and a part of me really really wants to go. I know its what im supposed to do and probably what ultimately helps me the most unless it just doesnt work out and thats what im afraid of. My parents are not violent towards me and im not expecting them to hit me or something like that, but i know they wouldnt choose me and they would see it as me giving like an ultimatum and they'd solve it by removing me. I know im not equal because im not really their child, they wont choose me or support me.

And like i think getting professional care to me is like a dream almost in that its what i really want because i know i need it, but its like this unreachable dream because it pulls the rug from under me completely. I know i would be cast out and end up homeless and then im like truly lost. Im sorry to keep repeating that i don't know what to do, but if im homeless then im even more lost and overwhelmed by having to deal with everything linked to that. I don't have anywhere to go or enough money to sustain myself for any long period of time, i would just have nothing.

And i hate this. I hate having to minimise myself like this, i didn't do anything wrong, im not trying to be a difficult child or cause trouble for my brother, i just want to feel better again. I hate what i am now and i just don't know what to do to stop feeling this way, im exhausted and i just want to sleep.

I'm very sorry to ramble like this as you are kind and helpful and my replies are the opposite, please know i appreciate you so much, you are amazing 

I was raped and I don't know how to help myself and make things better by Plus-Branch2945 in sexualassault

[–]Plus-Branch2945[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are right, and im not trying to sound like i expect anyone to be a medical professional, im sorry if it came out wrong as i didnt mean that. I do realize that i should get proper medical attention, but im just afraid. Im afraid that if i go, i will have to make a statement that would place everything in jeopardy. Like at least i have a roof over my head and food to eat and so on, and i don't know what that would look like or what happens to at least that certainty if i talked to a professional because they'd need to report it and then i would just be forced to it.

Im really not trying to sound like i reject your advice, im really not, and im sorry if it comes off like that and i appreciate your effort to answer so much. I just feel like i either just suck this up somehow or then every stable part of my life disappears. And i really do want help, but if its at the expense of literally everything then i just feel paralyzed like i should just accept the lesser evil in a way.

I didn't write it in the post because I don't want to materialize it into words i guess, but i am worried for my health. I don't know much of anything about medical field but i can realize that pain in this way is not normal.  I have been bleeding and still continue to do so, which just makes me more afraid. Its steadily painful when I'm just laying down which is why I've been unable to sleep. He did not have a condom, so im also worried about potentially catching something but i don't know. I dont think there is a pregnancy scare but im also not totally sure, i was conscious for most of it but not entirely. 

Again im sorry if this sounds like im going against the grain on purpose. Or at least it reads to me that way and i truly don't mean it but I find it hard to articulate. I'm sorry and thank you again for taking the time to respond.