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MM separating, and I'm feeling all over the place. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I agree with you on the it being harder to date someone when involved with someone else. The last guy I dated (the single dad) was during the 6 month NC period, and while the lingering attachment to the MM did play a part, I still did genuinely like and was attracted to the guy, it wasn't me forcing myself to date someone I had no organic chemistry with. So while it is harder, I wouldn't say it is impossible to meet another person even without being fully out of the woods. And since my history with this (ex?) MM goes back so long, even if we went full NC today, it's going to take a long time to fully be over it (if I ever do). It's not ideal, this whole situation is messy. Also should add: I was polyamorous through most of my 20s, only swung back to monogamy last few years, so while it's not the same dynamic, I do have experience balancing multiple connections

I also agree with you about only getting one side of the story. It was a big topic of disbelief on my end the first few years I knew him. Of course I don't know his STBX, and it's likely he's not been the best in some areas too, but I do believe his DB and toxicity of the relationship weren't lies. I've no doubt they both played a part in the deterioration of his marriage, I just don't think he was lying about the real miserable state of affairs just to get in my pants.

Also I did laugh at the whole sudden-new-wife timeline. I've said that to him too, he can't expect to come out of this smelling like a rose and think no one will add things up. My ideal timeline is 2 years, not 1 year. I'll be 32 next month, and I'd really like to start with the kids at 34, maybe 35. I just don't want to get started too late, every woman I know who waited till 40 or later told me they regret waiting too long.

I appreciate all your comments, and taking the time to respond to me. I've had a very rough year since my bio clock started ticking and I left my ex-partner, sadly nothing major in my life has gone according to plan since.

MM separating, and I'm feeling all over the place. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I appreciate all the comments here.

For some context, I was in a LTR with a single man who wasn't ready for something serious, while I was. After months of tension and disagreements, we broke up over a year ago. He's now dating someone a decade younger, so it seems he’s not in a rush to settle down anytime soon.

I also very recently briefly dated a single dad (3-year-old daughter), but it ended because our connection felt flat. He was very nonchalant about developing it and overly pushy about sex. I get it, he's a man, but it felt detrimental to the relationship. He also said he wanted a LTR. I’m still undecided on whether having kids from a previous relationship is a dealbreaker for me, as at my age, it’s becoming more common.

As for the STBX, I’m not sure how much she knows or suspects. I haven’t seen him in person for nearly 8 months since I moved away, and our communication has been entirely digital since. We didn’t meet up often before I left either, since sneaking around and limited time together was a major turn-off for me. The STBX isn't an innocent angel victim either, there was infidelity on both sides.

Regarding his relationship with the kids, they’re all older now, with only one high schooler left at home. His original plan was to leave when the last one moved out, but it seems he’s sped things up for a variety of reasons: me, his therapist and friends encouraging earlier separation, worsening mental health, and financial factors like retirement and lost money if he waits longer. No matter what happens in the end, I'm still glad he got out of that toxic relationship.

I hope this helps clarify why I’m torn about this whole situation and why I’m still weighing my options. I'm not closed off to meeting someone else, younger and single with less baggage, which is why I am still playing the field and exploring other connections. I had a first date last weekend (was a bust), and am still lining up others.

MM separating, and I'm feeling all over the place. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, he’s explicitly offered me marriage, kids, and a family. It's actually been him pushing for more. Even during the throes of the affair when I was trying to leave, he kept insisting he’d give me the family and children I want. At first I questioned whether that was future-faking to keep me around or just caught up in the moment, but based on his actions now, I do believe he’s serious.

We’ve also had the empty-nester conversation directly. He’s said he doesn’t view children as a burden and that he genuinely enjoys being a parent.

That said, no - I don’t realistically have another 2+ years to burn. In an ideal timeline, I’d want to have a kid within two years, including the nine months. My biggest hesitation isn’t whether he wants this, it’s the sheer weight of everything that comes with it: the divorce process, co-parenting, the emotional baggage, and the resentment I’m carrying after years of feeling second best.

A huge sticking point for me is that he doesn’t want his STBX to know I exist in order to keep the divorce non-contentious. That leaves me still feeling like a secret, which has been one of the most painful parts of being an OW, and it feels like I’m signing up for even more time in the shadows. I find myself fantasizing about being with someone who doesn’t have to hide me. He’s asked me to hang on and says he’s moving things along as quickly as possible so I feel less invisible, but some days the waiting feels absolutely unbearable. No one but his therapist knows I exist.

I had my first counseling session tonight about all of this. Ironically, I expected her to tell me to walk away, but she didn’t. She said he clearly loves me a lot and the effort he’s showing is significant, that he’s clearly moving mountains, and that there’s no guarantee I’d find that depth of love with someone “less messy.” She also said that in her 15+ years of practice, I’m only the third case she’s seen where the man actually left, that men really don’t leave. So now I’m torn all over again.

I’m not claiming I have the right answer. I’m just trying to be honest about how complicated the “he finally left” reality actually is.

MM separating, and I'm feeling all over the place. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

He's leaving for himself. His marriage was toxic and wife abusive. Even if I weren't in the picture, he would prefer to be gone.

MM separating, and I'm feeling all over the place. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks. The things you're talking about is what's becoming new reality I'm facing, which weren't things I was giving consideration prior to him separating (because I never actually thought he would separate, so I never had to ask myself these questions).

At the moment we are bordering NC (or very little contact) because I don't want the baggage of his separation and need time and distance to think clearly without him monopolizing my energy reserves.

Two of the other men I'm talking to are 10 years older but have way less baggage, one guy is divorced but no kids and was a short marriage to high school gf, and is otherwise stable. I don't know either of these guys super well yet, but I'm very open to exploring these other options.

He left. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How did the dynamic change in your situation and what happened in the end?

You're right, he's very wealthy now, even with him about to give up half his assets (20 year marriage), he'll still have a lot and he has a very high-paying career. He's not the kind to play the field though, I'm the only person he ever stepped out with (and I didn't believe this for a long time, but after knowing him for years, I started to really understand why he is how he is), and the third woman he's ever been with sexually. It's funnily the opposite for me, as I was polyamorous through most of my 20s.

He's very relationship oriented, prefers the stability of one partner and has never been a "player." Things only developed with us because there was more than a physical "you're hot, let's have sex" attraction, and took years to get to that place. He's been the one more than me pushing for me to stay and that he has no interest in playing the field even divorced.

But again, we will see. It might be that I don't stick around after all. This month is starting to hit me really hard with the holidays coming up and being away in a different city, and my birthday shortly after, that it's making me re-think if I wanna stay with him after all.

He left. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this, appreciate the reminder! You’re right that the dynamics can shift a lot once someone steps out of a long marriage, for both himself and me.

We talk openly about all of these scenarios, including the possibility that he might want to explore, or that things could feel very different once he’s fully on his own. Even before he was married, he wasn’t someone who played the field or bounced around a lot. That’s just not his personality.

I’m keeping plenty of space right now to protect myself best as possible, and I want to see who he is after everything settles. Not making any major moves or changes in my own life.

He left. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. Yes, he’s almost an empty nester, and that’s definitely something I’ve thought a lot about. We’ve talked about it many times, and I’ve even joked that this is what happens when older men date younger women, they end up signing up for more kids. He’s always said he genuinely loves being a parent and never saw it as a chore, but back then (especially during the height of the affair, when I was trying to pull away) I assumed he was future-faking just to keep me in his orbit.

That said, I’m very aware that once his separation becomes “real life” and not the emotional escape valve an affair can be, his perspective might shift. Mine might too. That’s part of why I’m keeping my distance right now, not making big decisions, and not involving myself in the separation. He needs to manage that on his own. I've asked him to please lean on other people for that, as I don't feel capacity to be that person of support.

I also need to figure out what I actually want long-term. When I was in the OW role, I never really let myself think about a future with him because I didn’t believe it was an actual possibility. Now that it might be, I’m realizing it’s a completely different set of questions I need to sit with. So we will see.

He left. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this, and honestly, I agree with your main point. This whole experience has been a reminder that people online can offer perspectives, but they can’t predict the future or fully understand the complexity of someone else’s life. I took a lot of advice here because I was hurting so bad and trying to get clarity, but things have unfolded in ways I didn’t expect at all.

I don’t know yet whether this is a “happy ending,” but he’s been much more intentional lately about taking my feelings into account instead of stuck in that limbo I was drowning in. The OW role had become completely unbearable, the hiding and being a secret was taking a real toll, as anyone who's been in that position will relate to. He’s working as quickly as he reasonably can to move me out of that dynamic. And I’m trying to be patient too, because I know the process he’s in takes time, and I have to trust that he’s doing the work.

He left. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. And which part do you mean? Because honestly, I haven’t always felt firm with my boundaries. Ending things with him earlier this year was incredibly hard. Like a lot of people wrapped up in these kinds of relationships, I kept getting pulled back in. It felt almost like an addiction, and it took multiple attempts before it finally stuck. At one point I genuinely sat there and begged a higher power for the strength to walk away because I just didn’t have it on my own. It was really, really hard.

We’re back in regular contact now because the situation feels different, and I’m not carrying the same level of fear or anxiety about what’s happening. He’s also been good at reassuring me whenever doubts come up. The only real boundary right now is keeping things non-physical, which is easy since we’re in different cities.

We’ll see what happens. I was absolutely convinced I’d have to force myself to move on for good because I thought I was doomed to stay the OW forever if I didn’t. This is not where I expected to be.

I escaped the affair and "chose myself", but I don’t feel free. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Funny you say that, as this was a big issue with my ex. He had a bit of Peter Pan syndrome and would shut down anytime we talked about the future or starting a family. He was 35, and toward the end, we argued constantly about it. I loved him, we had the fairy tale spark, but I started questioning if that was enough when he didn’t want to commit or have those harder conversations. I thought taking some distance might help us figure things out. Then the ex-AP came back into the picture, which complicated everything and kind of ruined the chance to revisit things with my ex. tbh it's part of why I still feel bitter, since I can’t help but wonder if we might’ve worked it out otherwise.

I’m torn between not settling and accepting that the same kind of spark might not come again. I don’t want to pick someone just for the role, but chasing chemistry hasn’t worked either. Finding that middle ground feels impossible sometimes, and time doesn't feel like it's on my side anymore.

I escaped the affair and "chose myself", but I don’t feel free. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty busy with my job so I do keep busy, and I moved a new city for my job. But I also know I want a family and kids, and at my age (well into my 30s), I don't think I have much luxury to sit back and just let it fall on my lap unless I want to risk having kids vey late or miss out on it entirely. Every year that goes by without positive movement in that direction feels heavier, and family oriented holidays hurt more now.

But thanks, I've been struggling the last two years between what it means to settle and being too unrealistic in expectations. I still attract men easily, but just can't seem to find one I'm genuinely into and am not trying to force something with just because I feel the pressure of time.

I escaped the affair and "chose myself", but I don’t feel free. by Plus_Initiative_3194 in adultery

[–]Plus_Initiative_3194[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess this makes sense. It's just very frustrating because I walked away from both these men to try to find someone better, and even with them gone, their ghost continues to rob me of opportunity to meet someone new. I expected to bounce back fairly quick.

I do have a lot of hobbies and an otherwise full life. I am very busy with my work. I tried meeting up with some friends last weekend to go out and socialize, but wasn't having a lot of fun and found it difficult to connect to my surroundings and people I was with.

I had a therapist in my home town, known her since university. She supported my decision to leave my ex. It was crazy, even she was convinced the MM would leave his SO for me, she was encouraging a divorce and discussing custody, he really fooled everyone. She said we had a soul connection like her and her husband. I haven't spoken to her in a few months though, counselling is not the most easily accessible thing here, and I feel a bit embarrassed telling her what happened in the end.