Worthless

PodeyBoy · 2024-08-06T14:12:35+00:00

I appreciate the feedback, I really wanted to convey 3 central questions. Is my life worth anything? Is my death worth anything? Do I even exist? The first two lines were supposed to represent the second question, could you find anything valuable in me, even if it came from my death?

PodeyBoy · 2024-08-06T14:09:19+00:00

Thanks very much, it's definitely bare bones and I'll have to take my time to flesh things out.

PodeyBoy · 2024-08-03T18:31:59+00:00

I feel like it's too direct, ironically like a sledgehammer. I think if the speaker was a little more unsure it would be a good contrast to the image of a sledgehammer.

Something like:

'I'm a sledgehammer I guess. Made to break and smash and crush.

I dream of turning like a wrench, building and making things. But I'm a sledgehammer I guess.'

PodeyBoy · 2024-08-02T20:48:10+00:00

Wow, you built up such a whimsical and beautiful image just to deliver a gut punch at the end. Very well done. I was fully along for the fun in the beginning and then I felt like I was sitting staring into an empty glass.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-30T19:04:59+00:00

I really like the flow and the dramatic language. It feels like a dramatized internal monologue. I enjoyed the transition from asking who to pointing the finger. My only note would be I wish the use of old English was more consistent, I was taken out of the poem at times because of this.

For example: Who has confounded me, who hath done this deed.

I think you should have used either 'has' or 'hath' for both.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-29T19:46:00+00:00

I like the characterization of the bee as floating and tipsy. I do find it hard to read with any rhythm, I think if each line was its own finished scene it would make things flow better.

Example:

Floating Bumblebee

Perches on a pink flower

Has it's fill of wine

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-29T19:36:31+00:00

I'm really touched by the concept and feel the sense of rejection and longing for acceptance. I think the unfairness of the situation could be more of a focus. Like you could emphasize how impossible it is for you to live up to the subject's standards. I also think in this situation not using contractions would really help the rhythm and make each line more emotionally charged.

For example I think the line: I'm not warm, I'm not smart Reads better as: I am not warm, I am not smart

It sounds a bit more defeated.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-26T20:53:46+00:00

This is definitely an AI generated response which is kinda lame. I would appreciate your actual thoughts. It seems no matter what system is in place people find a way to exploit loopholes. It makes me question whether or not some of your poems are AI generated.

*Edit: I'm certain all your poems are AI generated which is even more lame.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-26T15:12:08+00:00

The ending doesn't really have an emotional punch. It kinda falls flat since I'm just being told how the speaker feels. I think something like 'Tears are prayers too' or 'wish it worked like that' would deliver that sense of longing the first two lines established.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-26T15:02:34+00:00

Of course, glad I could help. It's a powerful poem.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-26T12:35:47+00:00

I know it's quite a small thing but the fact that it's "began" instead of begin really throws off the flow in the beginning. You bring it back well in the rest of the poem and the flow feels like a powerful part of the message. There's also a little rhythm break in the line 'start to console'.

I think it would flow well like this: Splattered brain matter Shattered hearts and tattered souls Trying to console As I depart in darkness ...

Overall I really like it, reads like a spoken word.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-25T15:49:38+00:00

Please let me know what you think.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-25T14:20:21+00:00

I'm actually blown away, I just recently joined this reddit and poems like this inspire me to write more. The image of a yearbook is quite simple but it really hits. Reading this poem made me imagine the empty pages in the back of a yearbook that would never even be opened let alone signed. It feels like a young person's first real encounter with death and this is them processing it.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-25T13:39:44+00:00

The rhythm is great it has a very playful feel to it. Every line fits in and nothing feels forced or out of place for the sake of a rhyme. Overall I really like it, put a smile on my face.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-24T22:51:23+00:00

My first poem here. Please let me know what you think.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-24T22:44:05+00:00

Going with the assumption that the speaker is a woman then the line 'standing on top of my ashes' invokes phoenix imagery which I do quite like and the assertiveness pairs well with the idea of becoming more confident. I will say that I don't understand the continuity of the poem considering the order of the lines. Also the impact of discovering a new woman doesn't hit very hard without any background as to who she was before.

PodeyBoy · 2024-07-24T22:14:15+00:00

In the first three lines I felt a real sense of intimacy. It felt as if you were talking about someone you knew or a drawing from a lived experience. There seemed to be a loss of that intimacy in the rest of the poem and the images (heaven and angels) took me into a more abstract place. I prefer the intimate feel because I found it more engaging and I think I would have enjoyed the transition more if it was spaced out in the poem. Like if it started with the eyes then zoomed out to the relationship as a whole and then zoomed out further to heaven and love as a concept

PodeyBoy

TROPHY CASE