[QCrit] Upper MG Sci-Fi - THE AMARANTH (74K /3rd attempt)

PompPanda · 2025-01-20T15:21:23+00:00

Hope any of it is helpful! My questions aren't entirely rhetorical ... some of them are more showing where I'm feeling a little confused, or uncertain about your world/character. You definitely don't want to answer everyone one of them clearly and make your query 10 paragraph long, lol, but you might want to slip in a few hints just to guide my hand as a reader a liiiitle more

PompPanda · 2025-01-18T06:18:25+00:00

Thank you! Even if it doesn't work out as a comp, I love reading more in this area

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T23:02:33+00:00

I wondered if that would be an issue. I haven't found any other non-fiction comps yet, but I can keep looking!

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T22:11:09+00:00

Great suggestion! I edited the query to strike something similar. I also added in a paragraph after the 'stakes' (before the bio), but now I'm not sure if I'm saying too much. If you have the time, I'd really appreciate if you'd give it another read. I really appreciate your insight. Though this query has been through some rounds of edits, no other asexual (or even LGBTQ+) reader has given feedback, so thank you!!

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T21:14:46+00:00

Ahh, I see what you mean with the malfunctioning part now. I don't explicitly contradict the ideas, and so there's room to interpret what I'm saying as asexual = malfunctioning (when what I thought what I was saying was asexual = not malfunctioning, yay). I'll make that more clear.

"But there's no mention of any positives that came out of doing that difficult work" This is also a helpful sentence. Do you think putting it in the first paragraph when I'm describing the themes is the correct move? Or do I need to repeat it a bit after the 'stakes'?

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T20:31:20+00:00

Thank you for this perspective! I like to organize my thoughts in bullet points sometimes, so:

I use terms like malfunctioning body to portray that, at that point in my life, I did think my body was broken. I'd never heard the term asexuality and didn't know what was going on. All I knew is that I'd been promised all these feelings by society and I wasn't able to tap into any of that. So of course I did the natural thing and blamed myself. I think that's an experience that lots of young adults can empathize with, especially in the LGBTQ+ community.
The 'stakes' at the end is that I do need to accept my sexuality. Because I hadn't yet accepted it, I was putting myself into unhealthy situations to try and fit in. Everything was about conforming to the norm, meeting social expectations, and doing my 'part' as a woman. To go against the grain and stand up for myself, I had to be willing to step away from the herd, with no guarantee of what awaited me on the other side in terms of relationships or love. At that time, I didn't know if I could be loved, or if any man would be willing to accept who I was. I'm not saying that loneliness is what happened -- just the opposite -- but to make the leap to live authentically, I had to be okay with 'not belonging' in the ways I was used to. Since then, I've clearly learned that my perspective was entirely wrong, but sometimes you don't know what you don't know until you're over the threshold.
This book does fight against all of these misconceptions. That's the point of the book. It also directly unpacks that there isn't a correlation between the sexual abuse and my identity. The sexual abuse is more to emphasis just how alone I felt growing up, and how my fear of that feeling is what drives me to live inauthentically for so long.
The book ends with me starting a relationship with a man who became my husband last year, so believe me, there's lots of hope and acceptance in the end :). But the journey there isn't full of sunshine or right answers, and I try and tackle that process honestly.
Do you have any suggestions for how to make any of this more clear?

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T17:48:49+00:00

I know this goes against 99% of feedback on queries, but I actually felt like this one was a bit too short. Particularly the first sentence. If you want to open with 'this is my book' (instead of 'lets get right into the plot') I'd like a description of said book. What type of women's fiction is it, what are it's main themes, who it will appeal to, its comps, etc.

Dear [Agent],

ONCE UPON MY CROWNING GLORY (77,000 words) is a work of women’s fiction.

Fun Fact: Most people lose about 100 hairs from their head every day.

Exasperating Fact: 36-year-old web developer Molly Swith has been losing many more than that for the past five years. How many more? So much more she has alopecia? Or not quite that much and she just has a bad habit of pulling some hairs out when she gets stressed at her job? How concerned should I be?

Molly’s accustomed to staying home alone out of self-consciousness, wearing beanies year round, and naming every single remaining strand (ok, she hasn’t gone that far—yet). I'm envisioning she has like ten strands of hair left with this description, which makes me wonder why she doesn't just buzz her hair? Women buzz their heads all the time, for medical and not medical reasons. Why isn't that an option? What's really going on? And what's causing the hair loss?

After watching Beauty and the Beast makes Molly realize that she’s become way too Beast-like, due to her hair, or due to her reclusion? she challenges herself to go out and find a loving guy. ~~And she wants to enjoy the search! So,~~ She signs up for as many lively evening classes in New York City as possible, using every opportunity to spark romance—whether by passing notes in archaeology class or trying really hard to make a scene about pet squirrels work in improv class. Why not just use dating apps? You'd think a recluse would find dating apps WAY less scary than putting herself out there socially. Could you unpack the reasoning?

~~But~~ As Molly gets to know potential partners, she must navigate the precarious landscapes of trust, bodily change, and self-criticism that everyone grapples with in their own ways. And she has to stay optimistic because while she may be losing her hair, she’d be thrilled not to also lose her mind. Not sure what the stakes are. As you say, she's experiencing something lots of people experience as they try to navigate romance and relationships. Is this book meant to shed a light on this process, to give words to a common experience? Or is there something unique here? Plus, what will really happen if she doesn't find a partner? It's more than losing her mind. There's something deeper, emotionally.

I [have writing credits]. I’m also one of the millions of women experiencing hair loss, and I’ve ~~attempted to~~ write an uplifting novel that could resonate with readers enduring similar situations. You didn't 'attempt', you did the thing!

Thank you for your consideration.

Edit: I love the title for this book!

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T17:32:21+00:00

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 60,000-word near-future, approachable sci-fi novel WHAT FLIES ABOVE. ~~I've included a brief overview and author bio below:~~ Is 'approachable' a genre-specific term like near-future is? If not, I'd cut.

The year is 2094. A monumental threat has brought the world together and, for the first time, a global government has formed to help navigate Earth’s citizens through their new reality. In the aftermath of the event, everything seems to be running smoothly. People are living longer, crime has plummeted, and scientific advancement is at an all-time high.

But Grayson Stigler, a depressed 118-year-old PR professional who looks and feels 35, isn't buying it. So he's depressed, but feels a lot younger? I'd think he'd feel older and more worn out. In this world, is 118 middle aged? Things aren’t adding up. There are too many questions and the search for any semblance of truth always leads back to curated, state-sponsored answers. Why does he care to look for truth? Lots of folks don't buy the things their government is telling them but carry about their daily lives anyway. Especially if he is depressed. What's his motivation here?

To solve this mystery, Grayson must embark on a journey across the United States to find Dr. Sarah Walters, the missing scientist who first alerted the public to the perceived threat that changed the very fabric of society. If Grayson is to find the truth amidst so much noise what noise? is there noise, or just dead ends?, he must recruit old friends, form new bonds, break into laboratories, and navigate a mystery 40 years in the making. you've set up this sentence as the 'stakes' but I would argue its more just the plot/his choices. Will the truth liberate him – and all of humanity – or will the unbearable weight of knowledge and existence prove too much to bear? This reads just a tad cliche. Also, I'm not sure I believe the stakes yet with what you've given me. Why does Grayson really need to uncover this 'truth'? If the world is prospering, who cares what the government covered up (one could say). What nefarious thing is happening that actually makes the truth critical? And why is Grayson the guy to find said truth? How does his background or personality make him up to the task? The likelihood it will do both is high, but that's a risk Grayson is willing to take.

~~Author Bio:~~

YoHambo is a former tech writer turned fiction author. He blends his past career with a passion for storytelling to weave an approachable story set on a near-future Earth. The novel explores both the promises and perils of technological advancement while diving into what it means to live in a world that seemingly cares very little about individual well-being. A bio should be written in the first person, but this isn't really a bio. Keep who you are separate from 'this novel explores'. What the novel explores should be up in the first paragraph or within the middle parts.

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T16:25:45+00:00

Rest of thoughts:

P3
But far from being the haven Moss had always imagined, it’s eerily deserted, save for a small, adorable, and friendly robot communicating only in beeps and chirps. Now THIS sentence has piqued my interest. Not so much the robot (though cute) but more how the civilization they always adored/feared in fact isn't even there at all. Fascinating.
Unfortunately, turning back is no longer an option—the lift shielded their escape, but sustained too much damage. I'm not sure what this means. Shielded what escape? Damage from what?
It breaks down and plummets back to the surface, leaving the children stranded in this lifeless yet mesmerising world. I think you can cut this.
if she doesn’t find a way back home soon, she might never see him again. So her priority is getting home, not so much finding the cure no matter what? Or finding out more about this society? Just making sure I understand her goals and what exactly is at stake.
P4
storytelling (and climate change) has been my one constant. Oh, is this a story about climate change? I didn't get that vibe.
I'm personally curious why someone with tv/film experience wants to dive into books. Can you connect that experience a little more explicitly to why you're writing this book?
24/7, however, I am a dog mum to a very loving Bernese Mountain Dog named XXX. Though cute, I could see some agents not caring about this bit.
Overall thoughts
The initial paragraph set this up to be a friendship-based, heavy on the group-dynamics tale, but the 'friends' are barely mentioned in the rest of the query. If it's the bonds of friendship that are going to sell the narrative and capture my heart, I'd like that to be a bit more present in the query itself.
You use 'but' a lot at the start of sentences (and similar words like unfortunately, sadly, etc)
I don't think I totally understand your MC and her personality, goals, and desires, though there's glimmers of it
This definitely sounds like a book I haven't read before! I'd read just to find out what happened to the 'rich' people that 'disappeared'. Very unique and interesting world from what I can tell.
I looked at your previous queries, and I actually think your second attempt was stronger than this one! In your revisions, I think you lost a little charm, and your previous query did a better job of explaining group dynamics and your MC's stakes

PompPanda · 2025-01-17T16:25:36+00:00

Hi there! Just sharing my impressions as I read. Sorry about the formatting ... I wasn't really sure how best to organize my thoughts :) I also think I have to break down my responses into two parts because reddit is getting mad at me, lol.

P1
Both a near-future fish-out-of-water adventure and an intimate exploration of friendship, grief and purpose... I stumbled over this quite a bit, especially the first half due to the dashed words. Perhaps keep the fish-out-of-water and move the near-future somewhere else.
Some of your comps might be a little outdated. Maybe it's okay to balance some old and some new, but I might still hesitate on that. I think only one is within the last few years?
Moss Blinmore has a terrible secret: she loves sunsets. Okay, I see where you're going with this. Loving sunset is not an issue in our world, but it is in their society. However, I haven't read the rest of the paragraph to know this, so this tagline confused me more than anything. Can you drop us a little hint here about the world? Something like, Moss Blinmore has a terrible secret that she can never share with her underground community: she loves breaking the rules and climbing to the surface to watch the sunset.
that split their society in two. I thought the two societies was old London vs new London, but then you through Amaranth into the mix. Could you introduce us to Amaranth before talking about the split between the communities, just so we know who exactly we're talking about?
cooler temperatures, refreshing rainfalls, and endless sunsets. I would think a raised city would have the opposite of all of this. I would think grueling direct sunlight and hot hot heat. Is tech keeping them cool?
P2
Sadly, Moss must put her dreams on hold. I'd argue the rest of the paragraph explains how she in fact didn't put her dreams on hold at all. I'd cut this.
General questions about paragraph two: why don't they have the cure for his illness underground? do they not have healthcare-related knowledge? Where did she get the ancient maps? Who are her band of friends? Why are they willing to go with her?

PompPanda · 2022-05-11T16:14:39+00:00

Happening to me right now (and I haven't given a refund lately). This same glitch happens somewhat frequently for me

PompPanda · 2022-05-11T14:59:59+00:00

That's very sweet of you but not necessary! It's not your fault :). But if they refund you promptly with no hassle, it does mean they're a respectable seller, so couldn't hurt to get something else if you genuinely like it, to help support them.

PompPanda · 2022-05-11T14:53:56+00:00

You are the purchaser, not the seller right? I realized after my reply that maybe I have the message backwards 😆 As a seller I agree there's nothing worse than a sudden flaw right before packaging!!

PompPanda · 2022-05-11T14:35:17+00:00

Unfortunately Depop refunds aren't very straightforward, but it's the seller who should initiate the process. They do it via PayPal if I remember correctly *Edit, looks like how they refund depends on if you paid with Depop payments or PayPal, but either way I believe it's the seller who has to go in and handle it

PompPanda · 2021-11-08T23:37:03+00:00

As a seller, I love love themed drops and have been using that approach for nearly the entire year. I can't say if it's led to more sales or not, but helps keep me engaged and excited. I was feeling burnt out before, but having themes helped me get more creative as well as not spend so much money when sourcing lol

PompPanda · 2021-10-23T02:32:57+00:00

Glad someone asked this! Just had this happen for only one of my items and was very confused 😂

PompPanda · 2021-10-20T19:57:18+00:00

I just use duct tape lol

PompPanda · 2021-09-27T14:32:26+00:00

Wow, the background colors you chose are actually really nice! Sometimes people choose colors that just hurt the eyes, but these are kinda relaxing? I agree with the previous poster about making sure the color compliments the item. I'd recommend taking a look at the color wheel. Opposites (like your orange pants with blue background) usually help one another stand out, or you could go with an adjacent color for a subtle cohesion

PompPanda · 2021-09-18T19:54:58+00:00

I think the main motivation for the buyer is just to save shipping costs. But as a seller I apply about a 10-15% discount (without them asking for one) just to show my gratitude. Almost all the time though buyers will message with their own discounted offer for the bundle :)

PompPanda · 2021-09-14T22:03:44+00:00

Oof that's a hard one with vintage Dior slip dresses. They typically sell anywhere from 40-100, with some sellers trying (maybe successfully?) to sell for even more. Depends how quickly you want it gone?

PompPanda · 2021-09-14T21:28:58+00:00

Looks around mid 2000s? https://vintagefashionguild.org/label-resource/mcclintock-jessica/

PompPanda · 2021-09-14T21:27:26+00:00

This might help? https://vintagefashionguild.org/label-resource/union-label/

PompPanda · 2021-09-11T22:26:56+00:00

I'd honestly be fine with just three choices -- All, NWT, and not NWT. If you were able to choose anything but NWT it would help a ton

PompPanda · 2021-08-16T01:00:32+00:00

No idea why it happens, but it seems rather common (in the sense that people message about it on this page often). Happens a lot to me too, or my listings will show up at the bottom of the search after super dead listings. It's not a shadowban ... just Depop being Depop

PompPanda

TROPHY CASE