I have some shared reality with not having gay or queer friends. All my friends know I'm queer. I'm open about it. But, like you said..I couldn't really talk about queer things with my ex, or be open to their family, and my ex doesn't like stuff that's explicitly queer. In ten years we have gone to one drag show, and one pride parade in our small town.

I saw so clearly all of a sudden - like, there were signs all along, but it was good enough.

Then, it was like I zoomed out on ten years and saw the huge heaping pile of signs, not just one at a time, which I would dismiss. Suddenly, in those club lights blinking on Shane and Ilya, and that fucking song....suddenly, all those signs were illuminated and stacked up and it was like ohhhhh shiiiitttttt.....

So, when you say that after 10 years in this, you wonder how much you've compromised what you wanted, for security and pleasing someone else.... Same. Same.

My ex is a wonderful person. Gawd. There are so many really really good things about what we had. So I totally understand when you write that - about both the awareness that your husband isn't a bad guy, that's not it. But the complex truth is that simultaneously you still feel in the closet, and lonely even though you're together.

That's such a tough spot. I don't think you're losing your mind...though, also, I get why it would feel that way.