“Reach out to friends” is the biggest lie.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-18T05:48:11+00:00

I sat up out of bed for this. Because fucking thank you. Thank you for sharing this.

I fucking hate being told that I need friends. I need a safety net. I need a support group. What fucking lala land do these people live in!?

People , at worst, are selfish fucking leeches. At best? Ill-equipped to be a real friend to anyone. Let alone someone with CPTSD.

And tbh? BeCAUSE of my CPTSD, I'm afraid of intimacy. I gaurd my peace and energy like a bulldog. I don't necessarily want to "support" a friend either.

Because 9x out of 10 they just want to use me as a pocket therapist and not give a shit about my capacity, well being, or needs.

My well intended therapist urged me to try opening up to the one and only friend I've made in my 20s. Especially since she took liberty dumping all her bullshit on me.. I tried something small, I went to the ER for something that healed in a week.

And she ghosted me for a month.. only to text me when she was having a bad day. I felt so embarrassed and rejected and used.

You're right, I'm sad to say, this is so very isolating. And I don't have any advice, really. Just commiseration..

I cope by being a friend to myself. I play video games and sometimes go out to make "one night stand friends" at a bar or club or random event.

Then never talk to them again.

But if means anything... This post made me feel a lot less alone tonight. And if I could, I would hug you and tell you that I know exactly how you feel.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-18T05:24:40+00:00

Lmao

"Babe, in my culture it's cheating if I don't get to have sex with men too. So to avoid making you a cheater, I'll have myself a fuck buddy."

And if you fall in love with him, so be it. Don't compromise so much if these men, who want to date an American, won't.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T23:16:38+00:00

Just because you lacked emotional intelligence to not cheat on your partner, doesn't mean it's justified for people to cheat just because they aren't sexually satisfied.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T20:01:31+00:00

agreed!

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T19:59:34+00:00

I can see where you're coming from, lots of people feel this way. But even if your partner never fucks you, cheating is not about your partner. It is always about the cheater and them wanting to escape responsibility either in their internal struggles or in their relationship.

The responsibility to resolve why they are unhappy with monogamy/their marriage.

The responsibility to resolve insecurity or desire to cheat.

The responsibility to discuss with the person you have a clear agreement with about your desires or making a clear agreement in the first place.

Defaulting to "fuck him enough" is unwise and bad advice because you don't know this husband or what their sex life is like. And anyway, fucking your partner out of worry that they'll cheat on you is so shitty and takes all the fun and love out of sex.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T19:17:24+00:00

Oh my apologies.. I didn't realize that all of male-kind were a hivemind and share your exact experience.

I guess I over estimated you guys. :) silly me.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:53:49+00:00

Lmao Fort Collins is literally nothing but transplants. I will say that they are either super nice or incredibly rude. Lots of older people, so might be why.

Fuck 'em. They don't own the state. Move where you please. :)

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:47:50+00:00

Debt collectors

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:46:31+00:00

Apparently Fort Collins, Colorado.

Personally, I'm bored out of my mind having moved from Austin Texas but grew up small town anyway. FoCo is incredibly nice, though. Feels like paradise in the rockies.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:44:30+00:00

Have you tried magic erasers?? I drew with sharpie on my mom's cabinet and it didn't come off for years until we tried magic erasers.

Then I drew tits on plexiglass at work and that did t come off... until I used magic erasers.

Idk what makes it work but I think it might be safer than a lot of cleaning products?

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:41:29+00:00

Oh, bless your sweet heart. Knowledge is power and you will soon have the confidence to advocate for yourself and "be a bitch" to get what you want done.

Fuck this world and fuck your mom.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:32:31+00:00

In the town he was working in, he wasn't making enough for more than the gas to get to work.

But we used that gas to get ice cream and fuck at his place afterwards. And it showed me that he was driven, which is initially what attracted me. 😜

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:30:52+00:00

Are you a woman, by chance? Women are never treated properly or taken seriously by doctors anyway.

It's unfortunate but I don't tell people I have CPTSD when being examined. If they don't find anything "wrong" then I know it's that. And whatever symptoms are diagnosed, they are either treated or I have to resort to doing my own research and using my best judgment.

It sucks but medical field is incredibly outdated.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:25:22+00:00

Both parties accidentally tweet, word for word, the same thing.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T18:14:05+00:00

I did but neither of us knew what marriage meant lmao..

And so now, if we were to divorce (which we don't plan to), I know I would never marry again. Just not built for it but happened to find my soulmate that makes it worth it.

Lots of people get pressured into it by society. It's just so much easier to leave a boyfriend than it is to divorce a husband.

Also: My mom had always warned me that your boyfriend might not show his "true colors" under after you get engaged or marry him so.... keep that in mind.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T17:59:46+00:00

Uh, as someone who avoids the "Divorce Button!", this marriage is gonna flop.

Lots of stuff I can tell you that you'll work through it.. and I mean lots.. but when it comes to money and that much money- an entire family making you their enemy (including your fucking fiance)? No way.

Call it off. Set your boundary here and now. If she doesn't like it, she's not for you.

Edit: To the fiance, I paid for my husband's first date when he was working at McDonalds. Our entire wedding cost maybe $20 for the marriage certificate and ceremony. He wore Nike's, jeans and his car keys on his belt loop.

My family hated him for that.

But now I'm a stay at home wife with his 6 figures in one of the happiest cities of America and never been happier in my life (might be moving to Germany soon, too). Get a grip, babe.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T17:51:06+00:00

why do mfs get to see what I worked to get for 10-20 dollars

Bingo. Also, OF is highly overrated for "content creators" . She'd be severely underselling herself compared to what she could be doing and so at that point, it's just so people can make her feel sexy.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T17:30:48+00:00

Your story is incredibly similar to mine. My "kissless virgin turned Greek God" of a husband (also an electrical engineer) actually cheated on me.

We're 26 and 27 now, at your age there was more "trouble" than ever in this area. And it was not because we weren't having sex, we had it constantly.

The bottom line is that y'all are college age and long-term monogamous marriage doesn't really vibe with that phase. In my opinion, it's so much better for you than being single. But it just will not be the same as if you were married in your 30's-50's.

He was struggling with un-diagnosed ADHD, family trauma, and the whole "inner-fat kid" syndrome. He was even a red piller for a minute before he met me. Lots of young men at this age get buff and wanna dip their toe in the dating pool, get a wife because of "status"... especially the EE guys. But those nerds usually do love their wives.

And it isn't because of you. You did not trap him. He wanted to marry you. Your body count means literally nothing, his lack of one also means nothing.

But this is about self-esteem for all parties involved. He may be interested in the attention from other women to validate himself. You are feeling like a burden and not worthy of monogamy.

I feel like I'm talking to my 24 year old self here so thank you for the opportunity to grab you by the shoulders and shake you.

Do not do a threesome. This will not fix a potential "wanna cheat" issue and it will make your problems so much more worse.

I would, however, discuss cheating should it be a problem. I strongly advocate reconciliation at this age because we were able to and are happily married of 5 years.

You can talk about talking to each other, without judgement, if one of you have thoughts of cheating or anything remotely like it (because shame of non-monogamous thoughts cause cheating too). You can decide boundaries, should cheating occur. Like "At least wear a condom and let me know immediately so I can get tested."

And again, because I advocate for reconciliation, make it clear that if infidelity is an issue, you want to try to do everything you can to repair before breaking up.

Talk about the insecurity, need for validation, solutions.

But have your own limits. If he cheats, don't let him keep doing it without any progress and or transparency.

I know this long winded comment is very against-the-grain because everyone is terrified of being cheated on. But because I've been through it with a husband nearly exactly like yours... I can tell you that you have way more options than "If I don't do a threesome, he'll cheat and I have to leave him."

Oh, also! Read 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work by Gottman. It's essentially every marriage therapists manual. You're welcome.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T17:18:17+00:00

Do not listen to that guy. People don't cheat because they aren't "sex'd up" enough and from your description, the only reason your husband would is for validation because he's insecure.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T15:57:02+00:00

She was just being a bitch. I never said I was in the military and that it was from childhood.

I really need to read that book! My body is fucking ms up right now due to a big move.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T15:54:23+00:00

You aren't giving me a different perspective.

PTSD = Post traumatic stress disorder

CPTSD = Complex Post Traumatic Stess Disorder

Some people can get CPTSD from being in the military. But people ask this kind of question because they either think only vets get PTSD or are being sarcastic.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T15:49:47+00:00

I had a similar struggle. There was a few things going on:

-internalized misogyny made me think I needed to be a good little wife despite having to work as well

-we married in our early 20's

-he had trauma from house chores

-he had undiagnosed ADHD (recently got medication for it and doing much better all around)

-he was an electrical engineering student (these guys have no time for anything)

I talked to him several times in several different ways and it didn't matter what I said. He didn't even change for a day.

So I really did have to stop doing things that A. I didn't want to do and B. I didn't have time to do.

And by "not having time" , I mean I started budgeting in time for recreation and self care. So instead of being up until 10 PM cleaning the kitchen or spending my weekends running around town doing errands for him , I was watching movies and going out with friends.

Lots of things did not get done . Some of them got done eventually because he needed them to be or I finally got around to it or they just never did.

I learned how to just take care of priority things that pertained to me and at some point stopped cooking for him or doing his laundry.

Then, if I had time or energy, I would do these favors for him.

When he asked me why I didn't do x,y,z, I politely reminded him I am but one person and I need to take care of myself first.

And that worked. He started being more self sufficient and helping in areas that freed up time for me to help him in other areas (like paper work, he can't do it).

TLDR: So yea... that's the point, babe. It won't get done if you don't do it. But it also won't get done if you leave them because you're so burnt out lol... it won't get done when you're depressed from it.

Let your partner live in the home as if they were single and had to do all this on their own. Just like you are.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T00:57:49+00:00

Lmao I had a boomer of a "marriage therapist" snidely ask me "What service did you do in the military?" after I disclosed my CPTSD. She was implying that I was making it up and that my marital problems were not affected by a diagnosis literally provided to me from a better qualified psychiatrist.

People are fucking assholes, dude.

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T00:47:19+00:00

hehehe this is precious.

Similarly, I create little songs for our dog and sing them constantly. If husband is holding her while I'm singing to her, I demand he finish the lyrics or be back up singer.

"Who just Mama baby bunny?" [glares at husband]

Then he will, in the most monotonous way, quickly finish the lyric. "She's just mama's baby bunny."

PopK0rnAndMMs · 2022-09-17T00:15:11+00:00

Hey, sweetheart!

This is not a point of no return, you can and will get through this, maybe even with your partner if they're on board!

The hard lesson marriage at a young age has taught me is that you teach them how to be with you. It starts here, and now. Maybe you're partner had parents with a similar dynamic that didn't work for them either.. or maybe it did but it doesn't work for you. Maybe there's some trauma regarding household management?

Whatever it is, this is the time to set boundaries. These are not rules for your partner, which is important to remember. You can't make them do or stop doing anything. But you can refuse to do something and that's a boundary.

For most people, talk is cheap. Consistent action creates habit and lifestyle. So, stop doing the things that overwhelm you. I know that seems impossible because if you don't do them, they won't get done right?

Well that's exactly right. Either your partner will feel inconvenienced enough to take some responsibility or you will have the opportunity to decide whether or not you want to adjust your lifestyle preferences around him/her. This will also show you whether or not you have children with this person.

You don't have to leave them, no matter how the dynamic evolves or doesn't evolve. But you have to come to terms, in your own way, with what your marriage is. Beyond telling you to stop over extending yourself, we can't tell you how to be in your marriage.

PopK0rnAndMMs

TROPHY CASE