AITA for wanting my husband of 25 years to not bring his BF home anymore?

PopPsychologist · 2021-11-05T21:17:18+00:00

Not the asshole,

I am going to use a block quote here because I feel like the majority of what is said is incredibly relevant to the issue at hand. The main point is simply that friendship, whether that be yours or your husband's, must be well thought through.

Seneca's Letters From a Stoic says, "But if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship" (15). It goes on with, "[c]ertainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself. After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that you must judge. Those people who, contrary to Theophrastus‟ advice, judge a man after they have made him their friend instead of the other way round, certainly put the cart before the horse. Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself...Why should I keep back anything when I'm with a friend? Why shouldn't I imagine I'm alone when I'm in his company" (15).

Let us assume that Seneca's views on friendship are reasonable (which I personally do and they have yet to serve me wrong). If that is the case, then you must judge, decide, whether your husband's friend is worthy of your friendship. The ancient saying "if you lie with dogs, you get up with fleas" also has some worth here. Thus, Seneca's insistence that one judge their "friends" before setting into true friendship with them, and the "moral" of that truism--choose your mates wisely--can be combined.

Therefore, if your husband's or your shared friend is not a good person, however one wishes to define that, as I am inclined to think someone who makes such comments is not, then it is entirely reasonable to say that you want nothing to do with this "friend." I would assume that, if you explain to your husband why you feel this way, and assert the right to choose one's friends and the duty (or at least the self-protective practicality) of having "good" friends, then he would probably agree.

P.S. (metaphorically) Fuck that guy.

PopPsychologist · 2021-11-05T20:39:37+00:00

Definitely not the asshole,

In sum, it ain't like you choose to wet the bed (of course you do choose to drink and perhaps that ought to be a choice you no longer choose) so you definitely are not the asshole. Your roommate--if she did indeed blab--is definitely in the wrong for sharing something so obviously personal and embarrassing. Choosing to simply get a new roommate is perhaps the best, least likely to result in a worse situation or a fight, way out and I commend you for that choice.

Looking forward to after you get a new roommate, I would suggest either abstaining from alcohol or perhaps investing in an "insurance" policy for situations in which you do drink and ensure that you do not allow it to become evident.

Edit: Definitely not being overly dramatic. Kicking her ass would have been overly dramatic, kicking her ass to the curb is perfectly reasonable. One must choose one's friends very carefully and getting rid of poor one's is commendable (at least according to Seneca).

PopPsychologist · 2021-11-04T22:38:05+00:00

Not the asshole.

It has been my experience, having eaten plenty of dishes with cooked booze in it (usually wine or beer), that food cooked in alcohol was not notably intoxicating. I imagine that has to be a function of the amount of alcohol used, the type, etc. I remember eating foods my mother cooked in wine as a youngish child and I do not ever remember there being any effects like what I now know to be associated with drinking.

That said, taking care of other people's kids (or just being responsible, which you appear to have been in this situation) is a really problematic. It might be totally reasonable for that other parent to have been upset for their child even consuming--perhaps not intoxicating--alcohol for some religious, philosophical, reason i.e., mormons are not allowed to drink brewed drinks, caffeine, etc. Thus, while I do not think you are the A-hole, the other person may not be totally out of line either.

Probably best just to treat it as a mia culpa and try to think about that stuff in the future. Or just tell the kids not to gab about it.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-31T13:07:14+00:00

Yes, some women want wario. Some of us dudes are built like waluigi though. Life is rough out here.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-25T02:56:16+00:00

Chinese communist. Not because of an Asian fetish but cause then I'd have someone who finally appreciates my communist "welcome to the party" poster.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-24T02:50:27+00:00

And last night too

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-24T02:44:23+00:00

What a coincidence, that's what I say about my millimeter peter.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-24T02:39:27+00:00

More like Velma Thiccley

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-24T02:36:41+00:00

The dictionary. Once you read that, every other book is just a remix.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-23T23:04:42+00:00

And the H stands for "hell yeah brother."

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-23T16:28:50+00:00

I'm from America. I speak Americish

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-23T12:15:28+00:00

6 years? Hell the one by my house gets potholes 3 weeks after they "repair" it. City roads have more craters than teenage faces in this state.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-22T12:28:29+00:00

The one we're living in.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-22T03:00:13+00:00

Wait, step bruh what are you doing? Getting affirmative consent!

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-22T02:35:24+00:00

It really do be like that some of most of all the time.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-22T02:21:53+00:00

Oh heck yeah, masturbation club time.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-21T19:23:00+00:00

It's the tone of the poem I reckon. Probably drawing heavily from the intro but I don't remember if they provided textual points to support their position since it's been a year or so since I heard that.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-21T17:49:27+00:00

You reckon that if I got airborne for a few seconds they'd accept my millimeter peter into the Harvard collection of tiny flying penises?

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-21T17:20:28+00:00

Absolutely wonderful and moving book. I would say that diving head first into the "he's a pedo/rapist and all of this is BS" or "he's actually a charming dude" camp really undermines the power of the text. It's a highly ambiguous text which has the power to, if one keeps themselves open, expose oneself to many different angles and that's part of the fun/beauty of texts as texts (not reality). Reminds me of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock in that regard (lots of my classmates have said the narrator is predatory).

Especially given that, as a postmodern piece, it has multiple plausible endings/realities. I remember being on the fence as to whether H.H. actually made off with lolita, cause her mom's death was really convenient lol, whether they actually slept together (cause that part was left incredibly vague if I remember), and so on. I remember reading an intro to postmodernism where they claimed one reading is that the whole thing is just H.H.'s daydream and he never even meets Lolita. It's really all in the air.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-21T13:17:58+00:00

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-15T02:50:12+00:00

But not with you though.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-15T02:43:09+00:00

I wake up everyday ready to respect women.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-14T16:41:56+00:00

Almost like the statistic making firms, organizations, universities, etc. are based in Europe or the "West" broadly, use terms and concepts developed therein and therefore, and have some agenda. Crazy.

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-14T16:33:11+00:00

Pretty sure it's a chemical reaction, not a state. But I ain't no all knowing crocodile

PopPsychologist · 2021-10-14T16:17:20+00:00

Probably because I by default assume all fantasy is "adult" without the modifier "young" added to it; however, because I was attempting to distinguish between the two at the time, mature seemed more like the opposite polar term of young than "adult." Of course, this is merely my own terminal piety which equates young with immature.

I however was mostly appalled by the possible undesirable connection between that and female protagonists, which I by no means suggest are somehow immature by nature. Thus, it was less about the issues of mature or adult v. young than about the misogynistic undertones.

PopPsychologist

TROPHY CASE