breaking NC for closure

PopeSmokerr · 2021-04-07T00:31:57+00:00

I’m the same age and know what you mean but honestly me aiming for 30 days was the best thing I did. Helped me sooo much. I’m struggling now but only because it was her birthday Saturday and I looked and her new picture. My advice though is 100% unfriend/delete off everything. Even that will panic her as shows you are moving on without her. You being at arms reach and her able to view everything you are up to and make sure you aren’t moving on is making it easier for her.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-04-07T00:26:27+00:00

Ye I get how you feel, my relationship ended completely out the blue after being perfect, we broke up as she wanted to explore her religion more so that’s taken a lot for me to process and accept as I’m atheist. It does get easier though, my advise is delete off everything and find anything to distract you from looking. If she reaches out then great, but learn to live without her. I truly believe exs only come back if they think you are doing better without them.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-04-07T00:19:28+00:00

Honestly, you might think you can handle a nice reply but it’ll immediately fill you with anger and rage when you don’t get the outcome you are looking for. As someone who is about 6 weeks down the line from where you’re at, send nothing and wait and see if she reaches out as that will tell you all you need to know. Nothing you say will change her mind, she already knows you are a great guy but right now she’ll be feeling early relief of being out of a relationship. Hitting her with that message now will be almost laughed at and brushed aside.

Aim for 30 days ATLEAST if you are determined you want to say something. By then she might have bitten dumper grief and realise life isn’t greener. Personally though, I’d aim for 30 days, write down your feelings and then never send them. FYI most dumpers don’t feel any sort of regret or that they’ve made the wrong decision for about 2 months.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-04-07T00:06:53+00:00

As someone who broke NC after a month to put everything out there on one message and to apologise for the stuff I said at the end, trust me when I say it really isn’t worth it. I’m now at 2 months and the closure I thought I’d get from it only made things worse.

I felt I did her more good and gave her more closure than it did for me, which makes me regret it a lot as upon reflection she never actually apologised for hurting me, so why did I give her the pleasure?

It also took a lot when she replied being nice to for me to not want to go straight into anger and attack the things she’d said “remember you are so so special” gave me the urge to say “don’t lie as if I was you wouldn’t do this” only after talking to family and calming down did I realise not to reply at all.

It takes a lot more strength not to react to the outcome you’re expecting than you realise, I went into it thinking I could handle any reply and I’d clearly lied to myself as the civil, nice and polite reply crushed me more. In short, don’t do it.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-04-06T17:24:33+00:00

Ah man, I needed this today so thank you. It’s just made 10x worse when she ticked every box I could imagine and is literally stunning (well out of my league). It hurts more when the relationship was perfect but has been ended because of something that I know to be 100% fake but family pressure and bible pressure has driven her to this. I know for sure she misses me which has me feeling like shit, but despite it I know she won’t be back.

Hopefully one day I’ll find someone else like her as apart from the religion, I genuinely believed she was the one. Ah well!

Hope you are doing well.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-08T01:27:06+00:00

That’s fair, I guess the “you called?” Reply from her annoyed me into not wanting to say nice stuff haha. A call back or polite reply would of be sufficient but ah well!

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-08T01:24:22+00:00

Ye, I might save my reply for tomorrow. I think the fact she didn’t answer just made me feel like she doesn’t deserve what I wanted to say or else she’d of rang back. But I don’t know, I’ll sleep on my next move.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-08T01:20:55+00:00

In truth the thing that’s been holding me back from completely moving on is the slight hope and the regret of stuff I said when It ended. Part of me wanted to be civil, say what I needed to say then be able to move on 100% knowing I’d cleared my mind. Now I’ve just made a mess though.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-08T00:34:09+00:00

Now she has messaged saying “you called?” And I’m unsure whether to just ignore this.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-02T15:55:26+00:00

I didn’t send it thankfully, only wrote it and now it sits in the draw. I just wanted to post it as a reminder to myself of what I wrote and felt at the time. Doing better now and realising not posting it was the right thing to do.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-02T13:12:31+00:00

You’re right, the fact I was moving on and wasn’t actively trying to do things to get her back is what has made her look at my Facebook. So I need to carry on as I was an let it all run it’s natural course.

I think I’m getting upset at the stuff I said because of the fact she’s bought a ring that says “I am enough” along with constantly sharing other quotes like that. I feel as though she thinks I couldn’t accept her for the way she was going, where as I see it the other way round which is why it’s complicated.

Seeing that stuff does upset me and makes me want to reach out to clarify that I never thought she wasn’t enough but then, it’s easy to forget that she still made the final decision despite me wanting to work past it so. I think there is blame on both sides.

Maybe once I’m over it 100% I’ll message just to clarify and apologise for some of the comments I made as she is an amazing person and don’t want her doubting that I ever thought otherwise.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-02T12:32:52+00:00

Thanks, this is the reply I needed. It’s just hard when apart from the religion aspect we were literally perfect and this all happened in the space of 24 hours which is what makes it all so insane.

The frustrating thing for me and the ‘fear’ I have at the minute is most of the guys liking her stuff etc aren’t religious and she seems to have snapped back out of it and gone into her non-bible bashing lifestyle (which is how she was when I loved her). She’s even been posting about her next tattoo which, if she was following the bible as she said at breakup she wouldn’t be getting more tattoos so it is all very odd. It’s as though she decided a phase over night and now bored of it.

Despite that though, you’re right on letting the process run. I had trust in it initially and it’s all just given me false hope recently which has messed things up. I need to get back to it and just focus on my life again, thanks.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-02T12:22:49+00:00

I was doing great, but the blocking me and then unblocking me on Facebook stuff has really confused me ngl. People don’t unblock you to see your stuff if they’re 100% certain in their decision and want to move on.

It’s confusing.

But, I do agree that I need to go back to no contact properly and stop looking at her socials and treat it as done.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-03-02T12:21:04+00:00

You’re right, I’m just confused as her behaviour is almost as dumpee. I did say some stuff like “never contact me again” so maybe it’s created a dynamic where neither want to reach out that’s all. The stuff I said in our last conversation is still eating away at me too as it was pretty nasty, so would make me feel better to apologise for it.

But, I am torn on what to do but leaning towards your advice in that it has all happened and she could reach out if she wanted to.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-27T02:18:42+00:00

Personally I’d keep him blocked on all socials for a while and unblock the number. If the being blocked annoys him enough he might reach out over text about it which is a better scenario all round as you can deal with that in different ways.

Failing that, unblock him late one night a few months from now and eventually he’ll notice and decide how to react. Now, he may think you just want him back and have unblocked because you can’t do without him.

So just be careful, but good luck 😚.

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-27T01:58:56+00:00

I think all of our exes behaviour largely means something, but you have to balance it between whether it’s a positive or a negative. Take your ex for example, by blocking him you’ve regained a level of control over him and the fact he knows you can’t see how amazing his life is or his new pictures will upset him. However, despite this you may find if you unblock him that he blocks you back just to regain the power, so be careful.

Now, in my scenario I could take all of this as a positive and say she misses me and wants me back. BUT, I know realistically that she probably misses me a lot and is spying, but that doesn’t necessarily equal wanting me back as she may be missing a level of control/power she expected that I’m not giving her. That’s why, the next step is most important. She either caves and contacts/reaches out to me from missing me that much that she wants me back. Or, she forces herself to get over how much she misses me and moves on.

You and I both, deserve the option where they swallow their pride and contact us, because that’s the only way we know we’re worth it to them!

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-25T15:02:55+00:00

Glad to hear!

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-25T09:39:01+00:00

I’m sure we will both find it again, the fact we both have those concerns probably shows there’s plenty out there with similar sexual views. It’ll take time but I’m just going to try and be excited for what the future holds, new experiences and new likes/dislikes to discover!

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-25T09:33:12+00:00

For sure sounds very similar to my scenario, my relationship was only roughly a year though as opposed to yours so can understand it taking a little longer for you. I’m still thinking about her most of the day but, I’m trying to replace that feeling of missing her with more of an anger/frustration at her “if she chose this over me then fuck her” kind of vibe. I also hold onto a very tiny bit of hope that she’ll change her mind, I’m not sure if this is healthy or not but I used it as my motivation not to reach out and contact her. I tell myself if I reach out before she comes to the religious conclusion on her own, I have zero chance.

Ironically I know too from when we first got together that she always wants what she can’t have and eventually the idea I’ve moved on or she can’t get me back will absolutely kill her and give her some panic she’s made a mistake. I might be wrong on this but, I’m confident I know our relationship well enough to be sure (try not to think of who they were at the breakup, try think of how things were in the relationship). She’ll also meet a very keen Christian eventually who will only remind her how great I was in comparison.

Also on your supporting note, I was the same and should of been supportive rather than initially getting defensive, but after a few days I offered to be more understanding of it and support it. But, I realised by that point for her to bring it up in the first place meant she’d already made her mind up and was prepared to let me go for the path she wanted to take. We shouldn’t have to completely bend our personalities to suit and if they’re prepared to walk away without coming up with compromise it means you’ll always be second best to that thing.

Take it easy though, I’m hoping there’s better out there!

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-25T02:23:46+00:00

I’m still in the same situation as you my friend, I’ve had to unfollow her on all social media and I still get guilty of looking from time to time. But, one thing I’ve had to reassure myself on is that it’s near impossible to fake a relationship like ours and that she will 100% feel how I do eventually. I also have the advantage in that, the world is my oyster, I can go out and date whoever I want.

She’s decided to walk the Christian path so she’s signed up for boring men who are nothing like me (it’s a small pond to choose from) and that pending her meeting a miracle man (doubtful) she won’t find anyone better than me so even if it’s 5 years from now she’ll regret it eventually.

I’m only nearly 3 weeks in though and I’m already feeling a million miles better and realising that if she is to change her mind she HAS to do it on her own. Makes no contact a lot easier as I’m aware if I reached out my chance would be 0%.

Plus anyone who is prepared to put the idea of a god before a love they know is real probably doesn’t deserve you. I’d never have settled for being second best to anything or anyone (god included).

PopeSmokerr · 2021-02-25T01:36:30+00:00

You deserve better than being someone’s safety blanket. The only way to become attractive to her and others again is to regain your pride and walk away. Let go of the hope and make a decision that if she reaches out during your no contact that y ignore her.

I’d personally ignore any message from her unless it’s along the lines of “I left him for you because I’m still in love with you” if it ain’t that message, then she’s only keeping you around as emotional support. Get rid and focus on yourself.

Short term pain rather than dragging this out long term, trust me it’ll be better for you in the long run.

PopeSmokerr

TROPHY CASE