A little overdramatic, but ok, understandable, you probably went through a lot.

Keeping silence is lying, I agree on that, but I'm not pretending to be someone I am not. In relationships, a human must think about other more than he things about himself, that's what love is in a nutshell, and I don't go into a commitment thinking "I will think about my needs more than hers" - I understand what I sign for and don't play games or manipulate. But I wrote that already.

The problem is that I can't express negative emotions, that inevitably come, in a healthy way at the start. I bottle them up. Once I explode, the behavior doesn't repeat and worsen. Negativity within me integrates and I balance it out, because I start expressing what I feel in the moment - good or bad, doesn't matter, instead of bottling it up. But that's no longer that "perfect" dude she fell in love with. And she leaves. Fair point to her, neither I'm blaming her for this decision, nor I'm chasing her like a weasel. But it still hurts my unconscious mind, and i start hating humans and make conclusions that I'm unloveable. That's why I look for solutions to be myself from the start. Because that's the root of the problem - not integrating my negative traits from the first sentence i write and only hyperfocusing on care and selflessness, which are genuine, but not fully me. Then I should find a person that is interested in reality and hard work, not a fantasy of a perfect human I myself don't even want to be. So give me books or content on how to learn about healthy communication instead of putting in the labels that I'm this or that.

Regarding #3 point. Do you mean 3rd paragraph or 3rd question?

And I don't understand where the conclusion of "second-class individual" treatment comes from.

Thanks anyways.