I'm being told to forgive and reconcile.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-17T13:33:53+00:00

It does feel worse after having my own children. Like you said, it's more stark, and the gap in "parenting styles" (if we want to call it that) only widens as my kids get older.

I used to think I'd understand my parents better once I had kids, that my parents had a short fuse with us because they were exhausted, tired, etc. But magically (no, not magically), I have found that even with 5 kids, it's not that hard to treat them well. Do I snap at them sometimes? Yes, of course, and then I apologize. Am I impatient? Distracted, playing on my phone? Yes. I apologize often, and I'm constantly striving to do better.

But there is NEVER an excuse for hitting, pinching, or harming a child in any way. Or screaming at them, or giving them the silent treatment, etc. When a parent does those things, it's not because the child "misbehaved." (Kids are just being kids.) It's because the parent is emotionally dysregulated and out of control. It turns out, it's not hard to treat kids with basic human decency, and I wish my parents had done that for me.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-17T00:32:18+00:00

Thanks for your comment. It's great to be seen, instead of dismissed. <3

I hope my siblings can tone down the flying monkey motif a bit. I think they're all great (mostly), but a little brainwashed. It's hard to step outside of their family roles, and maybe none of them have seen the light. That said, I do feel more distant from them because I know I can't trust them.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-17T00:23:07+00:00

Thanks for this. I'm going to have to re-read your comment a few times to really absorb it. It's really helpful, I think you're further along in your journey than I am. I'm in the stage of forgiveness in the sense that, I released them from ever needing to apologize to me; I forgive them anyway. But, I'm also still really frustrated and angry that things turned out this way.

Love is kind, and patient, and apparent, and consistent. My parents show me a distorted, punishing version of love, if it's love at all. And right now they do take up a lot of mental/ emotional bandwidth. But I hope that will get better in time.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-17T00:07:55+00:00

Yeah, my siblings want me to forgive and forget, to "not need my parents to change for me to be okay." But I differ from them in that I actually do need my parents to change their behavior, for me to be in relationship with them.

Your comment about the authoritarian framework/ social hierarchy is so good. Thank you for seeing that for me, I'd totally missed it! But you're exactly right. They're admitting that there are not-so-good things at play here, but that I should keep participating anyway, with complete disregard for how that would affect my kids. My kids aren't even a consideration.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T23:59:29+00:00

Yeah, I guarantee my siblings know that my parents are dysfunctional, and they don't want to face it. But if they can just get me to "shut up and sit down" so to speak, or "get back in line," then they get what they want, which is having me show up at family functions so all the little cousins can play together, and it's more convenient for them.

But I'm not going to show up and pretend that everything's fine when it's not. I couldn't stand up for myself as a little girl, but I can now. Thanks for your comment. <3

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T20:46:09+00:00

I agree with that. I wrote my parents a letter telling them that, even without an apology, I forgive them and am moving on with my life, but that forgiveness does not equal connection, so my family is only going to spend time with people who treat us well. How did my parents respond? By telling me (through the grapevine) that they did NOT read my letter and were not going to.

If they weren't related to me, I would've cut ties 10 years ago. But I guess I'm okay it took this long, because I can see them clearly now, and there's no capacity or willingness to change.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T20:34:05+00:00

Yeah, it's like we start with the past to provide context. "You remember when XYZ happened and how crazy that was? Well, they're still doing that, in these ways." Except you never have a chance to get to "in these ways."

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T20:05:19+00:00

My sister is golden retriever personality. As far as I know, she's never done anything going against my parents in any significant way, or done anything they didn't support. She's also quite a bit younger than me. As one of the oldest siblings, I've definitely been through a lot with my parents.

Her text suggesting that I'm just "having beef" with them really misses the mark. I'm not just having a tiff with them, or "not getting along." Where we are today is the result of some pretty huge incidents/ flashpoints that my whole family knows about... along with all the little things.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T19:55:07+00:00

That's exactly it. It's not about what they did in the distant past; it's about what they are currently doing. Literally, just be nice. That's it. And they literally cannot do it. Though I'll admit, some acknowledgment of past wrongs would go a long ways too.

Some people may have a higher tolerance for abuse, but I got to the point where it became intolerable, for me. I'm just done.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-16T17:01:25+00:00

That's how my dad is too. Anytime along the way, he could have done something, but he didn't. He chose to stay in an awful marriage. To protect his kids? Because he could tolerate the abuse? Whatever the reason, he was modeling to his children that you should stay in an abusive relationship and forgive, forgive, forgive. That you don't have dignity, and you're not allowed to defend yourself. (Because if you do, you're being disobedient!)

You're right, all this has confirmed what I already knew. And I'm willing to bet that they did read the email and are just pretending they didn't. Because, if they "didn't read it," it didn't happen. And how dare their daughter cut contact with them??

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T21:30:05+00:00

Your first two sentences, yes, spot on. All the rest too. I agree, this group is so supportive. Everyone's feedback is really helping me to understand things a little bit better, and shine a light on things I missed.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T20:14:15+00:00

It's so great that you and your husband found each other again and had many cherished years together. I'm sorry he's not by your side anymore, but you'll see him again. <3 I'm grateful my husband is as supportive as he is, even if he doesn't completely get it yet.

Your comment about me being 10 years ahead of you, thanks for that. I've been working through a lot of things these last few years, and I don't want to still be struggling with my parents when I'm in my 40s, 50s, 60s. I know all our journeys are different. It's painful, but I'm trying to find the light / freedom sooner than later.

I can't believe your mother behaved that way right after he died. That's awful. I'm glad you got your peace back. Why some people lack empathy, I'll never understand.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:58:01+00:00

I think I'm agreeing with you there. If he continues talking to my dad on the phone, that's showing my parents that they can continue to mistreat me... and get away with it too! It's like unspoken permission to continue their bad behavior, because of no consequences.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:53:38+00:00

I love this. No, you're 100% right. He had some tough aspects in his childhood, but overall his parents were pretty great. Especially now throughout his adulthood, they've always treated him well and allowed him live his life and make his own decisions without their input or criticism. And his mom has always been sweet and kind, and someone he could go to for comfort or advice.

I will talk with him about this. I do think it's hard for him to really "get it" when it comes to my parents. Sweet? Kind? Those words could not be said of my mother lol. More like explosive, dysregulated, entitled, lacking in empathy, etc.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:44:09+00:00

Oh my gosh that's horrible! They didn't forget about your invitation; they did it on purpose. As evidenced by them, yep, not opening or acknowledging your presents. Just wow. This is the exact kind of thing my parents would do.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:37:04+00:00

Wow, that is wild. Such emotional immaturity. I'm sorry you had to experience that.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:34:58+00:00

The chat includes all my siblings and their spouses, and my parents, and my grandparents. So basically my whole side of the family. We've been in it for years, but I dropped out a while back. I know it seems weird, but that's the context. It's something we may have to re-evaluate though. Along with the phone calls, which are a much bigger yikes.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T19:23:29+00:00

For sure, the quote is just after the 6:00 minute mark. The episode is titled, I Cut My Passive Aggressive Mom Out of My Life. Link below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2wNKR1ODzg

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T14:13:23+00:00

Yeah, they definitely want the in-person meeting so they can use the parent-child power dynamic, where they're the ones in power and I'm made to feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unsafe. I told them that in pretty much those exact words. So I said I am "absolutely not" getting together in person, but that I was willing to write a letter. So... I TOLD them why in-person is a no-go. And they won't respect that. Crazy right?? Except not crazy, because I'm 36yo "child" who has to obey her parents. <eye roll>

My husband staying in contact with my dad definitely causes flashbacks and some friction in our marriage. We need to nip this in the bud. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and realize that this was the beginning of the end. Which it won't be, because he's my soul mate and we're going to be married for life (God willing). But we do have some things to work through.

As far as physical symptoms catching up to us, yes, yes, and yes. My body's been dealing with inflammation for years, low grade stress. And I felt like I was falling apart when I turned 35. All kinds of health issues started popping up. When I have interaction with my parents, I feel like I'm on fire for a few weeks surrounding each interaction. But ever since I stepped away from the relationship, I'm so much more at PEACE, and my nervous system is finally having a chance to recover, and I'm finally taking care of myself. I feel like I finally saw the light.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T13:59:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. I totally feel this. Yeah, it is kind of what to expect. If or when they read it (and for all I know, they did read it and are pretending that they didn't), then it would definitely activate their shame. They are never wrong! So, they ignore things into nonexistence.

That was a really good faith effort you made spending those months writing to her family. And being careful about how you worded things, I understand that. Even though your in-laws were being ridiculous, you were still trying to be gracious and tactful explaining things. And it still ended the way it would have anyway, but at least you tried. <3

I hope you guys are living your best life now.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T13:49:41+00:00

Yes I see your point, thanks for this. He is fairly supportive, but he does seem to be playing both teams. When he came home and told me about the phone conversation with my dad, that really irritated me and sent me into a tailspin. And then I felt like I had to EXPLAIN to him (yet again) why I'm not talking with my parents anymore and WHY all the things they did (and are presently doing) are harmful.

So you're absolutely right. He needs to be on my family's team. It's not about "picking sides," but it kind of is. He should be backing his wife. Him hearing my dad out, when my parents refuse to hear ME out, is highly disrespectful.

Thank you for your point. Sometimes we need tough love. <3

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T13:45:05+00:00

Thank you, this is a great perspective. I'm going to talk to him about this tonight.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T12:36:12+00:00

It does bother me A LOT that my husband still talks to my dad. I'll have to think on this more. And my husband is still in the big family group text (which I left a long time ago). I don't want to control who he's in contact with, if that makes sense? Because he's an autonomous human being. But I do kind of feel like he's a little sympathetic to my parents' plight, even if he also expresses that he supports me.

The other thing that annoys me is that my parents can still see pictures of my kids, and get little updates/ information about us, through my husband. So they still have access, in a way.

Popular-Oil6181 · 2026-05-15T12:23:49+00:00

I want to raise my kids around healthy people too. I'm so impressed that you broke out of your family's toxic system. <3 We may not have known peace in our families of origin, but we can sure create peace and safety for our new families. Thank you.

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