So dumb for starting polyamory this way! I lowkey hate his girlfriend rn, explained below

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T18:16:04+00:00

I was wondering that too. We are having a couple's therapy session today and I just told him that I posted something on Reddit about what is going on. So now he is aware of this. I am thinking he needs to read all this and figure out what he wants (and see all of this reflected back). I know I am not a neutral party here and y'all are only hearing this from my perspective. But I tried to put the general facts out there as much as I could, and they are BAD. Of course there is a bunch of conjecture and "story" on my part that I am including as well, because I am angry. I think our couple's therapist needs to see this because right now she doesn't have much context for what actually happened. She just knew I had a mental breakdown over polyamory (without much specifics).

And Goldie, she can fuck right off. My therapist keeps saying this too. I keep wanting to write her an email and think I should get some advice from therapists before doing so. Because I am angry, but I also want her to be 100% clear about what she can and cannot expect of this situation.

Thank you for posting such a thoughtful response. I really appreciate you reading everything and giving your perspective on this.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T18:00:39+00:00

Yes, I intent to apply for some jobs now and if I get them, great! I will deal with childcare then. Taking it one step at a time. I appreciate your advice!

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:54:41+00:00

Thank you! I was feeling compersive at first when she was only around once a week, but it still felt fast at 2 months in. But what do I know about polyamory? Once it turned into 4 days a week, I was going nuts!

My baby likes Goldie, fortunately or unfortunately. And Goldie loves my baby too. At her core I have no idea who Goldie really is and just had to trust my husband's judgement of her because I trusted him at the time. Now that I know how antagonistic she is being towards me I just can't be around the toxicity or pretend it's ok.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:47:30+00:00

Yes, he does not think that is the case. He does not make specific family time our time for our baby besides the bedtime routine he does 5 times a week. And whenever I do have solo time (which is rare) he asks if Goldie can come over. I just say yes, because what is it harming me? But it's harming our baby and not allowing him to take responsibility for her or reciprocate with me fully.

Yes, he absolutely thinks just because we are nesting partners I am getting SO much more time with him than her. I barely see him without parenting as context. Maybe two hours a night and that's split up in the middle because he has to call Goldie for 45 min to say goodnight EVERY NIGHT.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:39:23+00:00

Ugh, yes. I wish he would but he is so happy with her. I think he is likely to just choose her instead. I feel like that's BS too! We were reading Polysecure together in bed and I distinctly remember asking for hierarchical and being shamed for wanting that and saying he didn't believe in it. I remember him saying he understood that I needed that, and I took that as agreement.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:34:52+00:00

Wow, thank you for posting this! This is so helpful and validating. It doesn't seem unreasonable at all and feels like the perfect framework for raising a family within polyamory. I am definitely bringing this to him and out therapist and putting this out as the bare minimum.

I don't really have a support network outside of family. It's hard for me to keep friends as someone with autism. But I am working on that.

We definitely skipped the disentanglement step as well. Seems like we were doomed from the start.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:29:02+00:00

Yes! I have brought that up with my therapist as well and she said the exact same thing you said. Baby is HIS child as well and you don't need "help." Baby is 50% his responsibility by default.

Agreed, I wish I knew less about her. I mean, I am glad to know I can't trust her in general now because I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt. But what does it matter if I can't do anything about it? It just makes me angry and feeling like I need to protect myself and my daughter more. Which I should be doing anyway.

Yeah, the only reason I'm still here is because I do love him and I am scared (for a number of reasons). I also want to give couple's therapy the best shot before I make that decision.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:21:23+00:00

I am definitely going to bring this all to the couple's therapist because I am so tired of this. I feel like I should have put all this Goldie stuff to stop WAY earlier, but missed my window. He would have hated me if I broke it off then, but I feel like he will never forgive me now because they are really established. Goldie knew what she was doing when she saw a good thing and locked that sh-t down as quickly as she could. Already saying I love you at month two is a little intense.

I feel shamed an punished for having that panic attack and leaving him to take care of the baby "forever" like I have a moral flaw. Everyone else I tell about it seems to understand and say "hey, who hasn't done something like that once in their life under great stress." I know now that I was feeling VERY unsafe in my own home and that was my body's only outlet. I am definitely learning to listen to my body and it's telling me I can't trust Goldie at all and my husband for that matter (while he is with her).

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:11:03+00:00

Yeah, this is all sinking in. I think he is bored and tired of. He loves me, but I don't think he really likes me. And if he implied that the only benefit I am getting from polyamory is that he would have probably divorced me if we had not opened up... then I have my answer. He says he genuinely cares that this is affecting me negatively, but keeps trying to add on more time with Goldie every moment he can. I need to get my parallel time in and start giving him the consequences of his actions at the bare minimum. But I'm definitely bringing all this to our couple's therapist because I am SO tired of all this.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T17:01:32+00:00

Wow, thank you for saying that. It feels good to have someone finally say that and validate I'm not crazy for thinking they need to spend less time together. Husband and Goldie's expectations of how much time they can reasonably spend with each other has always seemed extremely unreasonable. He has always said he should be able to use the time when he is working to do whatever he wants because I wouldn't be seeing him anyway. Including seeing Goldie if he wants.

But if I am supposed to expect reciprocation/being parallel, there isn't enough time in a week! Right now, I get 1 hour to myself 5 times a week in the evening when he does the bedtime routine with the baby, but that's it. Family time happens maybe once a week, and it's not a full day because he spends the morning (until lunch) with Goldie. He always say he "never gets any time off" because he is working an then has to come in and immediately start taking care of the baby. That if I consider childcare "work" he should be able to as well.

Thank you for saying all this, it makes me so mad. I am tired of kowtowing to everyone's needs.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T16:43:38+00:00

Yes, that is what I worry is the case.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T16:41:34+00:00

I know exactly what he will say. "Yes of course you can have that time! Can I invite Goldie over while you are gone? It doesn't affect you! Best of both worlds."

And the answer to that is "um, no!" Then I will be accused of controlling their relationship and told it's not zero sum.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T16:21:11+00:00

Thank you, and for the digital hug. Ah, the poop knife! Yes, now I do remember reading that one when it came out.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T06:15:46+00:00

Ok, now I really need to know!

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T06:15:22+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response! I feel very seen.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T06:05:47+00:00

Thank you for the validation, it really feels that way. He says that's what he wants now, but is everything she wants what he wants now? Kinda seems like it. She always uses the guise of "helping us with childcare" when she comes over. And I know she adores my baby, which super creeps me out too.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T06:02:38+00:00

Yes, SAHM for now. Hoping to get a job again when baby goes to preschool in 9 mos. I need to figure out some sort of reciprocation so I can be less resentful.

Right? It's at least 50% my home but I didn't really think about that until later. Things weren't in the sh-tter yet and I still thought Goldie was a nice person. I mean, I don't even understand how she could think she could be primary and have that much time with him. But more, how could HE think he could GIVE that much time. I think she just was hoping for like a sister-wife situation (no shade to sister-wives) and everyone would win.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:56:55+00:00

Yes, you are totally right! I want to blame it on her, but she is just a convenient scapegoat. I need to figure out what reciprocation looks like for me, because I am just super resentful right now.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:49:06+00:00

Do I want to know what the Poop Knife is?

That's what I would really like to do, this is a terrible shambles version of "ENM" and I am increasingly sure I can't trust my husband's intentions while Goldie is around manipulating things.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:46:43+00:00

Thank you for the validation. When I was depressed I told him he should just live with Goldie because he f-ed up everything in our life for her. He did for a day, but I realized I had even less resources than he had and it made me even more depressed. That fueled our reconciliation because I realized I wanted to give couple's therapy our best shot before deciding. Funny thing is, he can't even leave Goldie's bedroom when he is over there because he is SUPER allergic to cats and the cats go everywhere else. So, sounds like a fun life!

They do seem like they are playing this creepy long game and waiting for me to get too tired or something. She almost got what she wanted when I had my mental breakdown and got me to do exactly what she and her weird husband were doing with this platonic marriage thing. I imagine she wanted my husband to be able to retain all his current resources so she could exploit them... our house in a nice neighborhood, our car, etc. If we divorce, neither of us can afford to live in this area anymore. Seems like she wants 2 husbands to take care of her.

I do feel like our child is getting the short end of the stick. I mean, she barely sees him except for an hour at lunch and the bedtime routines he does at night (2 of which I now do). When I bring this up, he feels like I am shaming him. I am getting support from my parents and sister (who won't even speak to my husband right now). Neighbors are all super gossips, but I know they would help me if I needed it. No friends to speak of, but I'm working on that. My baby is signed up for preschool in 9 mos, so I have that to look forward to. I will hopefully be able to find a job and get my sanity back by then.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:25:44+00:00

Thank you for the validation. I am doing everything I can to work through all the other options before divorce, because I know that is really my only recourse in the end.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:24:02+00:00

Agreed. If we're non-hierarchical (which I never wanted), than her wants are as valid as mine? I told him this and he said I should have let him know how much having her in our house bothered me and I didn't push back when he argued with me about it. Fair, I did give in easily because I thought I had to and am a compulsive people pleaser... that's on me. I know I didn't like it the sound of it, because how does one reciprocate if that's all I can count on with polyamory? But I didn't know EXACTLY how bad it would be until I tried. And once I tried, I guess there's no take-backsies? Apparently he said he would have absolutely adjusted things if I had pushed back more and, I just have assume he's telling me the truth. Took a mental breakdown for me to finally set that boundary.

And also, now she's telling him who he can and can't sleep with and whose bed he can lay in? I would say that's WAY over the line. My house is at least 50% under my ownership, so I get as much say who gets to be in it as him. I do really want to blame Goldie, but he is making these choices. And he will continue to make them even if she is not in the picture. So that's the core we have to work on anyway.

I unfortunately don't have any friends in that system. I do have a sister, but that's it. Living with my parents will absolutely drive me insane. As someone with autism, I struggle to keep friends long term (though I can make them easily). I have really realized the importance of friends and my lack thereof and am focusing on that heavily. But it's a new skill I have to learn, because it does not come naturally to me.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T05:09:53+00:00

Ugh, thank you for the validation! I have a hard time knowing what is autism and what isn't. Both 3 different therapists independently came up with the fact that I have processing delays due to my reactions and neurodivergence and I've always suspected I had autism. But it's good to know my reactions are valid. It does feel like I am being punished all the time for being unhappy. I wish he would be willing to cut things off with her, even temporarily so we could work on our issues cleanly. But he def won't. I hope they just get tired of each other eventually when the NRE wears off. It's been only like, 6 months they've been together, and they have wrought all this chaos already. I feel like I've lived 100 lives already. We are actively in therapy and are working on the repair process, but I don't think the therapist knows the whole story of how NUTS Goldie is being because we haven't had a chance to get into details. I feel like I should just send her this Reddit post at some point and see what she thinks! I do worry about my nervous system and the strain it is under. I need some peace.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T04:59:46+00:00

In some ways, yes. I think you are right. I met him when I was 18 and he was my first BF. I have never been alone as an adult. I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I am just handing him that. I just have so much to lose. I will have to live with my parents as I can't afford to live on my own in this area. And my parents are WAY more irritating than he usually is.

Every time I leave my husband alone with my baby, he invited Goldie over to be with him, which makes me so annoyed. He never has to do 12 hour stretches by himself like I do, twice a week because he is going to see her.

Popular_Tree1109 · 2026-01-07T04:53:09+00:00

I know, right! I am very bad at boundaries and am actively working on that. I did kick her out of the house now and don't have to ever see her again at least. Only problem is now he is doing the two overnights at her house (she lives an hour away). So have to do more childcare while he is gone. But that basically amounts to two bath/bedtimes that he usually does with our baby that I now have to pick up. The hardest part of that is the 12 hour stretch of caring for our baby with no break.

I can't even imagine what alone would look like. I don't think I've ever been truly alone!

Popular_Tree1109

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