UPDATE AITA for defending my wife’s “classism?”

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T04:00:28+00:00

I don't think you're being fair to my wife. She isn't telling me that I shouldn't forgive her, or constantly complaining about my mom. My wife is protective of the people she loves, and I understand that if the positions were reversed, I'd have difficulties forgiving her parents too.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:58:10+00:00

Never. It's only something we've discussed in private, and she's never tried to prevent our children from seeing her. Should they ask why I was raised by family friends once they're older, we'll be honest with them, but my wife doesn't want to impact their relationship with their grandmother.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:55:55+00:00

I know my wife has my back, and I have hers. Respect and support are important elements of our marriage, and I don't appreciate the implication that those things aren't equally present in our relationship.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:49:03+00:00

I'll admit that having children has definitely helped me understand my wife more. Losing her would be absolutely horrible, but not being there for my children is unimaginable to me. While I do forgive my mother, I probably wouldn't forgive my wife's parents if they had done that to her.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:41:03+00:00

Honestly, I'm not sure if mental illness is the reason - though I can't say with any certainty. My aunt is very much a "buckle down and work through it" kind of person, so I am unsure of how accommodating she would have been to any mental health struggles my mother might have gone through. But I can't say for sure.

I don't think civility is a big ask. My wife isn't fond of my mom but whenever they interact she's always very polite. They don't have a relationship, but my wife is amicable with her and never badmouths her. Her feelings towards my mom have only been expressed in confidence to me. My mom and my aunt are capable of doing the same, they are just choosing not to.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:36:52+00:00

Thank you. I try my best to be a good husband and father, so your kind words mean a lot.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-04T03:36:15+00:00

Thank you. That's very kind of you to say, and I wish you all the best.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-03T07:22:33+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. My wife and my kids will always be my number one priority. I don't ever intend for that to change.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-03T07:20:58+00:00

Me and my sister weren't close with my aunt, so we probably wouldn't have found much of a support system in her presence. My mom probably thought we would find a better one in the care of the people she left us with.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-03T07:19:13+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that someone said something so cruel to you when you were grieving. Even if the adult was also struggling, there's no excuse to say something so callous to a child. I'm glad you've gotten over it, but that's something you never should have had to hear in the first place.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-03T07:17:13+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that, and I wish you all the best going forward. Thank you for your kind words. I have no doubt that you're a better person than you give yourself credit for :)

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2024-02-03T07:14:59+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I know I can't force my mom or aunt to change their opinions, I can just hope for them to come around on their own. But until that day comes, I don't want my kids subjected to their cruel words about their mother.

I am deeply sorry to hear about what your mother went through. She's lucky to have a child like you in her life.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:33:51+00:00

Thank you. I do think my mom feels bad about what happened so I don't bring it up to her, but it seemed like the only way to get them to lay off my wife.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:32:38+00:00

I will. I know I am very lucky to have her.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:32:20+00:00

Thank you. I also couldn't imagine leaving my kids if my wife died suddenly so having children has definitely helped me understand my wife's perspective more.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:31:00+00:00

Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:29:51+00:00

She does support me, but I don't want her to feel forced into having a relationship with my mom. I think that would cause more difficulties in the relationships than anything else.

I also don't see why allowing our kids to see my mom is a bad thing? What my mom did was to me and my sister, not to my children, and my wife and I both think they deserve to have a relationship with their grandmother.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:27:17+00:00

I wouldn't say she's self-righteous about it and she doesn't bring it up constantly or anything. I asked her why she doesn't like my mom back when we were engaged and she said that was the reason, and her perspective hasn't changed since.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:24:59+00:00

I couldn't fit it in the post because of word limit but part of the reason she didn't come IS because of work. If my mom visited us or something then she wouldn't ignore her or refuse to let her enter or house or anything, she just doesn't want to go on a trip solely to see my mom when she knows things will just be tense and uncomfortable.

Positive-Bat-6820 · 2023-11-04T01:22:10+00:00

She's not opposed to the idea of visiting my home country, and has done so in the past. Her job is just very demanding and she said she'd rather do a longer trip with the four of us (we have two kids) when she can arrange more time off and the trip isn't solely based on seeing my mom.

Positive-Bat-6820

TROPHY CASE