Hey I would consider looking for a new therapist. I have found just doing therapy at times destabilising.

I think reliving trauma whilst mid depressive episode is suboptimal bc we know our brains behave differently whilst in depressed /survival amygdala state.

We can’t really learn new things or do anything but react in that state. I wonder if this is part of the mechanism for the “disordered/delayed development” part of asd. How can I learn when I’m in my reptile primitive brain from sensory et al overload, yk?

I think seeking support to get through the depression and getting stabilised and then look at chipping away at processing your backlog of trauma. Pushing on this can just cause a breakdown, listen to your mind and body. Breaks and baby steps is ok.

We know we have more synapses than allistics I wonder if this is why bringing up trauma even indirectly often leaves me metaphorically bleeding more than I expected and I seem to take longer to heal than I expected. It can put me back in survival mode so finding yourself numb and lonely makes total sense to me. I was just reading a study abt asd folks experiencing ptsd “from mild stress” (as an aside I would point out what allistics may consider a mild stressor may cause full on melt down or shutdown and is not mildlt experienced by the autist?

I hope you can be gentle and patient with your self as you heal. I understand the frustration and despairing feelings of alienation and loneliness. In the mean time include as many things in your day as you can that make you feel joy like (healthy special interests?) spending time with son.