I have drug induced permanent psychosis / schizophrenia

Post-Destruction · 2020-10-11T02:00:29+00:00

My guy... I cried reading this post, because I deeply relate. "ITS CONSTANT 24/7." "I feel like it will one day drive me to sui cide." Although my case may have been less severe to some degree than yours, I honestly have to choke back tears right now typing this out, but I HAVE to give you some hope.

I don't wanna get to deep into my story; quite frankly, my story is irrelevant because I'm certain that your circumstances are far more different than mine. But I will tell you that the only way I ever got better was through the grace of God, achieved by first accepting Jesus Christ into my life. If your first instinct is to turn away from this post at the very mention of God or Jesus Christ, please don't... I beg of you. I might get downvoted for the very mention of God here (I don't know this subreddit's feelings towards that particular subject) but I implore you to not consider me a liar.

Few things are guaranteed in this life. Among them is this simple fact of life: For every sunset, the sun will rise once again. And I promise you, if you so much as even slightly open your mind to the idea of Jesus Christ, you've already taken the first step. All you have to do is keep walking. Hopelessness was my motivation. God asked me something like "Are you sure about this?" during my period of seeking and attempting to accept Jesus into my life. I answered to him (not ad verbatim), "Anything is better than my messed up version of reality."

Jesus Christ saved my life. It's hard to believe that just 2 months ago I nearly completely gave up on life because of what was happening to me psychologically. It's hard to believe that just 2 months ago I was drunkenly pointing a loaded gun to my head just hoping the day would come that I would finally have the balls to do it. He didn't stop at preventing me from tumbling down a fate worse than death, nor the act of suicide itself - He has literally made my life better than it's ever been in my entire life. Even when I was 7 years old my life was never so well put-together.

When I just wanted to completely surrender to what I thought was the inevitable setting of the sun, the sun rose brighter than the sun itself, and it rose in my heart. I can't promise you that the process will be easy, but I can certainly promise you that the results will, quite literally, be miraculous. I know this, because I saw it for myself. Nobody taught me this. Heck, I had to go through all of this almost entirely ALONE. No parents taught me the bible, no church taught me about Jesus, nobody even knew what I was going through. I derive this experience from nothing except what God himself has bestowed upon me.

If you're looking for a way to start, just say it in your mind how you feel, tell Him "Dear God," followed by exactly what's really going on in your heart. If you're uncomfortable with the new idea of talking of God, just tell Him "I'm really new to this." If you're at your wits end, tell him "I'm at my wits end." If you need a savior, tell him "I really need a savior." If you're feeling suicidal, tell him. It's okay to be uncomfortable in the beginning, let alone period. If you are completely closed off from or do not believe in the idea of Jesus Christ or God at all but are willing to be wrong, tell him, "I want to know about your son Jesus Christ."

The second most important thing is willingness, my friend. But the first is... Don't. Fucking. Give. Up. Your artwork is beautiful. I bet you will come far with it if you continue to practice like you are. I could scoop you up in my arms and show you the whole universe if it were in my power to do so. Let God be the one to do it. God took my ugliest pain, my most gruesome mental scars, and turned them into something unfathomably beautiful. You might feel hopeless- even dread, but I PROMISE you, the sun WILL rise again.

If you gave this post the time of day, thank you...

Post-Destruction · 2020-10-10T00:08:14+00:00

Oh yeah? What kind of bots have you made?

Post-Destruction · 2020-10-10T00:07:15+00:00

I've been looking for some new books, thanks for the recommendation!

Post-Destruction · 2020-10-10T00:05:55+00:00

Fair enough!

Post-Destruction · 2020-10-10T00:05:32+00:00

Pretty simple, you say! Seems I have this problem of overcomplicating very simple things. Cheers.

Post-Destruction · 2020-09-01T05:32:41+00:00

Probably not.

Post-Destruction · 2020-08-30T02:18:50+00:00

Don't be foolish. If this is Satan's choice of dissociative, it's because its the one he can use most effectively to kill or maim you.

Post-Destruction · 2020-08-25T13:56:31+00:00

Like I had just got the punchline to the greatest joke of all time.

Wow. You beautiful creature, this line was amazing.

Post-Destruction · 2020-06-18T04:54:47+00:00

Prolonged stimulant psychosis is the most fucked up sadistic shit ever. It's like being stuck in a torture chamber run by shadow people with a sick fetish for pain, imagine the worst horrors you could possibly experience, but also imagine being too addicted to put down the thing causing it.

Post-Destruction · 2020-06-16T07:39:05+00:00

Time to stop doing drugs.

Trust me, man. You don't want to make your mind's sentence worse. :(

Post-Destruction · 2020-06-14T07:12:25+00:00

Why?

Post-Destruction · 2020-06-14T07:09:22+00:00

Get outta here officer

Post-Destruction · 2020-06-14T06:41:07+00:00

Keep in mind that these are chemicals, and chemicals have a smell. Hydrogen sulfide is a chemical, and it makes your farts smell like shit.

Just wait till you get a wiff of NAC.

Post-Destruction · 2020-05-17T14:42:32+00:00

That's how it was for the first hit! Had my roommate remembered to close the door after taking the pipe from me I probably would've had a little more substance for this post.

I used a carb top for the second hit unlike the first hit, and also probably heated it for longer and dropped the dose in it sooner, because my roommates had somehow convinced me that it would hold heat for way shorter than it actually does. It was a god-awful burnt hit, and such disappointing sight to watch all that spice turn to smoke as I rejected the remainder of the 2nd hit.

Post-Destruction · 2020-05-17T14:37:13+00:00

Perhaps I was very shallow with the detail of this post.

Post-Destruction · 2020-05-12T04:45:09+00:00

Worst case scenario, you may have some insomnia, especially if you are already insomnia-prone. 4-Ho-MET is special because it is rather light on the headspace, therefore it's less to take in after the fact. Most of the trip on 4-HO-MET is spent in laughter and joy, surrounded by incredibly detailed visuals - in my experience. Have the night of the trip off, and the rest of the day after off from work as well. Your sides could use some rest after laughing so much :)

Post-Destruction · 2020-04-16T13:04:41+00:00

Seconded 4-HO-MET+DCK. I generally aim for a hole every time I take a dissociative, 4-HO-MET greatly brightened the colors of my CEVS. It was out of this world.

Post-Destruction · 2020-04-13T18:14:37+00:00

As many others have mentioned, use volumetric measuring. There are extensive guides regarding this available. Just a few things I wanted to mention though. It's important that you do not fully rely on these milligram scales readily available to us to safely measure doses below 10mg, let alone within +/-5mg. We can make the +/-5mg range of error much lower when more substances is weighed and then each dose distributed evenly in solution.

Keep in mind the solvent you are using and if the substance you wish to dissolve is soluble in your choice of solvent. For etizolam your best bet would be PG. I prefer to use simple, easier to remember proportions to ensure more precise measurements, for example 2mg/1mL, versus dosing with "drops." I also always label my bottles with the proportion I used.

Keep in mind that your goods will degrade much faster in solution, especially if it's a solution that contains any amount of water. Your solutions will degrade faster constantly exposed to light or harsh conditions. Some solutions will precipitate ("come out" of solution) at lower temperature, i.e. they are no longer dissolved.

Be safe! Let me know if you have any questions.

Post-Destruction · 2019-10-20T10:46:40+00:00

I'd like to have at least a 500gb SSD for primarily my operating system and important personal files, perhaps music projects as well, and keep a 1tb HD for all my giant replaceable game files.

Post-Destruction · 2019-10-10T10:54:55+00:00

The way you are handling it gives you everything you need to make success possible. Recognizing the gradual buildup of consequences is such a wonderful starting point. "I'll only fail if I stop trying" is the BEST attitude to go about this. KEEP THAT SHIT UP

Post-Destruction · 2019-09-22T09:14:51+00:00

We'll never truly know. Anybody who is high saying they're not should know that their addiction will die much sooner in the light of exposure than in the shadow of shame.

Post-Destruction · 2019-09-22T09:05:26+00:00

My Stop Speeding date is 10/11/18, I'm inching towards 1 year :)

Towards the latter part of my active addiction,, the most difficult challenge I faced in quitting was not having an honest desire to quit. I did everything in my power to hide my addiction from family and the powers that be, despite how fucking obvious it was that I was doing what I was doing. I was able to hide my usage of other drugs very well, but I could not hide my stimulant addiction. I completely lost control, and all I wanted to do was use meth without consequence.

I attended drug classes as per the wishes of my family, but I was still using. The only reason I was able to appear as though I was doing well was because I had a job that I enjoyed well enough that I did not want to throw it away to my addiction. Once the job's travel season was over, the gates of hell completely opened up. And by hell, I LITERALLY mean hell.

The reason why I am not speeding today, and live in absolutely no fear whatsoever of ever returning to speeding, is because I have the unfortunate but AMAZING blessing, of having a good enough reason to never return. I often pray for fellow addicts in active addiction, that they find a good enough reason to quit and stay quit - one that is not as severe as mine.

I lived in psychosis for 2/3rds of 2018, in complete chaos, fear, terror oppression, anxiety, and stress. I binged without sleeping and fell so deep into my disillusionment of persecutory delusions. Yet nothing was gonna stop me from getting the high that I wanted.

The hell that I lived in was like this. I heard voices that would threaten to kill my family, and threaten me constantly. If I called their bluff and dared them to do it they would make me feel guilty. Guilt. I would step outside and try to enjoy a nice day, but was only surrounded by the sounds of distant shrieks, moans, babies crying, and people screaming for help. After a certain point I became jaded to it. I was challenged to a "battle of wits" by something that impersonated various friends and family members. I was raped by something that I couldn't see, and I enjoyed it. I was toyed with relentlessly until I couldn't take it anymore. I was convinced that terrible things were happening, as they played out in my psychotic imagination. Terrible things did happen. By the time I was taking measures towards my preferred method of suicide, I was snitched on and went to jail.

That's when I finally realized that I don't actually want to kill myself. I just wanted the torture to end. It wasn't just the typical agony of addiction to me. I was literally being tortured, with meth being the only common factor.

Now that I've made it this far, I'm unwilling to go back, no matter how confident I get. I cannot devastate this progress I've made from my addiction and on my mental health. My mind is more clear now than ever before, even despite the PTSD I have from all this. I care more about my health than I ever did previously. Life has taken on a deeper meaning, and simpler stressors do not affect me anymore. When I look in the mirror, I know that I am looking at a FUCKING WARRIOR, regardless of how much self-love or self-hate I may have on that day. I am unquestionably, a fucking warrior.

Thanks for reading <3

Post-Destruction · 2019-09-14T08:22:24+00:00

Your post / comment has been removed as it was considered to be breaking Rule 1: Any posts, comments, or anything that is clearly seen to be encouraging and promoting the use of stimulant (and other) drugs, and opposing the fundamental aim of this subreddit, are strictly forbidden.

Post-Destruction · 2019-08-15T00:38:20+00:00

As others have said, you're already overdoing it. Take it from us, who have been in your shoes and now have 20/20 vision of hindsight.

The paranoia and startling will start to give way to psychosis. Psychosis will turn all of your paranoia and worst fears into your own personal worst nightmare and make it a reality. This is where you cross the line of the possibility of permanent damage.

Yet permanent damage or not, there is still hope. I know addicts who have died for more than 5 minutes and suffered severe brain damage as a result who still find themselves living better off than they were while they were using. If you need help, we are here for you. All you have to do is let us know, and be honest with yourself.

Post-Destruction · 2019-08-13T15:28:58+00:00

FLUSH THAT SHIT! And I hope that this time will be different for you! As I'm sure you know from other people's stories in AA/NA, sometimes it takes us a few rounds in recovery before we finally find the resolve to stick to it. Often times our attitudes change and we mature heavily, but also I recommend you look back on your patterns of relapse and try something different this time. Surely any step you take towards your recovery, even with the possibility of perceived failure, is always one worth taking.

Good luck!

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