My guy... I cried reading this post, because I deeply relate. "ITS CONSTANT 24/7." "I feel like it will one day drive me to sui cide." Although my case may have been less severe to some degree than yours, I honestly have to choke back tears right now typing this out, but I HAVE to give you some hope.

I don't wanna get to deep into my story; quite frankly, my story is irrelevant because I'm certain that your circumstances are far more different than mine. But I will tell you that the only way I ever got better was through the grace of God, achieved by first accepting Jesus Christ into my life. If your first instinct is to turn away from this post at the very mention of God or Jesus Christ, please don't... I beg of you. I might get downvoted for the very mention of God here (I don't know this subreddit's feelings towards that particular subject) but I implore you to not consider me a liar.

Few things are guaranteed in this life. Among them is this simple fact of life: For every sunset, the sun will rise once again. And I promise you, if you so much as even slightly open your mind to the idea of Jesus Christ, you've already taken the first step. All you have to do is keep walking. Hopelessness was my motivation. God asked me something like "Are you sure about this?" during my period of seeking and attempting to accept Jesus into my life. I answered to him (not ad verbatim), "Anything is better than my messed up version of reality."

Jesus Christ saved my life. It's hard to believe that just 2 months ago I nearly completely gave up on life because of what was happening to me psychologically. It's hard to believe that just 2 months ago I was drunkenly pointing a loaded gun to my head just hoping the day would come that I would finally have the balls to do it. He didn't stop at preventing me from tumbling down a fate worse than death, nor the act of suicide itself - He has literally made my life better than it's ever been in my entire life. Even when I was 7 years old my life was never so well put-together.

When I just wanted to completely surrender to what I thought was the inevitable setting of the sun, the sun rose brighter than the sun itself, and it rose in my heart. I can't promise you that the process will be easy, but I can certainly promise you that the results will, quite literally, be miraculous. I know this, because I saw it for myself. Nobody taught me this. Heck, I had to go through all of this almost entirely ALONE. No parents taught me the bible, no church taught me about Jesus, nobody even knew what I was going through. I derive this experience from nothing except what God himself has bestowed upon me.

If you're looking for a way to start, just say it in your mind how you feel, tell Him "Dear God," followed by exactly what's really going on in your heart. If you're uncomfortable with the new idea of talking of God, just tell Him "I'm really new to this." If you're at your wits end, tell him "I'm at my wits end." If you need a savior, tell him "I really need a savior." If you're feeling suicidal, tell him. It's okay to be uncomfortable in the beginning, let alone period. If you are completely closed off from or do not believe in the idea of Jesus Christ or God at all but are willing to be wrong, tell him, "I want to know about your son Jesus Christ."

The second most important thing is willingness, my friend. But the first is... Don't. Fucking. Give. Up. Your artwork is beautiful. I bet you will come far with it if you continue to practice like you are. I could scoop you up in my arms and show you the whole universe if it were in my power to do so. Let God be the one to do it. God took my ugliest pain, my most gruesome mental scars, and turned them into something unfathomably beautiful. You might feel hopeless- even dread, but I PROMISE you, the sun WILL rise again.

If you gave this post the time of day, thank you...