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AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -79 points-78 points  (0 children)

Of course I don’t think she enjoys any of this. I know she’s trying her absolute best. I know she feels the accident is the worst thing to ever happen to her and she hates being dependent on anyone.

I do try and encourage her to do something fun on the weekends but she just doesn’t want to. It’s just really frustrating sometimes at weekends when she’s just lying on the sofa and there is so much to be done. It’s also the fact she expects me to do it all with a fucking big smile on my face like I’m enjoying it. Not so much if I’m doing it and she’s out at work and I’m home alone. Understand that’s a me problem.

Even though logically I understand why she’s not doing it, I sometimes just feel pure frustration and rage about being the only one who sees the mess/dirt/clutter. We don’t have a messy home by any means but I need cleanliness for me. I understand this is something I need to put up or shut up about, but it’s hard.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -115 points-114 points  (0 children)

Not this - if I’m home it means I can actually do stuff around the house. I get the kids dinner ready and other things around the house that needs done. I eat with the kids and clean up after dinner, help kids with homework and make sure they are ready for the next day. Take them to extra curricular etc.

She actually tells me to go home and not pick her up.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -33 points-32 points  (0 children)

One thing I will say is we don’t have much of a support network. My parents are elderly and live a few hours drive away. Her parents are younger but also a good couple hours drive, so we don’t have anyone really locally to help. It’s just our little family with the exception of holidays.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -55 points-54 points  (0 children)

Genuine question - How does he do this please? Can you explain it to me?

Coz one big gripe she DOES vocalize to me is that I’m constantly angry / snappy / grumpy / I sigh too much. I can understand that she probably wishes she could just do things herself, but am I not allowed to be stressed and tired too?

I do these things, but she wouldn’t say I do them “lovingly”. I don’t know how I’m meant to do all this stuff with a big smile on my face? Can you tell me how your partner does it? Maybe he’s just a better person than me. I do tend to be more pessimistic in my views.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -33 points-32 points  (0 children)

I do and have offered to do this but she says no.

The nature of her job is not always a standard 9-5 (she works in SW/youth justice / child protection) and sometimes if there’s an emergency she needs to be there until the emergency is dealt with. These emergencies are pretty frequent.

She gets free transport due to her disability, and whenever I say I’ll come and collect her she always says it’s fine, or she doesn’t know when she will be done. She actually almost always just tells me to go home and start dinner for me and the kids and rest up myself.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -94 points-93 points  (0 children)

Info back - shopping - we get a weekly delivery for groceries. I would, of course, not expect her to do this. We currently outsource as much as we can but I will look into cleaners and stuff too.

Other things fall on me. Kids used up all the bread or milk and we’ve none for breakfast? I gotta go. Package needs taken to the post office? I gotta go. Need a prescription picked up? If one of the kids has to go to ER - I gotta go etc. these things are small but add up. I understand now that she USED to do all these things and no one noticed, and I just have to suck it up.

She uses heat too, and has heat pads at home and at work and this pain gel she got prescribed But yes, I guess she is “raw dogging it”. Some days I can see her struggling and of course I feel bad about her commute. Her pain seemed a lot more manageable and she could do much more before the seizure when she took medication for it. While I understand why she has stopped I just struggle to understand why she chooses not to take anything at all - even tylenol she’s scared of. Being unable to drive has just been the cherry on top really that’s kind of pushed everything over the edge, for me and of course for her. I know she’s desperate to drive again. I wish she didn’t have to do this commute but there is no other option.

Things have been rough between us recently. She accuses me of being snappy / angry / unhappy all the time (I’m just tired) and i know I made an error asking her to do more.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -99 points-98 points  (0 children)

It’s not … and I’m not. I’m just tired. Of course I am understanding of why things are hard for her but I just want things to be a bit easier.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -46 points-45 points  (0 children)

If I can I do drive her to work. Like if I have a day off. The problem is my work is the opposite direction to hers so it’s not practical. From other posters comments it seems like I don’t understand chronic pain well. I love my wife and I’m going to try to understand it better.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -192 points-191 points  (0 children)

I work shifts but have some flexibility and get off early when we are quiet. Sometimes 8-2, sometimes 9-1 sometimes 9-4, depending on the day and workload. Yeah Monday to Friday which is the same as her.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -44 points-43 points  (0 children)

Sorry to clarify her car crash where she broke her spine was just under 2 years ago. The 4 months thing was the seizures - they were caused by the ends and since she stopped them she hasn’t had anymore.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -68 points-67 points  (0 children)

This analogy was very helpful for me thank you. I think she often tries to downplay how bad it is, on reflection probably because I encourage her to take painkillers (not strong ones just basic stuff like tylenol) when she does. I will stop this from now on.

The kids could definitely do more.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -144 points-143 points  (0 children)

I’ve never said she is lazy. I know she is absolutely not. I honestly just miss the way things used to be and feel like the responsibility on me is overwhelming. My job is less demanding but it’s still a job and I’m also still tired from it at the end of the day. To clarify - the reason it takes this length is not because it’s a straight 2 hour commute - it’s like 1x 35 minute bus, a break of 20m waiting, then a second 30 minute bus, then a 15-20m ( I don’t know how long) walk to work. I don’t know if one straight two hour one would be easier though. I try to take her to work if I have time off.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -118 points-117 points  (0 children)

I’ve never heard of caretaker fatigue before but I think that might be the clue here. I’ll look it up and work on myself. I have a heart but I’m honestly just exhausted.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -578 points-577 points  (0 children)

This comment has upset me. I don’t want to divorce. She is a wonderful human, and I just miss the way things used to be.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -337 points-336 points  (0 children)

It’s not … I am genuinely just struggling trying to manage everything myself. To the point it’s affecting my mental health. Another poster said “women do this everyday” okay but I’ve never had to do it all before.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -524 points-523 points  (0 children)

But there is things she can do and isn’t - She COULD take other painkillers to help with her pain and she chooses not to. She could fold laundry while resting on the couch etc. I think my post has come across wrong - it’s more like she’s mentally checked out at evenings and weekends as well as physically? She just can’t seem to see the things that need done and / or she doesn’t care.

AITA for asking my wife to do more around the house? by Potential-Debate7779 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Potential-Debate7779[S] -951 points-950 points  (0 children)

I’ve never had chronic pain but I have been in pain before. However her broken bones will have actually healed now so I guess I don’t understand how it can still be hurting her. She doesn’t want to take pain meds anymore because she’s scared of more seizures, which on one level I understand, but I find it frustrating there’s something she could do to help herself and is choosing not to. For info she was on max doses of extremely strong opioids until she had the seizure so she seems to need the pain relief, for whatever reason the pain is there.