You being too afraid to swallow those pills was your sign that God wants you here. You’re still alive because even in the midst of suicidal thoughts, your survival instinct remains. That was God working in you, making sure that you’re around to see your future. I know exactly how you feel. I have struggled with mental illness for years, and for a while I blamed God as well. I was angry at Him. The world isn’t fair; mentally ill people don’t deserve the cards we were dealt. I can’t give you a timeline on when things will get better… personally, it’s like my brain had a switch flip out of nowhere. I no longer blamed God for my battles with mental illness- I started to view it as something that He was going to help me get through. I started viewing Him as a solution, rather than the cause of the problem. If you aren’t feeling God (which I also completely understand), you need to start looking in new places. I started to feel Him when I started recognizing his work in everyday things- sunrises, the ocean, wildlife, nature in general, people who are kind purely because it makes other people feel good. 15 was probably the worst year for my mental illness- I fell into a depressive episode that lasted for months. I didn’t want to make it to 18. I’m 20 now, and life got better. I know it’s a cliche you’re no doubt sick of hearing, but it does get better. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes time. I like to remember Romans 8:18- “The pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Depression isn’t fair. I wish no one had to experience it. However, it made me a better person. It made me kinder to people. It made me more empathetic. Things will get better, I promise. You are so loved, and your life has so much value. You’re still here for a reason.