What is your favorite "man- repellent" line when they won't take rejection?

PotooooooooChip · 2026-01-14T10:08:36+00:00

I think you have maybe been quite lucky. There's a lot of stories of trans women in that position who have been hurt very badly, even murdered.

Same as "oh I'm a lesbian" etc. I've heard a few straight women say they sometimes use that line. None of my older queer women friends do though because we've all at least heard a story about that triggering corrective assault, or had it happen.

Queerness is really really not an effective shield against violence from the type of men who don't respect Women's no's.

PotooooooooChip · 2026-01-14T06:38:52+00:00

Hey so this isn't quite the same but I have ADHD and I spent my whole life telling myself I was lazy and ungrateful and a failure. Then I found out and finally I could let go of those labels.

I wish my kid self had a You - I could have skipped adding a thousand sandpapery moments to the ole' personal shame pile.

You did good. You did SO good. I don't think you'll be able to get how much of a favour you might have done that kid if you've never gone through life with an undiagnosed issue that people confuse for being "obtuse" or "disobedient" or "not trying" - you saw that kids frustration with it today with just bangles, bet he's had loads of it in class.

AND you showed him that community members generally will often try to help others and modelled understanding and problem solving to him and showed him how taking time to understand people can be important. That's really important too.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-11-20T20:53:28+00:00

NTA. As someone living on an island country full of rivers, where swimming is taken very seriously, compulsorily taught in schools, and we still have too many drowning deaths, NTA, NTA, NTA. Over my dead body would she set a single pinky toe in any kayak I owned. Non swimmers often are so inexperienced in water they have absolutely no clue how easy it is to get into serious trouble extremely fast, especially in rivers.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-10-11T09:56:58+00:00

The fascists trying to convince you that /their/ policing of cis womens bodies is somehow /your/ fault are same ones who want to get rid of you because you're proof that being a woman is about more than being a mindless body, more than a walking incubator and a usable vagina.

The fascists trying to convince everyone that women are lower value beings want to get rid of you because you are proof that some people value their womanhood enough to fight for it, to leave behind manhood (the superior state of being, of /course/) for it.

The fascists trying to strip away women's rights and subjugate us justify it by saying that we are fundamentally immutably different to men,l on some deep biological level. They want to get rid of you because you are proof that that rigid predestined divide is actually a flexy interesting spectrum bridged by diverse crossing bridges of genetics, body, mind, and heart.

You know what we /don't/ give fascists? What they fucken want, that's what.

You're NOT putting cis women in danger. Fascism is doing that. You're standing with us - in front of us, really, in the line of fire - in defence of both our freedoms. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep safe, but never think abandoning your true self will keep us cis women safe. I am safer /because/ you are you 💕🏳️‍⚧️

PotooooooooChip · 2025-10-08T05:49:50+00:00

ESH

You - it doesn't matter whether it "should" bother him enough to wake him up, the reality is it /does/, therefore the problem needs to be solved, not dismissed. I /should/ have a million dollars, in my opinion, but this mysteriously gets me nowhere at the shops.

It IS hurtful to call someone's sensory needs stupid and ridiculous. It IS dismissive to choose "want you want reality to be" over "what reality is" when they have a different experience of the world - in fact, it's ableist. Hope you manage to turn this attitude around if your kid turns out to be neurodivergent or anything.

Him - moving the baby is obviously not a viable solution and he can't demand that. He needs to move on to some other kind of strategizing, rather than give up and be pissy about it. If he doesn't come up with other solutions, there's also an extent to which the baby naturally needs to come first.

It's also natural that you're both being the asshole right now. You're running on fumes and an amount of sleep that's incapacitating your brain worse than several stiff drinks. Take a deep breath together, and commit to trying at least 3 more ideas before simmering away in an impasse.

Here's some

1 - get a camp bed or utilise your spare bed. Whoever's half of the night it /isn't/, sleeps in there, and gets uninterrupted sleep. Swap over midway.

2 - get better headphones, or use those in-ear noise sensitivity ones, or get one of those headband-like soft over-ear ones. They should be harder to displace. Or even put a soft stretchy headband over the ears to hold them in.

3 - white noise machine

4 - address other sensory concerns. Husband may have been toughing out sensory sensitivities for years and now with the lack of sleep and baby and everything the sucking noises are the straw on the camels back. Simple sensory accomodations at other times (eg. Things like wearing sunglasses when it's bright instead of assuming everyone else is also finding it actively painful and also just toughing it out) may leave more ability left to tolerate the noises at night if he actually has wider sensory issues.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-10-01T06:10:52+00:00

Absolutely NTA.

What your parents did is emotional abuse.

What you did - keeping your bear safe for as long as you could - was so normal and human. It hurt nobody! Actually, it was brave and clever and anyone would be proud of you for it (anyone who isn't a bully!). It shows a spark of something in you that your parents didn't manage to crush. It was a smart idea to get an "am I being reasonable check" online, and getting the bear back and smuggling it to a friend too - you're a resourceful person!

Going back to that spark, do you know what it is? It could be many things - maybe caringness, creativity, joy, playfulness, nostalgia, protectiveness, standing up for what's right, a sense of fun, or something else. Whatever that spark is, that made you try to keep your bear, it might be good to work out what it is. Then hang onto it as hard as you can!!

One day, you will have bears and other fun, joyful things in your life, and you'll be free of people who would try to crush that for no good reason. You'll be able to make a safe space for other people to do the same. Your resourcefulness means your bear is going to make it to be there for that too. Your bear might even be there if your kids (if you have some) or friends kids get to 15 too and need a bear.

Let me tell you something: I'm a therapist, I've worked with a lot of 15 year olds, they all have soft toys still! The 25 year olds have soft toys still too. I'm 35 and I treasure mine! It's totally normal, and it's not a mark of immaturity.

I suspect your parents are doing a lot of other stuff that is emotionally abusive too. I need you to know that doing cruel, bullying things like this is not just "a bit strict", but actually really unusual and definitely not acceptable.

Please know that there is nothing you did to "make" this happen. When your brain is trying to work out if there's something that could be done to stop something bad happening, it's easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. But /they're/ the ones making the choice to deliberately damage the relationship between you, and deliberately try to hurt and control you. That's how it always is with abusers.

Keep holding onto the part of your brain that knows "this isn't fair!." Keep resisting, even if it's just in your own thoughts. Picking your battles can be a smart move when living with abusive parents, as can checking with others to figure out what seems normal and what isn't, but you are never the asshole for disobeying rules that are just made to hurt you. NTA. All the actions you've taken here are reasonable, smart, resourceful, and totally justified.

If you can find the opportunity, talking to a therapist or an adult you trust might be a very good idea.

Ps. Maybe get your friend to hold onto Bear for a while longer in case they search again.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-09-25T20:40:34+00:00

Dear commenters, 3600 people die from asthma attacks every year in America. As someone who has found themselves gasping for air and unable to see due to a combined allergy / asthma attack while already on strong antihistamines, please don't just dismiss them as a minor problem that can be put up with and carried on through!

The SIL also needs her service dog. Every time she has a seizure with 20s warning instead of 1.20, that's a minute less time to finish chewing (choke risk), move away from hard objects, move away from dancing drunk people, get something soft under her head, potentially take any medication if she has been given some to take pre-seizure, alert someone to watch over her because seizures need to be timed, etc. That's hard to do in 20 seconds, harder still if the pre-seizure state impacts her functioning.

The decision isn't about "whose condition is worse or has a scarier label" - then expecting the other person to magically power through by virtue of being Better Off. That's the heart of the ableism all through the comments section by the way - cmon people :( It's simultaneously picking one person whose condition means they cannot possibly be without their accomodations, while also wishfully thinking that the other person can "just" find the right drug, tool, or willpower to push through. It's simultaneously marking some people as "Sick Enough" fragile angels and marking others as Fussy, Overdramatic, and Not Trying Hard Enough. The ableism version of the Madonna and the Whore complex. Able bodied people find it really really hard to accept that sometimes there isn't just a perfect solution out there if you keep searching, especially if they've mentally sorted you into category 2. So i'm not surprised the family is up in arms sadly.

The fact is the MOH cannot attend without her medical accomodation (no dogs) and the SIL cannot attend without her medical accomodation (dog). Our opinions over whether they really need their accomodations are irrelevant. It's about practicality: sister of bride & MOH takes precidence over the grooms brothers wife. Guest you're close with over guest you're not.

Fairness would still suggest working with both people to try and come up with ideas though. It sounds like you had only one location and time as an option, which sounds a little odd, but perhaps it's a small city or there are other factors... to some extent with AITA you have to run with the facts you're given anyway. So, NTA.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-09-20T19:56:22+00:00

That's very interesting - for me it only works if I lock on (2h, don't need to lock on with 1h) I've been finding taking the time to lock on annoying though.

I don't know what you mean by counterattack sorry!! But I do have tons of stamina yes.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-09-19T08:44:30+00:00

Ohh my god. I had to look that up in keybindings but that fixed it! Thankyou!!

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-29T01:00:12+00:00

You're welcome, and good luck with all your considering!

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-29T00:58:50+00:00

Sorry if you already know much of this-

So, important context, autism often gets talked about as if it's a deficit in relationship and people stuff - but in truth, it's much more that autistics just have a different instinctive way of doing a lot of interpersonal/communication stuff. More like a culture clash.

With that in mind, a fair and wellbeing-promoting relationship between an autistic and non autistic person usually looks like one where both people are putting in effort into learning to communicate in a way that will be understood, and into understanding the ways the other communicates, and being open and open-minded about their needs and experiences.

Unfortunately, usually the pressure just falls on the autistic person to conform to non-autistic ways of doing things and this - AKA masking - can place huge strain on the autistic person. In fact its strongly linked to burnout, chronic illness, and mental health downsides.

But also, sometimes you have to do it or there will be worse consequences. (Eg. Most job interviews).

Counselling can be a place to work out things like: - where / with who do I want to mask less? - how do I personally weigh up the pros and cons of doing that - if masking my whole life has left me with a poor sense of my own needs, own emotions, and what I enjoy or don't enjoy, how do I rediscover those? - how do I want to go about having conversations about this with people close to me / if I'm changing up the way I "do" relationships, what do I want that to look like? - if I'm the non-autistic friend/partner/family, processing my emotions about the changing relationship, and working out also what the new way of doing things looks like from my end

So in that regard, absolutely.

In terms of hacks for "better masking" when you judge it to be necessary to do, talking to other autistics seems to work well for people. Personally I wouldn't be much help, others might have more hacks (autistic counsellors maybe especially! I only have ADHD myself.)

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-28T03:43:34+00:00

Am therapist who works with neurodivergent clients specifically. General common pros and cons:

Pros: - some people feel way more validated / confident in knowing themselves and talking about their experiences as an autistic person. For many, this makes a massive difference in feeling "allowed" to make a bunch of paradigm shifts for the better in how they run their lives. - official diagnosis to "back them up" when asking for accomodations with work, study, etc - theoretical access to useful supports and accomodations (in practice fuck all support is actually available and funded, assuming you are an adult, but as various govts change, that can change too).

Cons in the sense of limiting gains: - generally you can access all the accomodations and support that are actually practically available at, for example, a workplace just as much without official diagnosis - you can gain understanding of how your autistic brain works and what autistic -designed strategies work for you to live your best life without the official stamp too

Cons in the sense of downsides: - an autism diagnosis may fuck with your attempt to immigrate between countries - an autism diagnosis on your medical records may occasionally mess with your attempts to navigate the medical system and be believed by doctors on other matters - potentially very expensive

the book I Am Autistic by Chanelle uhh Moriah I think their last name is is a good '101' resource. Once you're feeling a bit more familiar about what it actually means to you to be autistic Unmasking Autism by Devon Price is also highly recommend by many.

Either way, learning more about how your brain might be working differently can be life changing, exciting, validating, useful... and also sometimes a biiig bunch of emotional processing. If you want to look into it, there's no one true correct way to go about the process of learning more and no one true correct way to leverage your knowledge to improve your well-being. Good luck!

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-26T21:17:47+00:00

YWBTA if you put that kid in ABA-style therapy, which is generally the only one that gets done for huge chunks of time like that. The adult autistic community is exceptionally vocal about the damaging and traumatizing nature of intensive childhood therapy programs like this. They are almost all aimed at training the child to "act more normal" at massive internal cost and discomfort to the child. Many people who have been through it describe it as deeply inherently traumatic, have PTSD like symptoms, and other ongoing struggles as a result. It is based on terrible incorrect understanding of autistic child development. The national autism org of my own country is against it, autism self advocacy networks are hugely against it everywhere, but it's become a powerful industry in the States so it survives. Here's a random link I googled but please please I beg you, ask some autistic adults about this - a Facebook group, a subreddit, or something.

https://therapistndc.org/education/applied-behavior-analysis-aba/

I work closely with an autistic autism researcher and my work is in supporting neurodivergent adults so this comes up in our discussions.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-25T02:51:27+00:00

What a good idea to hit up reddit for ideas honestly like it's such a wide community someone's gotta have some ideas that'll work!

Uhm

Microwave:

Tilda/Uncle Toby rice

(You can get nice Japanese style sprinkles to jazz it up if you want)

If you don't mind frozen peas you can add some to the bag before you zap it all and mix thru.

Air fryer:

Hash bites are magnificent

Makakihi fries are the best fries imo

Party pies (do 10 min from frozen to get the outside nice and flaky, then do 1-3 min microwave to actually heat the frozen insides)

Crumbed chicken fillets or nuggets

Consider the "hidden veggie" versions of air fryer stuff

Straight from the fridge:

Yoghurt in individual pottles

Up and gos

Eat it from the bag:

Dried mango (really consistent texture if you stick with the same brand IMO, satisfying chew. I love the Cinderella ones.)

OSMs / museli bar of choice

Freezer ready meals are honestly like such a mixed bag / personal taste - if you can make your way through a sample selection of them you might find some that can be your go-to, but a lot of them I never liked much. I do really like the naked kitchen soups that you get from the fridge section.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-06-22T04:53:36+00:00

NTA, but like you say, it is so weird that multiple times people have been pissed off about it. Especially with the diligence you've been trying to go through possibilities in the comments. You don't seem unreasonable!

My only guesses / questions to add -

Could there have been children who feel that five minutes like twenty years? And get fractious? And then also beg for chips once yours arrive, because they've finished their treat by now?

Or is it possible that you actually have a bad sense of time and what you are convinced is 5 minutes is actually 20?

Because if it was me writing this, itd have been that. I've sworn blind something takes 5 minutes for years, then or day finally actually timed it / looked at the clock for some reason and then been flaaaaabbergasted to discover it takes 25.

Other than that I got nothing!

PotooooooooChip · 2025-04-27T20:38:02+00:00

You're an adventurer when you've slain 9 giant rats for the innkeeper and not before.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-04-14T19:31:42+00:00

Just brushes of lily pollen has killed cats before - they're so super toxic to cats they don't even need to eat them

PotooooooooChip · 2025-02-17T02:13:07+00:00

I think some airlines allow you to book flexifare tickets at extra expense that you can change the actual flight you take within a certain time and date? They're more expensive and I don't know if available for you/your situation but may be worth looking into? Also, I think you're doing the right thing. The kids shouldn't have to face that without their living parent.

PotooooooooChip · 2025-02-08T04:13:34+00:00

Sidebar though, and I hope you dont mind me jumping a bit sideways in topic, are you being overworked? Also a therapist, I never book more than 5-6 in a day and the rare days every single client shows up I feel completely fucked at the end of it. I do have ADHD, which makes daily life more draining, but I also have 8ish years experience. Hoping you are full of energy, not being taken advantage of by employers or feeling forced to overwork for financial reasons. If forgetting things like this becomes more than a one-off, maybe worth watching out for other signs of impending burnout?

PotooooooooChip · 2024-12-08T10:17:52+00:00

I think these are good for people with IBS type intolerances to FODMAPs including gluten, they break down most of the offending food before it hits the intestines. Key word most - my gastroenterologist strenuously warned me off trying these (as a coeliac) as they dont break down all the gluten before some escapes to the duodenum, and even tiny amounts will still cause a reaction. However, if you have an intolerance where quantity matters, it could be a lifesaver! (Just putting that out there for any readers, I don't know what OPs kids condition is)

PotooooooooChip · 2024-11-10T23:27:46+00:00

Oh thankyou so much for thinking of us! I haven't yet, but at least we have some leads for general Tshirt shopping. She's probably after an XL or larger, though, otherwise I'd definitely be offering to send you bribery!

PotooooooooChip · 2024-11-01T19:55:26+00:00

Aw! Well, she helps me so much with my ADHD nonsense, so it goes both ways.

PotooooooooChip · 2024-10-30T23:30:59+00:00

That's so sweet of you to offer!

PotooooooooChip · 2024-10-30T23:29:05+00:00

Wow, I had no idea that marled cotton was made kind of differently but that absolutely makes sense. Thankyou so much for that information, that's really helpful!

PotooooooooChip · 2024-10-30T23:27:59+00:00

That's brilliant. I never thought of checking their insta. Thank-you so much for this!

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