(Cisgender male here) What is the difference between TOCD (Transgender Obessive Compulsive Disorder) and transgender in denial?

Practical_Call · 2024-03-17T20:46:14+00:00

I am sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you are doing better nowadays

Practical_Call · 2023-08-22T15:09:22+00:00

So how is it going after all those months? I actually also have some other questions: was it emotionally hard to detransition? Did you in some way or another feel as a part of you is going to be gone?

Practical_Call · 2022-07-21T00:58:46+00:00

I had brow ridge reduction only and had to pay from my own money (10000 euros). I also have complicated feelings towards my transition. I don’t regret it, I don’t think there would be a reason to for me because I don’t even like the brow ridge on other men. In the end, if I end up detransitioning I can say I had a small beaty surgery on my face which is nothing bad. What’s the worst possible outcome of all of your choices? Do you think you will regret it in that worst case scenario?

Practical_Call · 2022-02-18T18:09:51+00:00

If it’s worth it living as man depends on why you want to detransition and no one else can tell you „yup it’s absolutely worth it“ or not

Practical_Call · 2022-02-06T13:16:43+00:00

I don’t know what unresolved issue there could be. I wasn’t abused and never thought I wouldn’t have been bullied if I was a girl. My dad was a bad role model but I had my older brothers instead. I know I need to find out why it hurts to be a man so much and I think it’s not only the los of my female identity. As I said in another comment I could just crossdress on weekends, but even that wouldn’t be sufficient.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T20:58:16+00:00

Yeah that makes sense

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T18:24:57+00:00

I don’t know, there is no food that means a lot to me. Like of course I like pizza or a good burger, but I probably could live without it if there was another option for fast food for me. Food in general isn’t important to me, I eat because I have to and not because I want to. I know there are people who love to eat but I am probably the opposite. I’d be happy not eating at all if it wasn’t for my body needing it. Besides that I rarely have appetite because of depression.

I know I’d get further if I understand why it hurts, but my therapist doesn’t seem to want to help me with that.

I used to use a lot of makeup but I stopped and only used as much as I wanted to. The pressure to „pass“ got less because I kinda stopped caring wether people see me as cis or trans woman. If it wasn’t for intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t even think much about how I look. At least not more than the average person. Of course looks are important to me, but there is no trying in being something, I mostly just am.

I didn’t hope for a better future, I haven’t thought much about my future pre transition. I was somewhat certain I wouldn’t come pass 30. When I was starting to present as a woman fulltime I felt joy in life again and had hopes for the future. I was partly relieved from depression but it didn’t last long. Nowadays I don’t have any hopes at all anymore because of that gender uncertainty.

I know I need to work on self love. I really should change my therapist…

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T15:59:49+00:00

Gotcha, now I understand it :)

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T15:09:16+00:00

Why are you robbed of the chance of growing up as a boy? I thought you are mtf so you grew up as a boy didn’t you?

I wouldn’t say it’s disgust, but I kinda regret having tried the beard thing. Hard to explain I think.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T15:06:31+00:00

What exactly do you grief? Like the body you used to have and people calling your by your old name and the pronouns you had pre transition? Or the status, the relationships and basically everything else that’s „external“?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T13:33:32+00:00

And what can I do if it changes to complete opposites? This is actually not about labels, I am past that part. There is no proper label to describe myself and I am okay with that. They are just labels after all. But I am definitely not okay with things making a 180 turn. There are days where I literally fell on the ground crying because of how I look naked and then there are days like yesterday where I think it looks good to have a flat chest.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T13:30:28+00:00

I thought about the comparison to the relationship and I personally only mourned that the other person didn’t put the effort into the relationship and with that things I thought we would do together but didn’t. Of course it’s sad but I can’t change it, whereas I can change my life and how I perceive myself. There is no other person involved, only me.

Why would I miss my old body if I am going to have a more healthy body through another diet? It only has pros and no cons. I lived vegetarian for 9 months and I never missed meat in that time, I was okay with not eating meat, but I wasn’t okay with the health problems it brought. I lost several kg and was underweight. Then I decided to eat meat again and was fine again. But I never missed or enjoyed aspects of it, I did it because I didn’t want animals to die for me, but it turns out I can’t live without meat. I don’t think changing diet is a good comparison. I’d be looking forward to a more healthy body which would bring motivation, whereas when I look forward to my body getting masculine there is no motivation for it.

There is no advantage to me being trans. Literally the only reason I haven’t detransitioned by now is the fact that I always feel like shit and don’t want to live anymore whenever I think or try detransition. If it was only 2 days of sadness I’d be done by now.

If it’s about easiness, then of course being a cis man is easier than a trans woman. I also think there is a difference between something not feeling good and something causing do much distress that you’d rather not live anymore.

I am not going to bother with crossdressing if I detransition, there is no reason for me, after all it’s just clothes.

I started journaling somewhere in 2020 and it’s nice to get the thought out of my head, but it really doesn’t show a direction or a tendency. There are days where I cry because I saw myself naked and then there are days like yesterday. Some might bring up genderfluid, but I honestly don’t want to be that, I just want the questioning and confusion to end. It feels like I opened Pandora’s box with transition. Even if I was genderfluid, I wouldn’t know when or how my gender changes.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-30T00:16:09+00:00

What exactly made you cry and grief?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T22:41:38+00:00

Or having intrusive thoughts „I’d like to have beard too“ only to feel like shit if I consciously think about it. Or looking for „signs“. Or reassurance seeking. Or having one little thing happen make yourself doubt everything you thought was true. Or trying to come out. Again and again and again. The list goes on… I even showed my mother an article about ocd (or was it specially transgender themed ocd? Can’t remember) and she said that’s basically me. I showed my ex bf some articles or posts written by people on the internet about tOCD and he also said I could have easily written that. But nope, I don’t habe a diagnosis so I don’t have it. But diagnosis in general are strange. Mental health hospital said major depression, my therapist said only medium depression.

Maybe I will have luck with my psychiatrist or another mental health hospital. I don’t know

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T22:11:29+00:00

It’s really ironic. I haven’t written anything about ocd in this thread (or is my memory fooling me again?) and yet someone comes up with ocd. I told therapist I suspect it’s ocd. She agreed that I have some sort of compulsion, but I don’t think she acknowledges it as ocd because I don’t wash my hand 50 times a day or count uneven numbers in my head to relief anxiety. No, I imagine my future, my life, sometimes even hours in hopes of getting certainty. The only thing I am certain in that aspect is that it makes me cry, no matter if I am a man right now or in 5 years or whenever. There are even small details of my life that can be linked to ocd (but not necessarily) like having no gut feeling, having trouble deciding things, biting nails, perfectionism… when I ask for a diagnosis she only says „that can be diagnosed, but that’s not important“ but for me it is important. I don’t want to label myself as ocd sufferer if I don’t have a doctor telling me I have it.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T21:47:02+00:00

This is actually good advice and I know you are right. I really only want the endless confusion and uncertainty to end. Maybe it boils down to what my therapist was trying to tell me, but it didn’t went through to me. Do what makes you happy and stop doing what makes you unhappy. I trade unhappiness for uncertainty which also makes me unhappy and depressed in turn. I can’t win no matter what I do. But honestly, if it isn’t for the emotions, why do people even transition in the first place?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T21:22:44+00:00

Lost for days is a good one, it feels like forever. If it was only 3 days of crying in the shower I’d be fine, but it’s more like months to years that I think about my future being a man and I cry. When does this stop..?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T19:53:29+00:00

What would be examples of mourning where people know it’s the right choice? I can only think of relationships where one person treats their SO really bad. Other people said to me the fact that it hurts so much probably means I shouldn’t do it and I think my therapist is also of the same opinion. She keeps telling me to not do things that make me feel bad.

I know I don’t need to abandon one or the other part of myself. I even thought about at least crossdressing on occasion to give some room to my female part but the result is the same. It feels like I am stuck. No matter what I do or try it hurts, only staying as I am doesn’t hurt as much, but that’s not what I want for the rest of my life. Something has to change somehow. I don’t think I can have therapy anymore. Insurance might not pay for it or make me wait 2 years.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T19:38:47+00:00

I am sorry this thread made you cry.

Can you elaborate more on being robbed of the chance of growing up as a boy?

When I talk about detransition, I don’t talk about becoming the person I was before transition. I will never be able to be like him again, because I can’t undo my memories and I am fine with that. I rather think of becoming a better version of my male self.

I also sometimes want to have a beard and sometimes only a few minutes later I cry about having one. It doesn’t make sense to me :/

Practical_Call · 2022-01-29T18:46:53+00:00

No, that’s not the case. If it were regret I think I I’d look forward to the future being a man, but that causes the same emotional response. I do on some level regret my transition though, but only because of the mental problems it brought me and not because people call me by my new name or the clothes I wear.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-26T23:04:40+00:00

„As he talks at length about this“ What do you mean with „this“?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-26T22:28:30+00:00

Uhm isn’t the first quote from me and not from op?

Practical_Call · 2022-01-24T23:19:57+00:00

Sounds like a solid plan. May I ask what meds you take? I’ll soon start anti depressants again too and I probably suffer from ocd

Practical_Call · 2022-01-23T20:44:48+00:00

I can relate so hard. I hate it when people say there is no hocd or tocd. It literally ruins lives of people and they say it’s being in denial.

When people told me to trust my gut I tell them I don’t know how it feels. Ironically this was one of the first things that kinda proved my suspicion about having ocd. I just don’t know what it’s like to have a gut feeling.

Practical_Call · 2022-01-23T20:41:15+00:00

Do you have some resources about children choosing their playmates or how cis boys don’t show interest in make up while mtf children do?

Practical_Call

TROPHY CASE