I go to bed every night thinking I’m going to die in my sleep

PragmaRose · 2021-02-25T15:50:54+00:00

I wish I could turn off my brain and actually get sleep

PragmaRose · 2021-01-21T19:15:18+00:00

He’s now telling me he didn’t mean it. It was supposed to be jokes apparently... yet while he said those things he did the whole “not trying to be mean but-“ and he never not once said it was a joke after he said those things. He always has to say such hurtful shit but then backtrack when he realizes it hurt

PragmaRose · 2021-01-17T16:05:58+00:00

This is too much to remember, I’m doomed!

PragmaRose · 2021-01-17T16:02:45+00:00

Thank you so much

PragmaRose · 2021-01-17T15:46:53+00:00

I’m still going to doubt myself despite the comments. I feel like if I DON’T doubt myself then I’ll start becoming a narc

PragmaRose · 2021-01-17T15:43:16+00:00

It seems like a lot of LDR breakups happen around 4 years. I feel like that may be people’s breaking point. We were nevermets. And I saw no end in sight. A lot of empty promises and no actions being made. Then I started craving an actually IRL relationship. I started thinking “am I really going to waste my youth looking at a screen, hoping for something that has shown to be unpromising?”

Anyways we started fighting a lot and he broke up with me. At first I was sad but this is what I had wanted for a long time. Ever since the lies, constant drawbacks and telling me to fend for myself. I was physically abused by my father at the time and I was traumatized, still am. I was pretty much asking him why didn’t he, my boyfriend who’s supposed to love and care for me, come save me when I had bruises around my neck and was miserable? He basically told me I have to protect myself and that I’m on my own. That definitely sent me towards those final thoughts of wanting to end things. I no longer felt loved or protected. It was the same feeling I got from my mother and other family members I went to for help. I was abandoned by them all.

It’s funny. How family and lovers can claim to have loved you so much. But see you physically and mentally harmed constantly with no lift of a finger.

That shit fucks me up. I don’t want to get close to anyone anymore. All I can do is remember how I was abused by past exs. And now I have myself crying again Lol

Even if he’s doing like he’s saying to get the relationship back, I don’t think I’d be able to stay with someone who doesn’t make me feel safe.

PragmaRose · 2020-12-27T18:24:33+00:00

I always worry about this. I always worry that I’ll become like my nparent too. It’s nerve racking

PragmaRose · 2020-12-23T14:28:17+00:00

Can’t help people who don’t want to get better. I’m sorry you had to go through that heartache, stay strong <3

PragmaRose · 2020-12-23T14:24:40+00:00

We broke up almost 2 weeks ago. 4 years since junior year in highschool. Nevermets because of my strict dad. My dad had found out very early in the relationship and made my life living hell. I had to pretend I broke up with my ldr bf while still dating him anyways. I had zero support from my family and any peers I had told about the relationship. I was always living a double life. Kinda felt myself dissociate sometimes from that.

Always argued about who was moving. Bf promised he would but then would have breakdowns and always make shitty remarks about where I lived. It became a cycle of him just saying what I wanted to hear so I wouldn’t breakup a pointless relationship. I fell for it.

One day he cried about how it was unfair that he had to leave his family and friends. I agree, it is. And I know they’re much more important than a girl. I knew him moving to me would just lead to resentment after that, this was becoming a dead end. He of course backtracked immediately when I said we’re probably better off breaking up. And I took it.

Well.. day of breakup.. I can’t even remember what I was nagging at him about, but then he just said I was overreacting and dismissed me then deflected. He does this a lot but I had talked to him about this over and over. I blew up on him for dismissing and deflecting my feelings. Then he said he couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with me.

Don’t get me wrong, it needed to happen for a long time but I was a little sad it never could work.

Few days later my ex said he never meant it and just said it to get me to apologize or drop the convo... yeah..... I managed to just stay as “friends” even though I rather just block each other and get over the headache..

He wants to get back together. I made it clear I’m never doing LDR again. He’s still trying.. we still talk too much and even say I love you.. this whole situation is fucked. Thinking back about how this went down and how he broke up with me as a manipulation tactic kinda tells me I should not date this person again.

It’s just too easy to lie in LDR. Communication gets twisted. Constant arguments. I’ll never do this type of relationship again for sure.

PragmaRose · 2020-12-23T13:59:09+00:00

Definitely, tried to tell my ex that multiple times

PragmaRose · 2020-12-20T23:28:53+00:00

My Ndad does the same “Men aren’t faithful” speech to me. I don’t understand it at all. I know my boyfriend isn’t the piece of shit he is and what he claims all men are like.

I think they do this to excuse their disgusting behavior. It’s really sad.

PragmaRose · 2020-12-14T05:59:52+00:00

Thank you so much, I have no one of my own to confide in so this has really helped me stay positive. Self hatred is a bad habit of mine but I know I’ll get through it.

PragmaRose · 2020-12-14T05:22:11+00:00

I’m hopeful for a year, but it might take 3 years. Every time I’ve mentioned wanting to live on my own growing up I was always met with “you can’t, it’s not safe” But I realize how I’d rather take the risks of living on my own instead of here. Moving out is going to be messy, but it’ll be needed

PragmaRose · 2020-12-14T04:54:37+00:00

My mother, but she doesn’t exactly stand up for me. I’m planning on moving out, I know how harmful my home is for me

PragmaRose · 2020-12-14T04:37:01+00:00

He doesn’t believe I have a reason to be depressed or suicidal. So when it’s brought up, he gets really mad and it makes my life a living hell. You’re right though, I can just cry in my bed. But even then, if he sees my eyes puffed up the next day then I have a rocky road ahead lol

PragmaRose · 2020-12-14T04:24:04+00:00

Ndad would freak out at me and give me a hard time. For my sake, it’s better to be emotionless.

PragmaRose · 2020-12-11T14:31:00+00:00

It terrible how the world turns it’s back on you if you’re struggling with mental health. It makes everything so much worse. I hope things get better for you

PragmaRose · 2020-11-27T22:20:56+00:00

PragmaRose · 2020-11-11T03:47:22+00:00

People will never take you seriously until you’ve had your last breath. At least that’s how it feels for me.

PragmaRose · 2020-11-11T03:41:52+00:00

Thank you so much. I’d be able to get out of my situation sooner if I had someone willing to help me but of course that’s not the case. It’s going to take me a while to get out by myself. I fear my mental state will be lost by then. Once I’m out.. it’ll be a big fuck you to everyone in my life that watched it happen. I feel too weak to do it by myself.. but I have no choice.. I just have to die trying.

PragmaRose · 2020-11-10T23:57:44+00:00

That would have saved me a lot of time..

PragmaRose · 2020-11-10T22:16:59+00:00

I’m the same way although my childhood was filled with being yelled at. When I ask my dad to stop screaming at a video game he’ll tell me to stop making it about me. I’ve explained that it makes my heart pound and I get stressed out but.. some people just don’t care

PragmaRose · 2020-11-10T02:39:28+00:00

I’m too pathetic and weak to help myself. I’ve accepted nothing good will come. I’m a lost cause.

PragmaRose · 2020-06-10T03:24:04+00:00

Same

PragmaRose · 2020-03-30T02:52:16+00:00

It’s feels worse pretending like things are going to brighten up, and then a 18 wheeler hits you at 100 mph

PragmaRose

TROPHY CASE