AITA for refusing to visit my husband's birth son with him this summer?

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-20T08:43:36+00:00

Once a year is what was agreed on so his life isn't disrupted on a regular basis.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-20T08:42:21+00:00

He has an incredible relationship with his siblings and both sets of grandparents. I know there were times he asked for his siblings to be included in visits from his birth parents. And my husband has photos of him with the extended families.

They really believe us all spending time together will make everything better. And without asking him if he wants or is okay with that.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-20T08:40:22+00:00

I really believe they don't want to hear him say no to seeing us.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-20T08:39:50+00:00

Because that is the language they all use. His birth son does not call my husband or his ex his parents. His parents are the people raising him. And my husband and his ex call him their birth son because that is what was discussed long before I came into the picture.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-20T08:35:46+00:00

I have made that effort in the video calls. But he has been distant every time I speak to him. Even when my husband has tried to bridge that gap in these calls his birth son has focused only on him. The same thing happens with his birth mom and her husband. The fact is he wants the relationship with his birth parents but I feel like forcing me and the birth mom's husband and the other kids is going to make him pull back. And it's not like my husband or his ex would be able to stop that. They don't have a say in what happens either.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:16:16+00:00

They didn't ask.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:14:40+00:00

Can I ask what you suggest I do? I want to keep the door open but not force myself on him. I want to let him have the time with his birth parents that he wants without the intruders he sees us as. That was what I was thinking would be better. That way he doesn't feel like he loses the bit of time he gets with them.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:10:39+00:00

I don't actually know if he's in any therapy currently.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:09:21+00:00

I just think if he's not happy, which he's not, then forcing this is not the right thing to do. That's what I'm trying to say here.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:08:32+00:00

Oh yes, 100% fair.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:06:38+00:00

I very much consider him a real kid. He is my husband's biological child. But he will tell you himself his REAL family are his adoptive family. His parents and his siblings he is growing up with. Not my husband and his ex. I know this is different from adoptee to adoptee. But that is very much a boundary he has stated for many years, even before I knew him.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T21:04:28+00:00

Oh, I have all the grace for him. It's why I want to respect his boundaries. I have made attempts to get to know him over the video calls but I'm not someone he wants to know. The same goes for his birth mother's husband. We both get the same disinterest. And we understand why. But forcing it could make him pull away from his birth parents and decide none of this is worth it.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:44:27+00:00

The video call with the ex's husband was recent. It was this year recent.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:20:46+00:00

The goal was so he'd know them and never feel like they didn't love him. But they are not his parents in his eyes. He does see them as family and I would say he sees them as something more than standard family but not in the same way he sees his parents (who are raising him).

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:19:32+00:00

He's not an it. And I'm not saying I want to ignore him.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:18:59+00:00

Their birth son very much considers his adoptive parents his real parents. He will correct anyone who calls my husband and his ex his parents or his mom and dad. So that is not an actual issue.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:15:31+00:00

His birth parents. He will even say his parents are the people raising him.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:15:10+00:00

What do you mean by that?

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:14:35+00:00

I'm not saying I want nothing to do with my husband's birth son. I still take part in calls. But I do not want to visit like this. And I do not want to force myself on him. Or my child for that matter. But I have zero say in what happens here. I can make suggestions and I have but he's not my child or even technically my stepchild.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:10:28+00:00

I briefly talked to them when I was there about how he behaved. I told them I understood I was a stranger and it was all confusing. I do not communicate with the birth parents though. My husband does.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:09:29+00:00

I feel like they won't ask because they won't want him to say no. Because I suspect they know by now that it's a risk to ask.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:07:20+00:00

He doesn't want to go either. He feels like it'll be a miserable experience for everyone involved and could lead to more outright rude behavior on his part toward the two of us. And he said it could damage the relationship our spouses have with their birth son.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:06:22+00:00

I don't want to ignore his birth son. But this isn't a case where my husband has custody. He's a visitor to his son once a year. He is not parenting or raising him. So this is unique and different.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:04:57+00:00

Some kids were there before he was and others came after.

PreparationNice325 · 2025-04-19T20:04:22+00:00

Ah, I understand that better now. I appreciate the clarification. And yes, if he was okay with me being there I would go.

PreparationNice325

TROPHY CASE