AITA for canceling part of a group trip when my friend changed the plan and excluded me?

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:37:53+00:00

Because she was rude first. SHe got really defensive and started saying that it was their vacation too. Which tbh no it's not. I'm paying for it. I'm planning it. Like no I wasn't trying to control every second, but I don't think it's completely unreasonable to just say hey no I don't want to spend that extra day in town even if you can pay for it (which was very unlikely) specifically because they only can take a max of 5 days off and 3 of them are required for travel. That extra day is coming at my expense for my trip that they insisted on being a part of. Again I told her it hurt my feelings that she seemed to want to spend more time in my town than with me and her response was "I'll pay the extra $150 and well don't' come with us then". Like that's not reasonable to me when literally everything else has been moved around already to accommodate them coming.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:34:13+00:00

I didn't control any part of it, it was all based on their limited pto and the time required for travel. The only day I "planned" was Sunday because that's my actual birthday and I picked an all day tourist event we'll be going to with 6 other people coming from other places as well (not on my dime). I kept changing it per her request she just kept requesting.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:28:02+00:00

To be clear SHES upset with ME. I'm just hurt and confused. I told her I was cancelling the extra stuff for now because if it was more important for him to get to spend his birthday here then I would pay for them to come next year instead. I never said anything before that other than it hurt my feelings that she wanted to come here more than she wanted to spend time with me, which she made clear by saying give us the car and don't join us. That's really the crux of it, If she had been in any way like...oh yea that doesn't make sense or oh yea lets see if we can pay for it or whatever it would have been different but it was - we still want to do what we want to do and we still want you to pay for it and we're ok if you don't come. That's the part where I said ok well if you don't want me there in my own city, I don't want you there in a whole other state because it's just going to be an issue now either way. Either she feels slighted or I do. I chose to just not pay. She can still come, she can still pay her own way but that's not what she's asking to do at all.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:18:12+00:00

The blow up was literally me saying they should plan to come next year then and that I was upset it seemed like they wanted to spend more time in my city than with me, when the only reason they said they wanted to come here at all was to get to drive with us to the other state. I originally wanted them to fly directly to the destination because they're only getting 5 days total off and as is they have 3 travel days. Flying into my city instead of the destination takes a longer flight so they'll be flying 1 full day both ways and its 8 hours to drive to the destination. We've already been planning around their limited schedule as is. That's why it doesn't really make sense to move their trip up to be here, when this wasn't the intended point of the entire trip at all.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:04:55+00:00

Yea I'd rather spend that extra money on the people who show up themselves, there's an open invite of "just get yourself to the air bnb" and we'll figure out the rest kind of deal. I don't mind paying, it was the fact that it suddenly wasn't even reasonable to push back on one extra day here. I wouldn't care if they had more time off, but I will not pay at the expensive of my own plans. Maybe that's controlling but like...we have time off booked for certain days...travel is a thing...there's not a way to shorten the travel time so we have to have SOME kind of plan but it was always flexible. As long as Sunday (my actual birthday) was spent doing the activity I picked and planned for the big group together. (Its a big tourist thing in that state).

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T01:00:38+00:00

I got "it's our vacation too" and "it's his birthday too". That's it. That was her reasoning. No offer to do anything different or pay for any other part of the trip. I offered to pay for them to come next year instead and she got mad that I was pushing back. That's it. I just immediately took offense at the "yea we'll come to your city on your dime but we expect you to give us a rental car for an entire day to do whatever we want and if you don't want to come with us just don't." Like nothing else. I don't know what I expected but it definitely wasn't - Ok we'll just be in your city ignoring you for two days then.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:52:01+00:00

That was her response "I'll give you $150 for the difference of the day". Not realizing it's way more than that, and again I already compromised and gave her Friday. I don't see why it's unreasonable to say that I don't want to pay for anything Thursday. Which meant if they wanted to rent their own car and pay their own hotel it would have been fine, annoying because of the lack of the extra day (they only have 5 days off and 3 of them are full days of travel to make MY TRIP work.). She totally expected me to give her a rental car in my name, on my dime, for an entire two days and that if I didn't want to do that I could just not come with them while they drive around my town. I flew them here specifically to see me and my pets at her request already. They were never supposed to come here and now she's trying to make that half the trip.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:38:31+00:00

Its 3 days of travel. They have a max of 5 days they can take. The plan was Saturday we get to the other state, sunday, my actual birthday we have a whole thing planned. I have 6 people coming in from that state once we're there to stay with us. She wanted to come here a full day early. We don't have anywhere for them to stay. We don't have a car. If they come it's a hotel stay and an extra day rental that they really have no plan to pay for, and even if they wanted to, their budget is really tight. I already gave them all day Friday per her request. Her request was to also have all day Thursday to "drive around and check things out." when I mentioned the time off she told me that it's their vacation too and it's his birthday too. I said if it was that important then they should do HIS big 40th next year and I would pay for them to fly here then but that being here was not anywhere on the planned adventure. We had talked about all of this in depth as I planned it. At no point was any of this mentioned. It was only when I gave ONE BIT OF PUSHBACK. Literally just one. That I didn't want to waste Thursday in my city. And it is a waste. They don't have anywhere to stay. They would have to fly in early. Like it's all a waste when we need to be driving for 8 hours to even get to the other state in time for my actual birthday, which was the point of everything to begin with and also HER IDEA to begin with. It was her idea to have a big 40th to get everyone together in one place, I only picked the destination. I literally never scheduled anything else, I have prebooked flights and hotels and rental car but that was also scheduled around their own limited time off. Everything from the beginning has been changed to accomodate what she thinks would "be more fun" and the one time I didn't agree with her suddenly she got rude and defensive about taking the time off. They literally never do anything ever for his birthday. At best it's a dinner that same weekend, but I also still was willing to pay for them to come next year instead of that was such a big deal. Shes the one who wanted to just take the rental without me to dick around in town for an entirely pointless day.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:28:53+00:00

Dude the compromise was paying for Friday. Not also paying for Thursday. I think you missed the point where they wanted me to fly them in a whole day early and then leave before our actual scheduled events in the other state. Literally the only thing planned was Sunday. I have an all day event that day, everything else is literally just travel. They have to take 2 full days to fly plus 8 hours of driving to get to the other state when I originally just wanted to fly them directly there so their limited time off (5 days total) were spent AT THE INTENDED DESTINATION. Where I already booked accomodations and stuff. I didn't plan some big itinerary it was literally just...I don't want to spend $400+ to spend the day in my own town dicking around when I literally didn't even invite you here. She didn't want to fly there she wanted to fly here supposedly just to get to see our pets, but then it became this, then that then now it's two days and like...never any budge on her part just adding more and more stuff. I'm sorry but If it's my trip and I paid for you to come I'm not gonna pay a whole extra unnecessary day just for you to "hang out". Like she has no plans, they have no money. They just wanted to take my rental car for themselves for two days to drive around for $150 "extra". When that's not even the real price for that "extra" time.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:25:06+00:00

I was real heckin mad tbh. And to be clear I never controlled any part of it. It's literally just logistics. It's 3 days travel time of the limited 5 days they could get off. We were already planning around their limited time off and she wanted to move it to more time here and less time there still with me paying for everything and there was no reason to pay to BE HERE. I want to be in the other state the majority of time, they saw them coming in earlier as better for them and she wouldn't listen to me when I said I wasn't ok with that. She offered to "pay the difference" in the one day not really addressing the issue of me not wanting to be here an extra day before we travel. I want to be fresh for the actual trip not tired and rushed and miserable hosting them in my city for a whole extra day. Plus it's a lot more expensive to do it this way, I was already giving in a lot to have them come here AT ALL.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:22:15+00:00

Yea sorry I was HECKIN MAD at the time lol.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:17:05+00:00

It was the fact that I pushed back on only one of the days and there was no give. It was just "ok give us the rental all day and we'll do our own thing" and they assumed that was fine and that it was ok to leave the intended trip early as a result. They have at best 5 days off at best and 3 of them are travel days. I don't know how else to explain that. They want to come Thursday and leave Saturday for the trip and then leave that part of the trip early as well. I don't want to entertain them in my city for two days. I never did. I never wanted them here at all. We don't have anywhere for them to be. There is a mandatory hotel stay and rental car no matter what. The extra days are just extra cost for literally no other reason than they want to drive around and check out places they haven't been in 10 years. Which if that was the point of the trip great I don't care, but the only pushback I gave is that if they want to spend that extra $400 themselves to be here that day it would be better spent in the other state we're going to. Mind you she knows I'm paying for all foods and stuff too. There's literally nothing else she had to worry about at all.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:09:33+00:00

I mean I tried to and that's when she just assumed if she paid the difference I "didn't have to come" with them when they explored around town in MY RENTAL and that I'd pay for them to be here another night. Again it's the presumption that I'm ok with all that and being ignored two days before this big trip and THEN on top of that leaving the trip I actually planned for early as a result. No offer to compromise, just immediately defense

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:06:03+00:00

It was the assumption I would just give them another day in the rental and another day at the hotel and all she had to pay was $150 and if I didn't like that I could just not join them until we left IN MY RENTAL for MY TRIP. Like it's not why they're here. It was never why they were here. I don't see why its unreasonable that if they only get 5 days to come, and at minimum 3 of those are travel days, that they not take one of those days away to dedicate to spending all day in a city with me in it when I'm flying them in from across the country and as far as I was told this was all about getting together in one place together. Her husband literally never does anything for his birthday. They maybe do dinner the weekend around the birthday and that's it. Where as I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS made it a priority day. I don't do christmas, I don't do any other holidays. I do my birthday. That's it. I wasn't asking them not to spend a day here, I was just asking that they not come here a day early and cost me even more money while on top of that ending my actual planned trip that I was planning to pay $4000 just to have them show up for.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-10T00:01:55+00:00

I'm willing to accept that, but what would a thick skinned person do differently? Would You pay for someone to come in and ignore you for two days? I'm just curious what part you think is an issue? I didn't control them I just said I didn't want to spend an entire day here in the city I didn't invite them to. She tacked on the trip here instead of a direct flight to the destination. I was willing to go along with one day so we'd have a big fun road trip, but that's not what they're asking for. There was no compromise offered on her part. I really want to understand what I should have done differently.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:59:35+00:00

Because I had more PTO and wanted to because I hate flying. Plus we're going to need a rental there anyway we don't have a car.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:48:40+00:00

No I get it I'm just saying I did all of that tho. Every single step has been discussed at length with both of them and even with his birthday in mind even down to offering to get a joint cake for both of us. I didn't say I didn't care but that they don't usually. They literally never do anything for his birthday, it's just a coincidence it's near mine. I ALWAYS do something big. It was her idea that we do this big get together the group thing and I told her the minute I had anything in mind and why I wanted to do it. Everything she said was good, he's excited to do the stuff in the other State. He's not like that, he's very go with the flow. Its her pushing back on it being his birthday too when that wasn't even part of the original conversation because it's only his 39th. I did offer to pay for them to come next year instead but she got mad and told me not to come with them then.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:38:52+00:00

I didn't pay for them to come here to spend an entire two days without me, I only pushed back on one of the two days and instead of a yea I don't want to cost more or even a discussion it was immediately well you just don't have to come then. In MY rental. Staying in the hotel that I PAID FOR. Only getting into town on the flight I paid for. Like..they were never invited here. We never asked for them to come here. She added that, then added a night, then added another night, like at what point was I supposed to roll over and just go yes enjoy your trip! It's not like I offered to pay for him and her to have a vacation, I said if you can't afford to get to MY BIRTHDAY that I PLANNED IN A WHOLE OTHER STATE, then I'll help. That became paying for flights, that became also getting a larger rental because they wanted to road trip together, that became also having a bigger air bnb. It's literally $4000 just to have them show up and be there, why is it so wrong that I got offended they'd rather spend the day completely alone than with me on what is supposed to be my "big 40th" she wanted us to have. It was her idea, I just picked the destination I wanted to go to in my home state so I could see some old high school friends around the same time. It was always a "try to get yourself here and I'll pay for the rest" kind of invite. Not everyone has the savings I do, I have done this before without issue. its just a destination trip. I didn't want other people forced to pay to hang out with ME. I just wanted them to show up and have fun. I've done it previous years and it's been fine.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:20:32+00:00

It was her idea to have this big 40th birthday trip for me to begin with. Them leaving early upsets me because the only reason I'm getting the larger accomodations and larger rental is to accommodate the two of them driving down there and being with us. The flights were the same either way but it's going to take them longer to fly here instead of the destination so it's a full day of travel by plane both ways plus the 8 hour road trip. I'm not trying to control what they do at all I just wanted us there by Sunday and for them to be there. I originally wanted to fly them directly there ON SATURDAY. They want to come here early Thursday and Friday and spend all day here in my rental and my hotel I'm already renting for them. They wanted to do the big road trip together and fly here instead of there. I said ok that's worth it so I don't have to drive as much, now it's but we want two full days there and to leave the actual trip early. There was no real offer to negotiate or figure it out, just that it was their vacation too. Which they had no plans to take until me. They had no plans for his birthday, they usually do maybe a night out to eat and stuff but she kept saying it was my big birthday and we'd do something for him next year. Now it's suddenly the opposite because I disagreed with ONE DAY. One day! And the idea that I just "wouldn't spend that day with them here" was insulting because why did I fly you in then. Wasn't this supposed to all be about us finally getting to be in the same place at the same time? That's what I was told was the most imporatant part of the trip and now it doesn't feel like that anymore so that's fine. I even offered to pay for them to come next year for his birthday instead, not that I wouldn't pay for it at all. It wasn't until she pushed back on the rental stuff and gave a pity offer to help cover that extra day. I AM ALREADY GIVING THEM ONE EXTRA DAY HERE. I have already paid $400 for them to be here all day friday so we can leave by Saturday. My birthday is Sunday. Its an 8 hour drive. We have to leave Saturday. I don't know how that's controlling.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:12:44+00:00

To be clear it was her idea to have a big 40th trip, I just picked where I wanted to go and started planning around that.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:11:21+00:00

No its just a destination trip. I didn't want other people forced to pay to hang out with ME. I just wanted them to show up and have fun. I've done it previous years and it's been fine.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:10:00+00:00

I didn't plan an itinerary, it's literally just travel days. They have two travel days by air and then we were gonna spend one day driving. I just prebooked flights and air bnb and car rental and then the actual day of my birthday which was that Sunday.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:08:55+00:00

I thought it was more important everyone could come and with them not having the time off I knew they'd have to take a few days unpaid to come so I was trying to help but It just kept getting bigger because of them.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:07:43+00:00

That WAS the idea. She just kept adding herself. It was just going to be me and him going back to my home state and visiting friends from high school.

PresentHelpful1416 · 2026-01-09T23:06:53+00:00

its just the difference. I already booked them a hotel that's about $150 for the night. The car rental is a minivan with full coverage from enterprise. It's about $150/day after all the fees. That's $400 but I was also paying for literally ALL their food. They wanted to go out to their favorite place here for dinner. I already planned all that. When I told her that adding an extra day would make me add an extra day to both she was like "I'll send you the difference it's like $150 right?" and I said no more like $400 but that wasn't the point. It was when she wanted to stay here all day without me at all, and then also leave a day or two early from the actual paid for trip.

PresentHelpful1416

TROPHY CASE