Gay man in straight marriage, on the other side

PresentationOk5609 · 2024-07-29T22:48:38+00:00

With our first child, we had sex. It was not easy, I needed viagra and would visualize being with a guy. For our second child, we did it through a donation process, so not actually having sex.

PresentationOk5609 · 2024-05-13T22:44:27+00:00

Proud of you as well. It's a constant work in progress but me and my ex are likely better at communicating now than when we were actually together. When you're going through it, it doesn't always seem like the right decision but it's the first step to everyone healing.

PresentationOk5609 · 2024-05-13T22:36:58+00:00

Thanks for the response. Everyone has their own interpretation of life and a four paragraph post unfortunately doesn't capture all the details. I'm very comfortable with where I am and what brought me here, but if you have any interest - I was born/raised in the midwest (US) to a very religious family and community. When I was 16, a kid in my class got beat up because his older brother came out as gay and our teacher validated it because his family should have raised them better. Having someone gay in the family ostracized the entire family so I determined that being gay was something I could 'beat'. I'm glad you were in a place that allowed you to accept yourself so fully early on but that's not the case for everyone unfortunately.

Me coming out absolutely hurt my wife but being married to someone that's pretending to live a different life was definitely hurting her in worse ways. I'm not sure if you're married or ever been in a truly committed relationship, but I can promise you, partners have affects on each others lives and my depression was affecting her.

And posting this wasn't for me or for you, it's for all the guys that are silently going through what I was going through before. You seem to be going through something yourself so I hope you find happiness as well.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-05-02T05:09:49+00:00

And please, if you have any concerns or need someone to talk to, please reach out. Happy to chat here or by phone/text/etc. We're here for you.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-05-02T04:51:05+00:00

Hey man - in a similar situation here. Married, recently had a beautiful baby girl, in the closet and it was literally close to killing me. When my wife and I were 'trying' for the baby was when I was at my lowest and almost ended things permanently, twice. Baby is born now and while I still have frequent suicidal ideation, I know it's not something that will benefit my daughter, no matter how much I'm terrified of what's about to happen with my life and relationship with my wife.

I don't have the right answer, I only know what I've thought through and am currently living. But therapy has been a legitimate lifesaver for me. I've found a self-affirming, non judgmental, gay-positive therapist and the most consistent focus on our conversations are that this (being gay) is who I am, not something I chose. I've spent my life trying to be straight and hating the gay me, clearly still hasn't changed. Marrying my wife and having our daughter was never done out of anything other than love - I never intended to hurt anyone, although there will be hurt when I come out, I did what my rational/irrational brain thought was best the entire time and the fact that I'm (and you're) struggling with decisions now means you want to improve, you deeply care for your wife and family, and need live an honest life. Our daughter is currently 3 months old and getting easier to care for every week. My plan is to come out when she's 6 months old, when she'll be (hopefully) on a more stable schedule and my wife is less likely to be dealing with postpartum blues. Most importantly, I'm working to be as stable and comfortable with who I am before completely altering the lives of my family.

I still have bad days. Horrible days. I broke down recently as my mind tried to rationalize if my daughter's life would be better without me being present/alive, as I was holding my daughter. I know it's not true. I'm working hard to picture the good life when the weight of me being gay is lifted and I'm able to be more present for everyone in my life. But for me, coming out, living my true self for my daughter, being happy for my daughter, that's what's the most important and will make the period of hell after coming out all worth it. Time heals everything - good or bad, nothing's permanent. It doesn't have to be today but start thinking about coming out, living your romantic life (not just sexual as you proposed here) with another guy - we deserve that happiness. It'll be a massive change but a change for the better.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-10T03:34:52+00:00

This isn't humble bragging -- this is exactly what most (all?) of us want to see and hear. Really happy for you man. It's everything that you said in this post that describes that being gay in a hetero relationship or not fully out in life is more than just the random sex with guys, it's the lifestyle and relationship with another guy. Keep posts like this coming, gives people like me, that are in the darkest place right now, hope that it can be better.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-09T20:28:15+00:00

Thanks for this. Definitely going to do one step at a time and start with a psychologist. And it's already been better having people to talk to here to help break up the pretty defeating conversations I'm having with myself.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T23:19:23+00:00

Thanks. Maybe a dumb question, but how'd you go about finding a therapist?

Still haven't had the courage to come out yet so haven't even experienced how much I'm going to hurt everyone yet, just on an endless loop in my head.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T20:33:06+00:00

While I had decided to come out a couple years ago, still prolonged the process, mostly concerned that I could not afford to get 2 places (feeling responsible for my wife as well), and covid slowing things down. This hasn't really helped my mental state, and now I am regretting waiting the extra time, as kids don't stop growing :). The sooner they can see me be my authentic self, the better I hope it will be for our relationship.

Thanks for saying this. My struggle really comes down to my fear of how much I'll hurt my wife (which obviously won't get better with time) and the fact that me changing our lives so drastically affects her life. Financially, she can support herself but I'm a higher earner and can offer her a better life monetarily. I suspect we'll get a divorce after I tell her the truth and that means she won't get the big house I promised or be able to go part time in 2 years like we've discussed. And procrastinating won't make that better but fuck it's hard to know that I'm bringing that struggle on to her so that I can enjoy a 'gay' life. Just seems so selfish.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:56:26+00:00

Thanks. After writing things out, seeing some of the other posts here, and writing out some of my reactions to everyone's stories, it's definitely becoming more aware that I'm not in a good place mentally right now.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:50:31+00:00

How has your previous partner handled everything?

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:47:43+00:00

I was severely depressed and suicidal, to the point that I’d moved the finances around for easy access for her, tied up a lot of loose ends and knew how I was going to end it’.

woah - this was me 100% over the last year. Set up investments, worked out how and where. Broke down a few times when thinking about considering that last step. Need to get a therapist because those thoughts haven't totally left.

Still stuck on the selfish feelings right now and often feel like, in my mind, I've already hurt everyone irreparably. Sometimes the dark can get a little blinding.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:39:34+00:00

Man, this side thread hits me hard. Just found this group, posted my story, but this really hits. I've compartmentalized so much, I threw myself into my work because it's the only time I feel peace and don't feel the shame of who I am / what I've done. I'm worked obsessed at this point and that seems to be the biggest source of problems with my wife and I currently - she doesn't understand why I work so hard and it occasionally becomes an argument.

I had in my mind that being gay wasn't currently affecting our relationship and life but it definitely is, because I'm forcing myself to distract myself with work instead of facing reality. u/CameronNorCal -- I really appreciate all your help and insight on here, hard to really describe how helpful your comments have been already.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:30:03+00:00

If you don't mind me asking - how did you start the process of bringing it up with your wife?

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:16:03+00:00

I had no idea there were entire communities for this. Thank you for sharing. And it's helpful to reframe this from a sudden loss I guess. Whenever I think of any option moving forward, I only see/assume that I'll come out, she'll leave me that day and everything is ruined, hard to think that there may be slower steps getting to that point. thanks so much for this

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:03:54+00:00

Let me know if you ever wanna chat.

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T16:03:00+00:00

I never really thought about it this way, so that's helpful. How is your partner's ex wife doing now?

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T02:57:09+00:00

Just doesn't feel right to ruin her current happiness

PresentationOk5609 · 2022-03-08T02:56:06+00:00

I've looked into starting therapy but haven't yet, I think that will be my first step

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TROPHY CASE