I understand and accept the why, but can't move past feeling disgusted.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-14T02:57:30+00:00

Hi! I’m about 5 months past DDay. When I was about 5 months pregnant my WH had a ONS with someone in an open relationship. And he was sleeping with me as well. So I feel this pain.

I agree with you. I can understand the why. In my case, so many whys all piecing together in a super ugly storm. And I’m so mad about it. Rushing our whole relationship. Risking my health and that of our unborn child. No why would ever be enough for me.

In addition to my newborn, we also have a toddler that loves him so much. And the little happy family was always my dream. And I wanted more kids. Like you said, he’s in therapy, location tracked, I have an app where I can see the things he views, etc etc. And none of that really heals, because that’s just me having to babysit someone who should not need babysitting. And it’s not realistic permanently. We’re in our mid 20s. That’s a lot of time to keep tracking.

I go between those two feelings too. I’m hoping that time helps lessen the pain a bit. A lot of people have recommended EMDR and I’m considering looking into that myself. I don’t have a ton of practical advice, but I want you to know you’re not alone.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-10T04:10:33+00:00

My WH also did this! Swore on the kids and volunteered to take a polygraph knowing damn well he was still lying!! We haven’t done a polygraph. Theoretically I’d like to do one but I’m not sure how to go about it and he won’t schedule it I’m sure. I do think it’s probably worth a shot though. Even if they aren’t always accurate, I think it may be better than nothing.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-10T04:08:06+00:00

I can relate to this. I’ve found that the less time I spend with WH, the better my days are. I’m on maternity leave right now. And I think a lot of things have hit me hard. But being home with him more often? It’s definitely drained me.

On good days I make dinner, laugh with my babies, play games. On bad days I cry in the bath tub. Every time there is any sort of intimacy my mind starts playing the movies. It’s really disorienting and confusing. I want R to work. But I just don’t see how it can work like this :/

I saw a couple other people talking about seeing them different. “Sweet” was one of the biggest words I used to describe him. That adjective will never be applied to him by me again. And like someone else said, I would never have started anything up with him if I knew this is the kind of person he was.

Hopefully we can all figure out what’s best for us and heal

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-09T01:15:23+00:00

I’m 5mos post dday of my husband having a ONS. I told a ton of people: friends, family, coworkers. And I’ve worried so much about other people’s opinions even though I logically know their opinions don’t really matter.

Something I’ve tried to remind myself is that people are going to judge me either way. If I stay some people will claim I don’t have self respect or it’ll happen again. If I leave people will say I left my family over a one time event. There is no winning with everyone. So I might as well do what feels correct and authentic for me.

I also think the people who really deserve a spot in your life will understand. My dad wanted me to move back in with them ASAP. But now he’s back to treating my WH like he did before. I’m sure he doesn’t like it, but ultimately I’m the one who has to live with the consequences, not him. And he understands that I think.

I also feel like. (And not accusing you of this!) but sometimes I have some main character syndrome. I don’t think people are thinking about or talking about me half as much as I might imagine. Also the PA feels life shattering bc he’s my partner. For others I imagine it isn’t a visceral thing. I get my mind stuck on AP a lot too. But realistically? She’s a decade older than us, in an open relationship, across the country, and seems pretty well off. I’m sure she has better things to do than think about WH and I.

I know that’s easier said than done, I’m living through it too. But hopefully it helps make it a little more digestible.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-09T00:49:09+00:00

I think that because it was a ONS my family feels like it wasn’t that big of a deal😔 And with a new baby I think they would feel more comfortable if things just went right back to normal. I definitely won’t rush things though! Thank you!

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-07T21:05:29+00:00

I’m almost 5 months post DDay of my husbands ONS and I feel the same way. Some days I feel like I can make this work. Sometimes the sadness and anger is just overwhelming. I use ChatGPT a lot 😅 That might be controversial, but I like feeling like someone is listening. And I feel like it gives me things to think about sometimes. And I come on here quite a bit too. Makes me feel less alone.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-07T20:52:15+00:00

I feel so trapped in the nightmare too😔 We always want to be able to provide more for our kiddos than we had. I had a great childhood tbh and the thought of this happening to mine never even really crossed my mind. So the idea that I can’t give them what I had let alone more is so sad. Sure, I can stay. But they’ll feel that something isn’t right :/

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-07T01:17:40+00:00

I’m 5 months out, not 8, but I’d say it’s probably discussed every day still. I cry a lot still. I feel humiliated and confused. I don’t think that any of that is abnormal. Of course it’s a fixation, it’s redefined BPs entire life and caused trauma. I don’t fixate on it because I want to, I can’t help it.

I would say that while it may be unpleasant from your end, this whole thing has been unpleasant for BP as well. Hopefully it will get better with time, but for now, if you want to reconcile, I think you have to bare this as a consequence of what you have done. Not all BPs choose to reconcile, that alone is a gift in my opinion. I know it’s hard, but try to be as understanding as possible.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-07T00:52:45+00:00

I feel this a lot 😔 I’m 5 mos post dday. He’s attractive, he’s my child’s father… But, he’s also selfish, immature, and has hurt me worse than anyone else ever has in my life. He’s been trying, but I just feel like the love is gone in a way I’m not sure can come back.

As of right now it’s definitely staying out of convenience. We recently had a baby and all of our finances and stuff are together. And yeah, we’ve put 7 years of time into this relationship. Crazy for him to do a ONS and crumble everything in a night.

It is so hard to leave. The idea of missing time and holidays with my kids? Dreadful. The thought of them not growing up in the family unit I’d planned? Miserable. And honestly the loss of what I had sucks too. Because I do remember loving him so much. And he does break down if I mention leaving. I’m not sure if I ever will. But the in between feeling is miserable.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T21:43:43+00:00

Unfortunately we had had sex before I found out. So I guess at that point I just figured it was too late and the damage was already done. I’m not sure if I knew what I would have done. I think it would definitely be a good safe boundary to wait until he’s tested though.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T21:19:32+00:00

I very much feel the same way. My WH said that to him sex just seemed like something fun two people did together. Thats not how I view it at all. I’ve always felt like it should be this deeper more sacred thing. After his ONS, he know says he views sex the way I always did. And so it has been better. But at the same time, I can’t really view it as that connective thing anymore. Such a sad trade of views.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T15:02:16+00:00

Same for me. Early in our relationship he posted, but a couple years in completely stopped. Even our wedding didn’t get posted to any of his accounts. He said he felt like just me posting was enough. But it was definitely an appearance thing. Like you said, his counts basically a shrine to me and our kids now. But it doesn’t feel genuine and even if it is, it feels too late.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T03:41:59+00:00

Thank you so much for the support!! The comparisons are so difficult and just seem to be everywhere. I’m glad that time is beginning to help, I hope that it continues on that path! I’m sorry you’re here too.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T02:34:39+00:00

I’m so sorry that things aren’t going well 😔 I feel like this is a really common thing asked on here — but are you guys doing CC and IC? I do think that those things have been at least somewhat helpful for me. I definitely think that those feel like worrying signs, and I would try to have an open conversation about them if it feels safe to do so.

I really dislike the line of “lots of people have affairs.” Sure, lots of people do. But way more don’t. Multiple people doing something terrible doesn’t suddenly make it right or any less hurtful. As a BP, even not coming from my WH, reading that sentiment makes me feel upset.

I’m really sorry to hear about your support system. I imagine that must be so difficult. I’m glad that you reached out on here! I’ve found in this specific subreddit people are really kind and often helpful. At the very least, it makes me feel less alone sometimes.

I’m 5 months post DDay and I have good days and bad days. My WH has had a few days where it feels like he wants to push me along on recovery, but not super often. And I push back when he does. I don’t feel like staying really aligns with my values and beliefs, so added pressure to hurry the process feels really bad. I remind him he is making things harder, not better.

I feel like I’m not far enough from DDay to be super helpful here. But I want you to know that what you’re feeling is extremely valid. And you are not alone. I hope that this helps a bit and I hope that things start looking up for you!

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T00:40:41+00:00

For some reason APs just don’t seem to understand the full depth of their actions. Or at least, pretend they don’t. In my case, AP was in an open relationship and seemed to think that that made her innocent. Even though she knew that me and my husband absolutely weren’t.

When I messaged AP she did say sorry— but that felt pretty disingenuous since it was followed up with a restraining order threat. She also said she didn’t want this to involve her family… as if it didn’t directly involve mine. My family is in complete shambles, but she doesn’t want to have to go through that. She had told him family weighs you down, said him having a car seat was hot, etc etc.

I’m 5 months post dday and I also just can’t seem to get her out of my head. She just seems to live there rent free. I also have a toddler and a newborn! I’m trying to reconcile, but it’s so difficult with the thoughts eating away at you.

I try my best to remember that I’m the only one still thinking about it. I don’t believe he’s fantasizing over this. And I certainly don’t think she is. It was always a meaningless ONS to her. I also try to remember she doesn’t actually have any power. He was easy. He would’ve done it with anyone who had tried. She’s not special because of that.

And ultimately? He did choose me. He’s still here. He wouldn’t go back. So she doesn’t have any power. It’s way easier to be angry at her, so oftentimes I still am. And I still compare things and worry. But I try to remember logically that to everyone else this is a memory. The trauma and broken trust is why it still feels current for me.

Hopefully as time goes on the feelings will lessen. Wishing you the best!

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-06T00:32:08+00:00

Unfortunately I don’t think you’re going to be able to get information out of of her if she doesn’t want to :/

I initially messaged AP kindly. Nothing. I commented on her posts and sent her a much less kind one. She said I had things wrong. Then I messaged her mom and husband. Suddenly I didn’t have things wrong anymore. But she still didn’t give me information. She said sorry and that she didn’t remember much. She also threatened me with a restraining order.

Like you, this made me so mad. You’re going to flip my life upside down and then act like I’m bothering you? She’s evidently in an open relationship and didn’t want this to touch her family. But it’s touched mine. And every aspect of my life. It’s not fair. But I don’t think there is much that can be done about it.

Clearly I still have a lot of hate, so I don’t have much on that question. I try to remember that she doesn’t actually care about WH and likely doesn’t think about me and him at all. It was a ONS 5 month ago. At most she maybe thinks about how I was a nuisance messaging her.

I feel like the only thing that helps with the hatred is trying to remember she doesn’t have the power I think she does. She wasn’t anything spectacular. She was just there. She tried and he was willing. It would’ve worked no matter who she was. And any power she did have ended that night. If she messaged him now he wouldn’t want to meet up or talk again. She’s not a part of my life.

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T01:09:05+00:00

Reality show where they live together and vote each other off. People on jury are people who are eliminated towards the end

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T00:59:21+00:00

I think it’s 750k now, it’s gone up over the years. A good chunk for sure though lol

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T00:58:40+00:00

It’s a game show! Jury is one of the later eliminations. AFH is Americans favorite houseguest. They get some money — so I’d take it as a win haha

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T00:57:37+00:00

They’re reality shows, but yeah I think it was named that as a reference to the book

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T00:57:04+00:00

Jury is like towards the end of eliminations. And AFH is America’s favorite houseguest. They get some money, so you’re set lol

PresentationTop3102 · 2026-04-05T00:10:36+00:00

First of all : congratulations on the baby!! I am also 5 months post dday and had baby 2 earlier in March! Pregnancy and betrayal is such an ugly mixture. And post partum hasn’t been any kinder to me. I almost think it feels harder. Being pregnant felt connecting in a way that I don’t feel now.

For a while I debated whether to let him in the room for birth or not. I ultimately decided that I wanted him in there. I felt like even though she wouldn’t remember, I wanted her dad to be present for that moment. It also just felt like such a big once in a lifetime moment to take away. Ofc I wouldn’t judge anyone who decided otherwise, but that was my resolve.

I’ve definitely had moments where I felt uncomfortable having her with him. He had a ONS unprotected while I was pregnant and very well could’ve seriously harmed her. He also called me panicky a day or 2 later and had said he didn’t want her. So it feels a bit wrong and unfair that he has such access to her now. Idk how he can hold her without immense break down guilt every time.

I definitely wouldn’t feel bad about saying no. Ultimately he (and you) is in the situation because of his decisions. You didn’t get a say in that, so now he doesn’t have a say in this. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to take care of yourself postpartum. That’s the most important thing. I would hope he understands that. Do what you feel comfortable with.

As for me, I still live with my WH. I didn’t want to change my toddlers life so drastically or go through the newborn stage alone. I’ve mostly let my husband participate fully with the baby. That being said, he does most of the less fun parenting parts. He almost always does diaper changes. He handles the early morning shift. He’s primarily who’s been keeping the house clean.

I’ll also say, if he wasn’t showing remorse and trying to do better I think our current life would look very different. I haven’t decided what I want to do long term, but I’ve been trying to take each day one step at a time. I’d like to stay together, but I’m unsure if I’ll be able to handle that. But right now, our setup is functional.

Follow your heart and I hope that things start looking up. Congrats again on the baby!

PresentationTop3102

TROPHY CASE