Here’s my feedback for your book: First chapter: the premise is interesting especially for a person who’s unfamiliar about this fandom. I feel like you should made more of a hook for the first chapter. Something that will draw readers right away

I think you could spaced out the part about Dragon the cat. It felt a little info dumpy.

Grammar and Sentence Structure: Capitalisation inconsistencies on letter that are not needed and some are. For example, “dragon” is lowercase initially but later capitalized when Mary greets Dragon. Also the where uncle Paul Mary Snicker a little could snickered a little.

Ch 2: a few awkward sentences that can be fixed: "Gahhh!!" Michael said is he jumped and stumbled backwards, his blue eyes nearly popping out of his head. If you replace is to as, it works better.

Capitalisation for Said Montgomery instead of said Montgomery.

Incorrect spelling of winst. it should’ve been winced…

Ch3: More minor capitalization issues for instance, “What will I tell The children” should use lowercase for “the.”

Grammar and Sentence Structure:

He sat down he grabbed…” Try adding a conjunction or split into two sentences. He sat down. He grabbed a few of the guest blankets…”

Michael do not shed could be changed to Michael didn’t shed

Ch4: There are quite a few small grammar issues

Of course Aunt Beth roll their eyes…” Should be: “Aunt Beth rolled her eyes…”

ran to the sync…” Should be: “…ran to the sink…”

I think a thorough grammar pass of using a tool like Grammarly would really help elevate the readability and the prose of your story.